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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Can you both work full time?

85 replies

harrypoooter · 13/01/2017 21:42

We have a 5 year old, we both want to work full time we have cover on a Friday but my partner works over 1hr away. I'm sick of putting my career on hold so he can commute 1 hr away without him looking for alternate work at home. I've got myself a good james b close to home, full time. He says I'm being selfish wanting to work FT as our daughter has to go to after school club 2 days a week. I don't know who's being silly. I want a good life for our daughter but I also want to be passionate about my job.

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Lucked · 13/01/2017 21:47

Yes we do. My kids aren't at school yet as still at nursery. School club only two days a week sounds great to me. If it is that important to him then he can find the solution. I would do it.

Could he work longer on some days to have an afternoon off?

SpeakNoWords · 13/01/2017 21:48

Why is he not selfish too then? If it bothers him that much then he can find a different job that lets him collect her from school.

Caterina99 · 13/01/2017 21:52

If she only has to go to after school club twice a week then I'd do it! I mean I'd probably do it if they had to go to club 5 days a week too, but 2 days sounds even better. You could also look into a childminder for after school? One of the hardest things is cover for when they are sick and the school holidays. Would that all fall to you because these things need working out between the both of you.

Scrumptiousbears · 13/01/2017 21:58

He is a cheeky fucker!

We both work full time. Well I will be when I return from maternity leave. Both on shift work which I suppose makes it easier. You are not selfish. I believe the parents should be equal wherever possible.

Was this not discussed before you had kids?

Hassled · 13/01/2017 21:59

Why are you being selfish and not him? Why should your career be on hold? Plenty of couples manage it fine - I did, for a long time. The kids seem to have emerged unscathed.

SellFridges · 13/01/2017 22:02

We do. Almost 6 year old goes to after school club 4 times a week, and I manage to flex my hours to pick her up on the other. We drop off every day. Baby goes to full time nursery.

I have a friend whose husband doesn't "believe" in non family childcare. Oddly he also doesn't believe in flexing his work pattern to pick his kids up so it's left to my friend. He's a twat.

Athrawes · 13/01/2017 22:03

Of course you can. I think most people need to. After school clubs are not terrible! My 6 year old is with a friend from 7:30 to 8:30, then in afterschool from 3 to 4:30. He's fine and loves afterschool.

harrypoooter · 13/01/2017 22:04

His job is very industry specific, an engineer so to work close to home he would have to move industries I. E mechanical to pipeline. I've worked 30 hrs a week for the past year but have been very bored in my job and unhappy. So I looked elsewhere and got the job I wanted. it then meant putting our child in after school for 2 days. He says I've only thought of myself and not our daughter, and if he wants to work late he can't. I'm so annoyed I've come to bed early because I can not be bothered to talk to him. I know this is immature but it's all I've got! I'm trying to enjoy my first week in my new job but haven't been able to because he's been on my back about picking up the little one as early as I can. Hmm.

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fabulous01 · 13/01/2017 22:06

I am going to go against the grain. Yes you can do it. Yes there are afternoon clubs .... but.,.. I also think being home is important. Homework will become important and so is the time with them.
We both work full time and I would love part time particularly when twins go to school. My mum worked in evening so wasn't there for me coming home from school so I desperately want to do that for mine. Whether that is you or your partner is what is right for family.

Oly5 · 13/01/2017 22:06

We do. Not easy but we manage! Get a cleaner and help such as au pair or similar. You're not selfish! It's good for my career to work ft too. Tell your DH to get a grip.

Cleebope · 13/01/2017 22:10

Of course you can but when kids are small it will be tough. So long as you feel your daughter is happy and thriving you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You need to feel fulfilled too and it will help you to be a less resentful mum. You are lucky to have a place at an after school club. Try it for a year and if it isn't working then you can make a change in hours temporarily if needs be.

KatharinaRosalie · 13/01/2017 22:10

and if he wants to work late he can't. - yeah clearly he's not thinking only of himself here.

