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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Stepsons are overweight

20 replies

booklover79 · 26/01/2017 13:30

Hi all, just wondering if anyone has any advice. I have 3 stepsons, 2 of whom are overweight. They are both tall boys, but are also very big for their ages/height. They stay with my husband and I for 2 nights every other weekend. They are lovely boys and we all get on well. I cook from scratch every night. I cook with plenty of fresh veg, pulses, legumes, wholemeal rice and pasta etc. We also spend most of the weekend outside, walking, exploring places etc. Unfortunately, at their mum's they eat processed food. Regular trips to fast food places, fizzy drinks, biscuits and crisps as a snacks... Last Friday, they each had 2 chocolate bars and a packet of crisps before they got to our house, where they have supper. Their mum and her partner are both obese. My husband and I speak regularly about how concerned we are about them, and my husband has raised the issue with his ex-wife, only to be told that 'Well, you're big, it's genetic.' (He's 6'4" and about 16 stone, has a very physical job and doesn't snack on rubbish as we don't buy biscuits, crisps and the like) Any advice would be appreciated. I am really concerned about their future health, and know that now is the time to tackle it. They're 11, 7 and 6. Thank you!

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5OBalesofHay · 26/01/2017 13:36

I understand your concern but I think you are doing everything you can by healthy meals and activity when they are with you

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/01/2017 14:09

I agree with 50Bales, that you are doing want you can seeing as you only have them for 2 days a fortnight. It's better than nothing, and perhaps will give them the chance to change when they are adults and can make choices for themselves.

FizzBombBathTime · 26/01/2017 14:12

Your husband is overweight though

booklover79 · 26/01/2017 14:22

Thank you for your replies. FizzBombBathTime, he maybe overweight, but not massively. He is broad and tall, but most importantly, he eats well and does plenty of exercise. I am concerned about the boys because they eat rubbish when they're not with us, sit in front of computer screens in their bedrooms and rarely go outside. I am concerned about their overall current lifestyle which will contribute to serious health problems later in life. I was just wondering if anyone had any constructive advise on how to tackle it with their mother.

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AssassinatedBeauty · 26/01/2017 14:25

You really can't raise it with their mother. Your husband could try, but unfortunately she doesn't have to take it on board at all. You're looking at a total lifestyle change for all of them by the sounds of it. Very hard to do if you're not really up for it.

booklover79 · 26/01/2017 14:30

AssassinatedBeauty, absolutely agree. I have not, and never would raise the issue with their mother as it is not my place. It's hubby's job and he has tried. Just wondering if anyone had found a good way of approaching it, that I could pass on to him.

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FizzBombBathTime · 26/01/2017 14:55

book that's fair enough. I'm sorry you're going through this, you must feel pretty powerless as you don't control the majority of their diet. Is there any way you or your husband could talk to them about making their own healthy choices? That way it doesn't have to be a discussion with their mum; they will just start choosing healthier stuff

FizzBombBathTime · 26/01/2017 14:56

Maybe if your husband and you go on a health kick (not saying you have to but for the purposes of this) and they may follow your example

booklover79 · 26/01/2017 15:03

FizzBombBathTime, thank you. Yes, we do feel powerless! We actually discuss things like that regularly - not a constant conversation, but we discuss making good choices and why some things should be just a treat. They started getting granary wholemeal bread at their mum's as they asked for it (it's what we buy), so we took heart from that, in that maybe things are being taken on board. Maybe I just want it to change so much for them, but I can't really do anything! Perhaps we just have to keep on doing what we're doing and hope that they instigate more change at home. Thank you all. Really appreciate it.

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Artandco · 26/01/2017 15:10

At 6'4 - maximum weight in healthy range is 14.5stone. So you husband is also overweight by about 2stone.

