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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Reported domestic violence now children services are involved help

47 replies

Marypoppin25 · 15/01/2017 17:02

Hi guys please need some help and advice from people who have been through this similar situation ,

Iv been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years we dated for 4 then got married we been married year and a half I moved in with his mom m him , after marriage we started having problems due to his mother interfering in everything and always criticising me , me n partner would always argue over his family he ended up hitting me a few times , I have always defended my self so I woudnt say I am scared of him , anways I ended up being pregnant and he also hit me once then I called police they gave a warning to him, things were fine but after I gave birth his mom got worse and my partner hit me again so I called police n left the house n came to. Y parents house my baby is 5 weeks old now , children services got involved they came and done a check down my parents I told them everything and they said we're happy aslong as baby n you stay down your parents house , my partner has been contacting us saying he's sorry and he wants me n baby back , my husband is a good man but I think when it comes to his family he can't think straight I have told him I want to move out and not live with his mother but he said no as he said he can't leave his mom alone , I just wanted to know what will children services do if I decide to go back to my husband , will they take my baby away from me , my husband loves children and he loves his baby he would never hurt her , he is in a bad state right now without us even lost his job , the problem is his mother and not him when she isn't around we r totally fine , I want my baby to grow up with a mother n father living together , but I also will put her first no matter what , plz can some 1 share some advice on children services really stresses right now :( my health visitor said if I go back children services will be involved .

OP posts:

Report

AndNowItsSeven · 15/01/2017 17:07

He has already hurt his baby when you were pregnant.
Of course he is not a good man you can't be that naive surely?

garlicandsapphire · 15/01/2017 17:08

Its not okay for your partner to hit you, full stop. Not ever, in any circumstances, whatever the pressures you both are under. Its no one's fault but his - he is responsible for his actions. I cannot understand why you would even consider returning to him and allow yourself to be hit by him. You should look after yourself and now your baby, who needs to be in a safe environment and you have a duty to protect them from a violent man. Its simply not okay for a vulnerable baby to be in a situation where its father hits its mother. Do not return to him. He cannot be trusted.

GlitterGlue · 15/01/2017 17:09

It's not his mother, it's him. He's violent and abusive. That's his fault, no matter how much someone else interferes.

And yes, you could lose your child if social services deem him to be a risk. It's your choice.

ninenicknames · 15/01/2017 17:10

SS won't take any risks

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/01/2017 17:13

Sadly I don't think this can work out. You need to judge him on his actions, not his words. He refuses to put you before his mother and has subjected you to abuse and violence. He is not a great father if he can hurt the mother of his child.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions rather than blaming other people. It's possible Social Services will view him more favourably if he completes some sort of anger management course (?) but you would have to look into that. I will say, it's rare someone like him will change.

At the moment he would be viewed as a risk to you and your child.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 15/01/2017 17:13

Of course children's services will be involved if you take a five week old baby back into a house with a man who is violent to you. Your baby would not be safe there, and you can't guarantee her safety any more than you can guarantee yours. It is not good for children to be exposed to their mother being beaten up. He is not a good man. I'm sorry. Good men don't hit their partners. They especially don't get violent when their partner just gave birth and there's a tiny baby in the house.

flapjackfairy · 15/01/2017 17:15

If you go against soc services and take him back then yes you will probably lose your child.
Dont do it. Put your child first and move on because if you cannot prove that you can put your childs welfare first you will have the child removed .
I am a fc by the way so i know the system and have seen lots of children fostered or adopted under these circumstances. And rightly so your childs safety is paramount and your husband is the only one to blame for this situation .

BertrandRussell · 15/01/2017 17:15

If the problem is his mother not him, why was it him who hit you repeatedly?

When a man shows you what he's like, believe him.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/01/2017 17:16

A good man doesn't hit his partner.

He is not a good man, in fact he sounds like an absolute twat.

Stay away from him and his mother.

JennyOnAPlate · 15/01/2017 17:18

Well he's clearly not a good man, is he? Good men don't hit their partners.

Of course social services will be interested if you move your baby to a house where they aren't safe, and yes they could take your baby.

Penfold007 · 15/01/2017 17:19

Your H is not a good man, he is a violent abusive man who has repeatedly assaulted you. Children's services have told you to keep your child away from your H, if you ignore them they will take action and yes ultimately that could mean the baby is taken into care.

GTS · 15/01/2017 17:21

Child services will absolutely be involved should you wish to return, and quite rightly so. They want to know you are able to safeguard your child from harm, and acting protectively. Going back to an abusive and violent man is demonstrating neither of those things. Get some counselling, and learn to recognise abusive behaviours so that you are able to avoid any further abusive relationships.

NC1nightstand · 15/01/2017 17:22

Please God this is a wind up! Otherwise, how can you be naive? Although hardly anything in life is black and white this situation truly is; you need to choose between him and your child.
You got out, stay out. So many women are trapped with no where to go while their self esteem crumbles and they learn how to hide the bruises. Your child will be WILL be effected no matter what you tell yourself.

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2017 17:22

Your child needs to be protected, as they cannot protect themselves. If you chose to live with a man who is violent and hits you then social services will indeed need to be involved and yes you could lose your child. They will protect your child as you will be deemed as not doing so by putting them back into living with a violent man.