Of course you can both work. If afterschool club bothers him, he can go part time for a change.

harrypoooter · 13/01/2017 22:12

So the old routine was he did drop off 2 days a week pick up 2 days a week. I dis 3 days a week drops and my mum one day a week pick up. Now he still has to do his drop offs and pick ups but I get her from ASC 2 days a week instead of directly from school. So she's going directly home from school 3 pm , 3 days a week. There's a bit of me thinks he's just pissed off ive made a change and he hasn't. I'm so cross. He's made me feel like no one else in the world goes on like this which I know they do!

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AntiHop · 13/01/2017 22:13

We both work full time and have done since I went back to work after 9 months mat leave.

NewNNfor2017 · 13/01/2017 22:19

My exH and I both worked FT from when our DD was 4 months old.
She was in nursery from 8-6 until she was 4.
Then she was at breakfast club and after school club wrapped around school every day at at holiday club f/t until she was 11. (I changed careers).

In my experience, it's FAR more important to be available for DCs when they're older. My DD needs me far more now - when she was younger, her needs could be equally met by a number of caring adults.

cheminotte · 13/01/2017 22:23

Yanbu. Nothing has changed for him as far as I can tell. Why should you be stuck in a dead end job? 2 afternoons at after school is very little, she will probably enjoy it. My DC have been going for years and one of the benefits is they have friends from all different year groups.

harrypoooter · 13/01/2017 22:36

You've all made me more confident in my argument- if he worked closer to home I'm sure there would be no argument. She's only in 2 nights a week and I'm happy. It's hard when you feel guilty because you start doubting yourself.

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forgottenusername · 13/01/2017 22:41

We both work full time and have 4 dc. Youngest was 7 when I went full time. Before that I was about 24 hours a week walking distance from home, now I'm full time and 45ish minute drive away.

It's possible but requires juggling and DH doing his fair share of school runs (and more sometimes)

SpeakNoWords · 13/01/2017 22:42

Did he ever consider changing career focus and changing jobs so that he could do more pick ups/drop offs when your DD was little? If not, then he was being selfish then, by his standards.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/01/2017 22:44

We have always both worked full time. I work 36 hours and DH 84 hours. I had no guilt about putting DS in nursery at 3 months old - rather childcare and a roof over our heads than always at home on a park bench. Also being at work is important to me, might sound dreadful but I would be bored to tears not working.

missmapp · 13/01/2017 22:45

Yes. We both work full time. Dcs go to child minder before and after school every day ,( well, ds1 is now at secondary so he now comes home but when at primary ).
It is hard but the key thing is to be a partnership. We share days off for illness, gong to see plays, assemblies etc and early finishes for fairs , book looks and the like. If you put it all on one parent it won't work.

SparklesandBangs · 13/01/2017 23:14

Both worked full time since DC were around 6 weeks old, we had a nanny share as it worked out cheaper.
I worked 20 mins away, DH has never had a commute under an hour, we managed to get to all the important events and believe that the DC now at university have turned out well. With the bonus that we both have kept our careers.

I don't understand how being an hour away is an issue.

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BackforGood · 13/01/2017 23:23

He (you both?) seem to be starting from a popint that assumes "being in afterschool club" is a bad thing.
Lots of dc really enjoy their ASC.

However, of course you should take a job you are going to enjoy. If it concerns him so much that you child actually goes to an ASC (even though its only twice), then he needs to think if he would be happy to give up his challenging job to do one that bored him, so he can pick her up every day. Point out that's what he is asking you to do.

BackforGood · 13/01/2017 23:25

Plus, many couples need to use breakfast club x 5 days and ASC x 5 days - you are only using 2 out of the 10 some people need, if I've read it right?

m0therofdragons · 13/01/2017 23:31

You have a daughter and you're teaching her work ethic. TBH ft wouldn't work for me - I do 30hours a week. I love being able to attend dds' assemblies etc (but dh and I do share that - he's ft but senior so allowed flexibility to a point). I considered ft but I enjoy my job (which you don't). I also have 3dc and volunteer so fitting everything in means mini breakdowns every now and then. You just make the time you have with dc extra special and valuable. Follow your heart and tell dh to at least try it.

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