I would suggest he maybe mentions to older two he's put on a little weight and wants to get fitter, so he was hoping they could help encourage him with joining him on weekend long walks and bike rides, so he could take them all to places like go ape, rock climbing etc. Get them to come up with some suggestions

booklover79 · 26/01/2017 15:23

This wasn't about my hubby! And if you were to see him, you would know that if he was 14 stone, he would look ridiculous! He is very broad, healthy, served in the RN for 17 years, so has always had to keep his fitness levels up. All people are built differently, absolutely, and his boys are big (as in very tall - 98th centile I think for height) but they are too big weight wise. My husband hasn't actually put any weight on. We do all the things mentioned with the boys - not Go Ape though, silly money! - and really encourage them to tell us where they want to go for our walks etc. Thank you for your thoughts though.

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OllyBJolly · 26/01/2017 15:32

You are trying to lay all the blame for your stepsons' weight at the door of the lazy ex wife! Posters are just pointing out that your DH could be setting an example, as he is overweight himself by an objective measure.

Are they really on 98th percentile for height? What are they for weight?

(DD2 was 93rd percentile for height - she was head and shoulders above her classmates so looked all round bigger, even although her weight percentile was around 70)

starsinyourpies · 26/01/2017 15:36

Could he get 50/50 custody to help more of the time?

booklover79 · 26/01/2017 15:49

OllyBJolly, he does set an example as we all sit at the table together and eat the same food. He doesn't snack, we go out all together for lovely long walks and bike rides. We go swimming together etc, etc. I really don't know what else he can do! He is naturally a bigger build, but is active and fit and eats a very healthy diet! I am 5'4" and a size 10, so not tiny, but certainly healthy and not overweight. I'm afraid that the blame does lie with their mum and her partner. She has put on a considerable amount of weight since she and my husband separated, and both of them are obese. I don't know the exact heights and weights for the boys, but I know that in the youngest's school year of 60 children, he is the tallest by a long way. I really wasn't expecting the Spanish inquisition on here! As a first time poster, I was just hoping for a little advice and support!

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FizzBombBathTime · 26/01/2017 16:03

The thing is op my husband is 6 ft 5 and weighed the same as your husband. I thought the same - he's broad etc, he would look ridiculous if he lost weight. lo and behold he has lost just over a stone and doesn't look emaciated, he just looks (and feels) healthier. If your husband really was eating perfectly and doing all the exercise plus a physical job, he wouldn't be overweight. I don't think it's fair to lay all the blame at the mothers door just because she's 'more' overweight.

FizzBombBathTime · 26/01/2017 16:05

No one is trying to have a go at you op but when it comes down to it, your husband is overweight as is their mother so ONLY blaming her doesn't seem fair. They could easily have learnt some habits from your husband aswell. Maybe you are just too close to the situation to see it from an unbiased point of view

LongHardStare · 26/01/2017 16:31

Taking it up with their mum or your DH doing so are pointless I think. She isn't going to want or accept your advice.

If you want to help them more than you are doing by providing healthy meals and active weekends, your DH could offer to have them over for longer than every other fortnight and could show them he is working to get to a healthy weight himself.

Another idea is to teach them to help cook and get into it as a hobby. Hopefully they could take their new skills home and cook a few healthy meals when at their mum's.

OneWithTheForce · 26/01/2017 16:37

OP if you are saying that your husband's 2 stone over healthy weight is his natural healthy weight then his ex wife has a point about it being genetic! The DCs have probably inherited his broadness and you should expect them to be above normal healthy weight.

OneWithTheForce · 26/01/2017 16:38

Their father should offer to cook with them when they are with him. He can set good examples and teach them something they can do at their mum's house.

divadee · 26/01/2017 21:05

Bmi is an out dated, and frankly useless format of telling if someone is overweight. I had (before I got pregnant) a body fat percentage of 15% but still measured about 24 by my Bmi. I'm 5"11 and weighed 11st 6lb. I looked healthy but my Bmi was still high. The midwife laughed when she saw I was nearly overweight on the bmi, as I was at my fittest I had ever been. Rugby players regularly have bmi's of 30 or more due to bulk. They aren't unhealthy or overweight. It is all muscle.

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