No matter how bad his mum is, the bottom line is he is worse. He is hitting you. No child should have to witness this and yes when the child is a little older they could be next in line for his punches. Or the baby cries and he shakes it. If you chose to take a chance, the authorities will step in.

Stay away from him. He's told you he won't leave his mum and he keeps hitting you, even when your pregnant. If you can't see how abhorrent this is then you do need the authorities involvement.

NerrSnerr · 15/01/2017 17:23

He is not a good man, he repeatedly hit you. His mum didn't hit you, he did. He hit you when pregnant, a good dad doesn't do that. What if he hits you when you're holding the baby and they get hurt? Your baby will get older, maybe give him some lip or something- he may hit them then.

Too risky. Put your child first. They're tiny and cannot protect themselves and need you todo that. That means you need to stay away.

MaryManchego · 15/01/2017 17:23

He's not a good man.

If you go back to him, you are putting your child in a situation where they will be exposed to domestic abuse. That's why SS will be interested.

You have to put your child's wellbeing first.

WyfOfBathe · 15/01/2017 17:24

Even if he never hit your child, he would still be harming her by exposing her to violence every time he hit you. It wouldn't be a safe environment for either of you.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 15/01/2017 17:25

The only way that children's services will keep out of it and happy is if you stay away from your violently abusive ex. If you go back you are putting your child at risk and they will rightfully get involved to protect the child.

I really think you also need to do some serious thinking about this relationship. You say it's his mothers fault for interfering - was she the one who hit you? No? Then not her fault. His fists, his fucking responsibility. And you covering for him and making his excuses is going to worry chcildrens services.

Marypoppin25 · 15/01/2017 17:25

He has never given me any bruises though always just been pushed and shoved and slapped across the face , so if he takes anger courses and domestic violence courses will they work with us , I am not going back Anytime soon will be staying with parents for a long time , it's just the fact he is contacting us everyday saying he misses us , I mean children services already know that he comes and visits the baby here and they said that's fine , I am not naive I know his wrong but he says I always provoke him .

OP posts:

Trainspotting1984 · 15/01/2017 17:25

It's not that easy though is it NC1?

OP SS think you are a good enough parent. If you do back to an abusive partner (who they view as a poor parent) even though it will harm your baby (witnessing violence is harm) they will see you as a poor parent also. They are very likely to become involved again to support you to improve your parenting skills. But for them that's very likely to mean leaving your husband

Marypoppin25 · 15/01/2017 17:27

They also said if he moved out it would be better

OP posts:

RayofFuckingSunshine · 15/01/2017 17:35

OP. I understand that you are in a really difficult place right now, being a single parent with a small baby is hard enough, let alone dealing with all this shit. Of course you're trying to cling to your ex, combing yourself he is a good man. You are craving the support that an actually good partner could give you.

But. Your husband is NOT a good man. He is an abuser. He is violent. You don't provoke him - he lacks control. If you go back you will be putting your baby in a dangerous situation. Even if by some miracle your baby doesn't end up on the end of your husbands abuse, she will be seeing it. And witnessing it is just as much a concern for children's services.

Please seek real support. You have an opportunity right now to stand on your own, without the threat of violence hanging over you anymore. How would you feel if in 25-30 years your daughter was he one writing these posts? Women's aid can help you.

MycatsaPirate · 15/01/2017 17:37

He says you provoke him so it's ok if he hits you is it?

What happens when your baby is a toddler? What about when they are 6 and starting to be really gobby and push boundaries? Will it be ok for him to hit the dc because it's provocation?

Don't do it. Just walk away from him and make a life for you and your child.

SS will be involved, you know they will. And if you went back with him and he started hitting you again, would you then feel like you wouldn't be able to report it because you know you'd lose your child? Would you then be stuck in an escalating violent relationship?

I've been where you are and I did take my partner back. He kept on with his violence. He ended up trashing the house, he grabbed me round the throat in front of my toddler and smashed up my phone. He was hitting me and my baby was screaming. He then walked out leaving blood smears everywhere and a note saying he was ending it. The police helicopter had to be called out to find him. It was utterly awful.

We had the police picking me and my dc up from school and taking us home to keep us safe. We had panic alarms and extra security fitted to our home. I lived in fear for years. Eventually we moved 450 miles and he still followed us and I had to start the whole legal process of keeping him away from us here.

Just get out now before you waste 10 plus years of your life on a man who clearly has zero respect for you, the mother of the baby he professes to love so much.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 15/01/2017 17:38

he says I always provoke him of course he does, he's not going to take the blame when he can blame you. Sweetheart-you are going to get some tough love on here. If you are expecting people to say he does anger management course, he says sorry everything will be ok. It won't. He has hit you, he blames you. So what happens when your baby winds him up and he hits her? Says sorry, is that ok? And when he hits you just a little too hard, or the baby?
Just think, do you want you and your baby to be around a violent abuser? I couldn't. You are better than that. Protect your child, contact him only for (supervised) contact. Ignore his whining, he has lost the right to a family with you.

TammySwansonxx · 15/01/2017 17:39

He has shown you repeatedly what kind of man he is.

Look at your daughter. She's tiny. She needs you to protect her. What if he finds her "provoking"

Cut him out of your lives.

Flip

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