Need a suitable punishment for an 11 year old phone thief.

[NeedHelpPlease123]

My daughter stole her friends iphone last night, I searched her coat and bag when I found out her friends phone was missing, but she had already hidden it elsewhere at that point. I asked her many times if it was her, she swore it wasn't her and said it was probably the girl's little sister, as the sister was playing with it.
The mum knocked at my door this morning and asked if my daughter had the phone, I said I checked her bag and coat and it wasn't there etc.
Shortly after my daughter asked me where something was, I opened her drawer to find not only one phone but two! Both were stolen from the same girl.

I took the phones to the school and explained what had happened to the head of year etc, so they know what had happened and could deal with it internally and so the phones could be returned to the girl.
(she is excluded from lessons).

I need some suitable punishments for outside of school as this I can't think of anything suitable to match how awful her behaviour has been.

She is already grounded for 3 months for going to said friend's house without permission and not coming home until 8pm.

I need suggestions for individual punishments for stealing phone one, stealing the iphone, lying when questioned about it, stealing from a friend, and making me into a liar by misleading me.

[Newtssuitcase]

Does she have her own phone?

Where possible I try to link "punishment" to crime and so for me the logical one would be the removal of her phone/internet access.

[bornagainchristmastree]

I would call your local PCSO and ask them to come round for an informal chat with your daughter about theft. Ban all devices including tv for the same period as her grounding.

[NeedHelpPlease123]

She only has a cheap phone with no camera or games, for emergencies.

[Shurelyshomemistake]

D'you have any idea why she might be doing this?

3 months' grounding for going to a friend's house sounds extreme. I do appreciate you were worried sick, probably but .... well... just sounds a bit OTT. Others may disagree, I don't know.

[NeedHelpPlease123]

She isn't allowed online unless it's for homework either.

[Newtssuitcase]

When my nephew of about the same age stole from a local shop my DSis took him to the local police station and, having had a quick word with the officer on duty first, "turned him in".

They were happy to have a stern word with him and he has never stolen anything again.

[Namechangenurseryconcerns]

Agree with a police visit.

[Shurelyshomemistake]

Why does she have no internet access except for homework??

[lightgreenglass]

Is she trying to get the phones for internet access, but that wouldn't explain the two phones stolen.

How come she doesn't get any internet access?

I think the punishments are ok, but I would say my parents were more lenient with my punishments compared to some of my friends and tried to find out my mind set, as a result I had a more open relationship with them whereas one girl who's parents were butual constantly rebelled against them.

[NeedHelpPlease123]

@shurely
She isn't allowed out by herself without prior permission (and only if I know where, and who she is with, not on school nights and I need to be able to contact her to make sure she is okay etc,) she also deliberately turned her phone off so I couldn't get in contact with her, I think 3 months of not going out by herself may make her think twice before she does that again.
But the lying and stealing I have no idea what punishment I can give to correct that behaviour.

[MycatsaPirate]

I have an 11 year old and she's not allowed out unless I know exactly where she is going and who with. IE she goes to a group thing after school once a week in the local church on her own as long as she is home by 4.30pm.

She is allowed out to play in the street and is allowed to go to the village to the shops as long as she tells me.

If she disappeared and didn't come home until 8pm and gone I'd be beside myself with worry and absolutely furious with her. She would also be grounded for a substantial period of time. They are 11 not teenagers. Still extremely vulnerable.

I have no idea why she is stealing the phones, I suspect jealousy of the friend and figures, she can't have one so she will make sure friend can't have one either?

I'd second getting a PCSO to talk to her.

[NeedHelpPlease123]

She has no access to the internet because she snuck downstairs at night and illegally downloaded some songs onto the family pc and was trying to visit a game/chat site that her classmates were taking about, so isn't allowed to use it until she can prove to mature enough to respect the rules and use the internet responsibly.

[greenfolder]

Is she upset or ashamed of her behaviour?

[Traalaa]

What does your DD say about it all? Is she upset at all? I'd say a lot depends on how she's reacting. If she's mortified, that's v.v. different to a kid who's not bothered.

[Traalaa]

x-posted with greenfolder!

[NeedHelpPlease123]

She doesn't seem to think her actions are wrong, other than the fact she got caught.
I asked her why she did it but she says she doesn't know why she did it, she just felt like it.

[Crispbutty]

It does come across as harsh that you won't let her use the Internet at all for pleasure. She must feel left out with her peers.

Her behaviour is wrong but sound as if it is out of frustration with the restrictions put on her.

The three month grounding is also very severe.

[Traalaa]

Does it surprise you that she doesn't think she did anything wrong? Isn't she even upset about her friend? I'm guessing they've fallen out big time.

[Oblomov16]

This seems quite complex. Not that I'm condoning what she did at all.

But, Why is her life so restricted? Ds1, slightly older, has had an iPhone for a couple of years and is allowed out regularly, to play football with his mates for most of the day, at half term etc.

Did she want this phone? The internet? To WhatsApp her mates? Or does she hate this girl? Or want what she has.
What she did is significant. But maybe she doesn't see it that way?

But lying and then continuing to lie is not unheard of. My ds1 did that.

What has school said?

[Shurelyshomemistake]

Is the game/ chat site intrinsically bad?? Obviously chat sites can be very dangerous places. But not all.

Not all music downloads are illegal. Have you shown her how she can legally listen to music online or is there another means for her to listen to her choice of music.

It sounds very much to me like a kid wanting to fit in with mates. Imagine being the only one who wasnt sllowed to listen to music (IF this is the case) or participate in activities others are doing online (IF they are safe and if this is actually the case).

Punishment definitely has an important place but I really woukd focus equally on what might be causing this behaviour and if you are maybe too harsh with her. It's just I sense the smell of a violent rebellion and and generally these dont end well.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

You seem to be struggling with her behaviour OP. It might be Worthing talking to your local HV or the school to see if there are parenting courses nearby.

[Shurelyshomemistake]

Excuse the typos.

[TheSecondOfHerName]

Tell her that you had been considering buying her a smartphone for [insert upcoming birthday or milestone] but her recent behaviour has made you realise that she is not yet mature or responsible enough, so she will not be getting one.

[SuburbanRhonda]

I feel really uncomfortable with the fact you've described your own daughter as an "11-year-old phone thief".

She made a wrong choice - several by the sounds of it - but labelling her in that way, as if that's all there is to her, seem very cold and unfeeling.

[greenfolder]

This might be wayy out but.
My dd at roughly the same age started stealing. Mainly money but other stuff too. Long story short .... as an adult she has been diagnosed with adhd. One of the characteristics is opportunistic behaviour.