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big fall out with my sister.

(37 Posts)
PaganMum Thu 22-Feb-07 10:48:27

Firstly sorry for the long post, I need some help.

My sister and her partner (no kids yet) have had a huge argument with myself because my mum sometimes helps me with my two and a half year old son.
He was having a big strop day so she came to town with me, we had a phone call from my sister and she hung the phone up on mum when they found out she was with me helping with my DS who was having a major tantrum the moment the call came. The phonecall was to look at wedding flowers. I rang back to find out why they hung up and the fight went on from there getting worse and worse. It even involved his parents ringing me to tell me I'm a bad parent and that I'm trying to ruin the wedding by having mum with me for a few days! among some other very nasty things that I wont print
They say when ever he has a temper I drop him on mum, which is not true at all I deal with it the best way I can and rarely involve anyone other than me or my DH. In fact its rare if we get a day or night off together at all but we don't mind because we love our DS to bits even though it is nice to get time off. What makes it even more difficult at the moment is my DH has just started work after two years at home with us so I'm on my own for the first time in a long time. I have no other family or friends and my sister wont let a toddler be in her flat so when I need a day I only have my mum to ask and the thing is my mum often offers before I even ask her.

Because of this I'm now not allowed to my sisters wedding, I've been told to 'watch my back' I'll never hear from her again and she's in a bad relationship (he isnt a very nice man)
I am so shocked I have no idea what to do.
what do others think about this? do you feel after two months you'd love to get a day/night off? should my mum tell me to get on with it?

DetentionGrrrl Thu 22-Feb-07 10:51:25

she sounds jealous, but if she has an issue with not having enough time from your mother, then she should take it up with your mother, not you.

i am shocked at his parents ringing you up! I'd have told them to f**k off myself!

unless you are out day and night and leaving your child with your mother, i can't see the problem.

dejags Thu 22-Feb-07 10:54:07

Not sure what to suggest PM.

Sounds like your sister has issues with you and your mum and is taking it out on your DS.

Personally - I'd just back straight off. If she doesn't want your DS in her life, then imo, she's not worth worrying about.

In a few weeks when she's calmed down you may want to approach her to try and sort things out, but right now, she sounds totally hysterical about everything.

HTH and hope you feel better soon.

PaganMum Thu 22-Feb-07 10:55:52

I was tempted to say just that to his parents but this family seem to have a brilliant way of using everyword you say against you.

My sister says that's the reason she's done with me, because I stood up for mum they said I was interfering when it was me and my ds they were going to have a fight about.

I'll probably be better off in the long run with out them.

she'll understand when she has a baby and her in-laws wont help because its 'her' child.

MamazonAKAfatty Thu 22-Feb-07 10:57:40

Firstly no matter how your sister feels about how much help you recieve from your mother...so long as your mum has agreed and is not being put upon by you its no ones business but hers.

she has no right to shout at your mum and certainly no right to yell at you...and What on earth is she doing involving HER in laws? they are nothing to do with you or your mother? quite frankly if my brothers in laws rang me i would ask who the hell they think they are and to tell them where to shove it.

It may be that you are relying heavily on your mum at the moment because you are missing the extra hands of your Dh. toddlers are difficult and if you are used to there being 2 of you it must seem all the harder.
I'm sure your sister just wanted your mum to take an active part in her wedding but to phone and get angry simply because your mum hasn't just dropped everything to run to her side is wrong.

Yes maybe you should try to manage with the bad behaviour on your own...simply to show yourself you can do it. but you shouldn't feel guilty about accepting the help that is offered to you.
And as for your sister....hopefully it is just wedding nerves and she will call to apologise soon enough.

try and stay out of her way as otherwise you will both end up saying things you dont mean...and whatever happens dont relay your feelings about her fiance!

Carmenere Thu 22-Feb-07 11:00:32

She sounds like a stupid bitch, and I don't use that term lightly. She is jealous because she thinks that your mum should be running around organising her flowers for her big day not wasting her time with a stupid child

Leave them at it, don't go to the wedding unless she apologises profusely. Just love and support your mum and let her know how much you value her support.

Aloha Thu 22-Feb-07 11:01:59

She's a bridezilla. Gone completely mad because she is a bride and it's her day and the world revolves around her . Sadly, it's not untypical bride-to-be behaviour.
Plus she's jealous that your mum is more interested in her real live little grandson than her wedding flowers and probably jealous of you for having a child.
Did your mum cancel your sis to be with you or did your sister just expect your mum to be there whenever she wants her?
She really does sound like a crazed Bridezilla. Has she always been jealous of you or were you close?

Aloha Thu 22-Feb-07 11:03:33

As for HIS parents ringing you! Words fail me.

