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Why don't I want want another baby?

(38 Posts)
Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:08:24

Hi, I'm a ftm. My lo is 18 months. I had two heartbreaking miscarriages before I had him and suffered terrible anxiety while pregnant. When he was born though, it was like a weight lifted from me and I just fell in love with him and with being a mother.

I actually found being a mother easier than expected. I'd been so anxious in my pregnancy that sleepless nights due to a hungry baby were a breeze compared to sleepless nights worrying while I was pregnant.

My lo has been an easy baby. He is laid back, has a loving and wonderful temperament. He also is a great sleeper - goes to bed at 7.30pm and sleeps through about 13 hours. Most mornings I have to wake him!

So I've longed for a baby, had a healthy baby, loved every minute so why? Why? Why? Don't I want another? Based on how much I love my lo I can't understand why I don't want 10 more!

My dh wants another. We've agreed to talk seriously about it towards the end of this year. Still plenty of time to change my mind I know but I have this gut feeling that it's not going to.

Anyone in a similar position? Anyone had another despite not 'feeling it'? What happened? My dh is so confused, he sees how much I adore my lo and just can't understand why I wouldn't want another and I have to say, I don't know how to explain it either.

armsandtheman Thu 26-Jan-17 22:20:48

My story was so similar to yours. Nightmare getting pregnant, so happy with a much wanted child, but once it was time to start trying for a second I just couldn't. I was told I had to try again quickly if I wanted a second as I have endo.

I now have a gorgeous 5 year old DD and just am not broody at all. Lots of pregnancy/babies around and I rarely get even a twinge of regret or doubt. We are a v happy family of 3.

The only thing I would say is she wants me to play with her a lot, but she does loads of activities and I try to arrange friends coming over/going there at least once a week. We sometimes have holidays with friends. She has no local cousins so I work hard to make sure she has lots of socialising with other children. Suits me ok though as they go home!

Good luck with your decision. I felt guilty until relatively recently that she didn't/wouldn't have a sibling, but I think I've made peace with it. Just need to persuade my husband to empty the baby stuff from the loft and charity shop it!

Carnabyqueen Thu 26-Jan-17 22:26:07

There's no law saying you have to have a second child you know. I dithered about for quite a while, changing my mind back and forward about whether to have DC2. I went ahead in the end but I'm sure if I hadn't, DD1 and our little family would have been very happy.
As it turns out, DD2 has autism and it has and is a hard slog. DD1 also doesn't have it easy a lot of the time.
You have plenty of time to make a firm decision further down the line. My advice would be to just keep enjoying your little boy.

PickAChew Thu 26-Jan-17 22:28:23

it's fine not to want another.

Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:32:43

Armsandtheman - thank you for your reply! It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who has felt this way.

I'm (we're) lucky because my brother and sil have a lo just 5 months older and my sil recently had a baby so lo will have at least 2 cousins very close in age. I'm thinking if lo gets to spend lots of time with them that that may make up for not having siblings?

The other thing I struggle with is that I am 1 or 4 children and I love them all. In fact one of the closest relationships I have in my life is with one of my brothers. My dh also references that and say that we'd be denying lo that sibling love. It makes me feel bad but I know loads of people who aren't close to their siblings so just because you have one is no guarantee they'll be super close.

Urgh, I hate how I feel like I have to 'justify' how I feel! It's very encouraging that you've embraced your decision. Hope if we do choose the same path I can do the same. Thanks again.

BlairWaldorfxOxO Thu 26-Jan-17 22:35:14

I could have written your post op.
I'm totally confused to why I'm not bursting to have another. Dp and I are both equally dedicated parents, we can afford and have space for another child, and yet... I feel mean on Dd that she may not get a sibling to grow up with.
I am tormented as I get the occasional broody few days but it never lasts...
What to do!
Also friends tell me not to leave it too far apart hmm

phoolani Thu 26-Jan-17 22:36:06

I was the same, in a way. My dd came easily and I hadn't wanted kids at all. But she was so lovely that I didn't feel at all like I wanted another - I was totally happy with her and didn't want to change our relationship by introducing a new baby into it. Dh felt the same. Then one day I woke up and wanted another baby so bad it was primal! And if that happens to you, good; if it doesn't, it's good, too. Nothing wrong with one.

TK1930 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:41:21

Joining the club waves
Feeling exactly the same (have a child who is 3) and have had no real desire for no2. all friends have gone on to have 2nds ... some on to 3rds...
I'm definitely the odd one out!
Don't really know what to say.... just that you're not alone!

Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:43:42

Phoolani - thanks for the reply! Can I ask how old your lo was when you developed your primal urge for another!?

I'd be happy if that happened to me. I had such an ache for my lo, I just can't imagine trying to get pregnant when I feel so 'meh' about the idea!

Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:44:34

TK1930 - thanks for the reply. Good to hear I'm not alone! Makes me feel much better!

Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:46:22

BlairWardorfxoxo - thanks for your reply. Same boat hey!? Well good luck with whatever path you choose. Wish it was more accepted to just have the one but people just seem to assume if you have one that you'll have more! Will have to wait and see where I stand towards the end of the year eek!

Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:47:37

PickAChew - thanks for the reply. I know it's not not fine but somehow I still struggle with it. I think the fact dh would happily have another plays a part...

RogueStar01 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:48:09

Don't. I did not feel the urge to have another until dd turned 3. I really wanted her, took ages to have her, also had a mc. Maybe you're happy for now with your little one? I've got 4 years between mine and I really wanted dc2 by the time I had her. You can't manufacture feeling and it's also fine to have one and no more.

RogueStar01 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:48:49

My dh was essentially waiting for me too, I would try and relax you've got time.

Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:49:26

Carnabyqueen - thank you for your reply. Sorry to hear that things are ab it tough. I suppose you just never know how things will pan out whichever road we take. I suppose I don't want to have any regrets, for myself or my lo.

Jsy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:52:47

RogueStar01 - thanks for your reply. I have told dh that I feel like I owe it any child I have to really, really want them. He worries about leaving it too late (I've just turned 35) but I'd rather take that risk and leave it a bit later until I want a baby than just steam ahead and with my heart not in it.

I mean my lo has been a pleasure but I believe I've found him that way because I wanted him sooooo much and felt so much heartbreak before.

MovingForwardSlowly Thu 26-Jan-17 22:58:31

Your baby is very young for one. But maybe your done. Thats ok if thats what it is. flowers

phoolani Thu 26-Jan-17 22:59:06

Well, dd was just over 3 and a half when he was born so..(counts on fingers...) just before she turned 3. Fortunately, dh was happy to have another or not, so that bit was easy. But really, one is - really - ok and you shouldn't feel pressured into having another. And don't worry about age gap, either. I hear some people who waffle on about both single children and age gap and I just think they sound silly. So many siblings don't get on at all, whatever their age, it's a crap shoot anyway.

MovingForwardSlowly Thu 26-Jan-17 23:10:50

Agree with Phoo. I had 4 in 10 years... Now have 15 year old eldest and 4 youngest. 12 year old clisest to youngest.

Chinnygirl Thu 26-Jan-17 23:24:29

It sounds like you feel that your family is complete now. That's fine. You can stop at any number of children you like (provided you can have them).

There are plenty of people who have a sibling relationship with a non sibling. I have a real brother and two cousins who we feel are like sisters to us. They feel the same way.

Of course you need to discuss this with your DP and you might feel different in a couple of years but then again you might not. It is a joint decision and having one kid is really OK.

Whatsername17 Fri 27-Jan-17 07:34:06

Perhaps it is because your baby is still a baby? I felt the same after dd (although she wasn't a good baby, she was a nightmare). Then she went to school and that desire to have another hit me like a train. Relax. You aren't on a timer.

SaltySeaBird Fri 27-Jan-17 08:06:24

Not quite the same but my first DC was born after years of trying, fertility treatment and miscarriage. I hated pregnancy it was such an anxious time. She was also an easy baby and became my absolute world I couldn't believe how much I loved her and how much fun it was.

I vaguely wanted a second as we had always spoken about having two but the overwhelming desire had faded. More fertility treatment and another miscarriage later me and DH questioned if it was worth it. Then I fell pregnant with DS. Awful awful pregnancy.

But wow. I can't believe how much I love this boy or how much DD and him love each other. I know they will argue at times as they get older but so far they are each other's favourite people. Best thing ever having him.

BertieBotts Fri 27-Jan-17 08:10:58

It's fine just to want one. I've always envisioned myself with multiple children and it's been a big source of angst to me that DS is so far an only child. I do want another - or others! It's a totally different experience but there's nothing wrong with it if that's what you're happy with. I think you should go with your instincts. But talk to DH.

lazyb0nes Fri 27-Jan-17 08:27:56

Similar here, I have a just four year old and deliberating about whether to have another. I always wanted 3 or 4 but then my pregnancy was tough, the labour was awful and to be honest the baby bit was no picnic. I do want another child but the whole process is not very appealing. Ignore all the nonsense that people say about age gaps and only children - as if there's only 1 right way to make a family! Don't rush into it just because you think you're supposed to.

bookworm14 Fri 27-Jan-17 09:16:48

You're not alone. I have DD aged 17m and currently have no desire for another (DH feels the same). We may change our minds, of course, but currently our family feels complete. I do worry DD will resent us if we don't give her a sibling, but surely it would be wrong to bring a child into the world reluctantly?

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