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Stay at home dad - why are people so judgemental

(18 Posts)
MrsG2017 Sun 22-Jan-17 04:51:19

Hi All,

Does anyone else have a wonderful partner who does or is planning to do the majority of the childcare?

Economically it is better for us if I return to work perhaps three or four days, and my hubby can work freelance (is an exercise rehab specialist). However it seems people are so condescending to him.

.... so your the chief childcare man then, you get to stay at home.

I live in small town New Zealand so a bit different to home (uk) but it is so sad to see my husband being judged - my little boy will be lucky to have daddy to look after him.

Has anyone else had experience of this? What did you say to those judgemental people to shut them up??

Thanks all

KatyN Sun 22-Jan-17 07:34:59

Yep, get it all the time. I work in IT and my husband is in education. We each work 3 days. I get a lot of double takes. For our first child we lived in a big city and there were a couple of sahd s. We moved to a small town for our second and there aren't any.
My response varies from
Silence,
'We are very modern' said in a voice that makes them sound like they live in the dark ages (1950s)
I explain I work in it and he in education so it makes sense financially to share childcare
Or my person favourite to people I like I just say 'I didn't marry a fuckwit'.
I'm also the one going to be sterilised rather than my husband having a vasectomy. I guess you're not at that stage when people ask that as a question but that also drives me scatty.
Hang in there and remember option 4 (he's not a fuckwit)
Kx

Aquamarine1029 Mon 23-Jan-17 00:26:52

I have three friends whose husbands are stay at home dads, and believe me when I tell you, they couldn't give a fuck what anyone thinks and neither should you. You and your partner need to do whatever is best for your family. Anyone who has ignorant, negative views of it are not your friends. To hell with all of them.

MrsG2017 Mon 23-Jan-17 03:39:25

Aquamarine1029 I LOVE your response! Thank you made hubby smile! It is these attitudes which will bring us back to the UK once bubba is born - there's no place like home 🇬🇧 having a child is hard enough let alone being overseas and facing lots of judgments.

MrsG2017 Mon 23-Jan-17 03:40:00

KatyN thank you for replying it is lovely to hear your views and experiences. smile

aprilanne Mon 23-Jan-17 04:52:06

i think its because in britian samf are still very much in the minority my hubby would never have dreamed of it .its not that he is a bad father far from it .but he sees his role as taking them off my hands for a few hours on his days off going to park soft play .that kind of thing but everybodys family is different who cares what others think

splendide Mon 23-Jan-17 11:08:29

I work full time, DH does 3 days.

We don't seem to get much judging really. There is a bit of assuming DH is some kind of superhero for looking after his son on his own which can be annoying.

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick Mon 23-Jan-17 13:10:57

My DP is a SAHD. Not one person has said anything other than how jealous they are of him for getting all that time with DD. Maybe your DP could say the same?

We live in London, and whilst it's not usual, it's definitely getting more common this way round!

NowwhatdoIdo123 Mon 23-Jan-17 13:33:34

Reading with interest....

DP and I have talked about doing this. He's self employed and work/income is erratic and unreliable whereas I have a steady career and earn more money. He would love to do it but feels people will judge him and feel he should be 'providing' for his family. Unfortunately he has taken our DD to a couple of birthday parties and play groups and was the only dad and no one spoke to him which hasn't helped. It's such a shame because he would genuinely love to stay at home and it makes financial sense for us.

snoopyokay Mon 23-Jan-17 14:47:47

My OH is a SAHD and is doing a great job. Not had anyone being judgemental so far, I think best to ignore anyway as everyone knows what works for them.

StiffenedPleat Mon 23-Jan-17 14:50:59

It's still 1972 in NZ.

StiffenedPleat Mon 23-Jan-17 14:51:37

You may end up resenting him once the children go to school. grin

Cynara Mon 23-Jan-17 14:55:49

I work full time, DP cut his hours to 2 days a week when DS was born. We work at the same place, and no one has said anything negative (not in our hearing, anyway). Most people say how lucky he is and how lovely it must be for our son to spend so much time with his dad. Which it is, they have a great relationship.

ChicRock Mon 23-Jan-17 14:58:10

In my experience, stay at home dads are treated like gods, like they're some kind of superhero for, shock horror, "looking after" their own child/children.

highlander74 Wed 25-Jan-17 02:55:42

My hubby has been a SAHD for the past 9 years for both our kids, and I live in small town NZ too but haven't really had any negative comments at all! There are the usual occasions where people presume it's me that stays at home and have to go through the usual explanation but nothing negative. He did find that especially when the kids were babies, he would be the only guy in any playgroup/music class/coffee group, but there was always 1 or 2 women who would talk to him!
There's a few SAHD's on the school run though so not completely unusual for where we live.

highlander74 Wed 25-Jan-17 02:59:32

Sorry, meant to say that I tend to say to people that we're very modern too to shut them up. I also say that I'm trying to be a good role model for the kids so they can see that either parent can be the stay at home person, not necessarily automatically the mum and either parent can go to work. You just have to do what works for you and your family at the time, it's really no-one else's business!

MrsG2017 Wed 25-Jan-17 03:30:34

Oh Highlander where about in NZ are you? Thanks for replying

highlander74 Tue 31-Jan-17 03:50:33

Hey, sorry for late reply - holiday weekend! I'm in Tauranga - where are in NZ are you? Hope it all works out for you - my kids have also definitely done lots more 'dad' stuff i.e. fishing, building huts etc over the years than they would have done with me!!

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