NurseyJo Thu 22-Feb-07 11:07:11

Message withdrawn

kiwinat Thu 22-Feb-07 11:09:48

Turn up to her wedding anyway looking FAB-U-LOUS.

Cashncarry Thu 22-Feb-07 11:10:28

I think your sister (unfortunately) sounds like a total arse!

It sounds like your Mum wants to help you but even if she doesn't, it's got sweet FA to do with your sister.

My advice is to ignore her - I've done this with my sister for two years (long story) but honestly - it's better not to have mad ranting hysterical freaks in your life.

She can have your time and attention if and when she starts behaving like an adult.

PaganMum Thu 22-Feb-07 11:11:34

thank you so much all of you, big help all round!

They even practically said mum should have 'jumped' at the chance to sort the wedding there and then and leave me with my ds.
we were always very close (she asked me to adopt her at one point!) then she met her partner and he's always hated me he has no sense of family at all and is proud of it, and wants my sister to be the same.
Apparently mum sort of cancelled, she said three dyas prior that she might pop in to see my sister for a cuppa but then forgot, I had no idea. but then mum does it to me all the time, no big deal its mum she's always there when I really need her and is when my sister needs her.

I shall leave well enough alone. although I did say my feelings about her partner he also got his opnion of me off his chest (and has done many many times) I couldn't take anymore from him.

also the florist has cancelled on her!

NurseyJo Thu 22-Feb-07 11:14:20

Message withdrawn

PaganMum Thu 22-Feb-07 11:17:31

mum bought a bright pink suit for the wedding and my sister doesn't like it because everyone will look at mum and not her...

yup a bride-zilla.

She was at my ds's birth but now wants nothing to do with us.
Silly girl really.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe Thu 22-Feb-07 11:23:50

I would tell her that you had something planned for that day (the wedding) any ay so weren't going anyway, and then ring her ILs and tell them to fuck off as your parenting has nothing to do with them.

scatterbrain Thu 22-Feb-07 11:25:36

I'd leave her - she'll realise eventually !!

Rubber balls and all that - she'll come bouncing back to you etc....

Aloha Thu 22-Feb-07 11:27:51

I wouldn't do anything that could be seen as deliberatly inflaming the situation as I feel a bit sorry for your mum in this (not your fault). I'd check your mum is OK and see how she feels, then if you say anything to your sister, say that you hope she has a good day and you are sorry she feels like this. Who knows what will happen in the future. SHe might even regain her sanity one day!

PaganMum Thu 22-Feb-07 11:33:24

I've been with mum the past few days and she's fine, as stumped as me but fine. I've appologised to mum for having to even be involved and I also appologised twice to my sister but they twisted it and insulted me even more.

Even if it takes her 20 years I'll still forgive her.

Aloha Thu 22-Feb-07 11:34:26

Then let her stew. Sometimes Bridezillas get a huge slump after the wedding and begin to realise what appalling cows they've been. She really is a prize one though. Poor you.

Pavlovthecat Thu 22-Feb-07 11:34:29

What a cow. I am sorry but wedding or not, there is no excuse for behaving like this, and for you to be abused by his family.

You are allowed time off, you have a child which is exceptionally hard work, and if you have little support, you should be able to rely on your mum. And if she is a good granny, which she sounds like she is, she loves every minute of the time she spends with her grandson.

Once upon a time, we had a large family circle and it was expected that grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins all took an interest and supportive role in family, the least you have is grandparent. If your sister does not wish to help you at all, and only make your life harder, then you need some space from her.

I love the name Bridezilla! She certainly sounds jeolous. What will she do if/when she has a child, how can she expect you to support her if she bahaves like this.

How long until the wedding?

Zog Thu 22-Feb-07 11:35:07

I would write a letter to your sister. Make it a very grown up, conciliatory, "more in sorrow than in anger" kind of letter and finish up with wishing them both a fantastic day, plus your hopes that you can be reconciled at some point in the future.

Make sure you show the letter to your Mum before you send it.

This will make you feel better and also puts the ball firmly back into her court. You can then hopefully walk tall and concentrate on the things that really matter - your own family and your Mum.

Your sister will grow up eventually

Pavlovthecat Thu 22-Feb-07 11:36:43

You sound like a good woman too Pagan, if you can think about forgiving before she realises how she has been. I find it hard to forgive, even when people have apologised, although I try hard...she obviously does not realise how lucky she is to have a sister like you.

Aloha Thu 22-Feb-07 11:37:10

letters hostages to fortune IMO. I wouldn't write one.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe Thu 22-Feb-07 11:42:07

no I wouldn't write a letter either. and tbh I wouldn't really do anything, although I would have told the ILs to f* off at the time.

when is the wedding

Zog Thu 22-Feb-07 11:48:11

Ooh, why wouldn't you write a letter? Surely it gives sister something to refer back to when she's stopped being a bridezilla?

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