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(19 Posts)
user1483535186 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:26:53

Okay, I've hit breaking point and I honestly can't continue like this.

I'll try and make sure this all makes sense, as my thoughts are racing faster than my hands can type.

I have two children, aged 4 and 11 months.

They have different fathers, and I am now on my own with both.

With my 4 year old, I suffered with severe pnd, but never got help because I was too scared. I lost a drastic amount of weight, my hair started falling out, I felt numb towards her, when she cried I had to leave the room, I never felt love for her, but I kept her alive and she's turned out amazing, considering the circumstances. She is clever, happy, ahead of her age with numbers and reading etc, maybe I just got lucky, I don't know how it's happened.

My 11 month old, oh the love I have for her fills me with so much joy, as soon as I started writing this paragraph about her my eyes filled up with tears, she is my everything. I sit and watch her playing for hours, watching her little facial expressions and her determination, she's wonderful.

I still don't have a bond with my 4 year old. I don't play with her, I'm overly harsh and probably expect too much from her, she loves her little sister, she loves me too, she says it all the time, but I can't ever say it back. I will pick my 11 month old up and cover her with butterfly kisses, and in the same breath I tell my 4 year old to leave me alone.

Her voice makes me cringe, I'm always telling her to shut up, her cuddles make my skin crawl, so I try to always stay busy so I can avoid her. I read her a bed time story, and I'll check in on her when she sleeps, and every night I cry, I cry because I know this is wrong. But every day it is the same. No matter how hard I try to love my 4 year old, I can't. This isn't what it should be like.

What do I do? I don't know what to do.

NickyEds Wed 04-Jan-17 14:43:24

Does your dd still see her father regularly?

user1483535186 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:45:11

I moved far away when she was 15 months because he was abusive, though he still comes up to see her 4-5 times a year for a week at a time, we are friends now, everything is okay in that aspect.

happyfrown Wed 04-Jan-17 14:45:49

most mothers will be horrified that you clearly favour one. BUT I can write your post and understand how awful it feels.

I had pnd after all 3 dc, ds1 was an easy child and when I recovered we had an ok relationship, unfortunately pnd after ds2 was long and soul destroying, I didn't want to touch him, to make things worse ds1 didn't talk to me and started wetting himself when ds2 was born. ds2 was a nightmare child, constantly down hospital with infections, was walking at 10mths, climbing at 9mths. would smack ds1 with toys all the time, scream the house down.... never bonded with ds2.
even though I had pnd with dd, dad was useless so I had no choice but to tend to her, but for the good because she is now my left arm! she is the only reason why I am breathing. I have no bond with ds's. but I do what I need to bring them up.
its takes courage to say what you did because a lot of mums feel the same but would never admit it. x

happyfrown Wed 04-Jan-17 14:56:17

just to add, I was referred to parenting classes by my health visitor who run local toddler group. (5 parenting classes in total over the years!) although they had no effect on me it might be something that could help you?

Jaysis Wed 04-Jan-17 16:34:37

Would you not seek help for this, knowing how awful and damaging it must be for you and your DD? I'm sure your DD is suffering hugely at the way you treat her and you are suffering in your own way by your actions.

Jaysis Wed 04-Jan-17 16:37:08

I've just re-read - she tells you that she loves you all the time and you've never said it back? That's heartbreaking. Please, go read the Stately Homes threads to see the effects of what's happening will be for all of you.

BitchPeas Wed 04-Jan-17 16:43:32

It must be horrible feeling this way and you are very brave to ask for help.

You need to see a professional and you need to start faking it til you make it. Hug her, tell her you love her. The damage You will do to her if you let this continue much longer will be horrific, you will have one deeply troubled teen on your hands and will regret not doing anything.

user1483535186 Wed 04-Jan-17 17:00:03

Jaysis, I do not feel this way because I want to. So whilst I appreciate you took the time to read my post, you telling me how horrible it is for my child does not help in any way, I know this is wrong.

user1483535186 Wed 04-Jan-17 17:00:06

Jaysis, I do not feel this way because I want to. So whilst I appreciate you took the time to read my post, you telling me how horrible it is for my child does not help in any way, I know this is wrong.

BitchPeas Wed 04-Jan-17 17:03:17

But op jaysis is right. It is awful for your child. You need to hear that, accept it and get help. You are the only one who can change this situation.

user1483535186 Wed 04-Jan-17 17:03:24

I thought that this was normal, until I had my daughter last year, so I have not been aware of my actions until recently, and then have been in denial for a little while, I am scared I have already damaged her.

I do hug her, I just don't enjoy it. She lives a good life, has everything she asks for, I do not harm her physically, she is happy and healthy and always full of smiles, no one suspects anything, I just do not feel the love for her that I feel for my second child, and I think she is becoming aware of this because she will notice I treat her sister better. I have been too scared to ask for help.

Where do I start? Who do I contact?

Do I really just go to my doctor and say 'I do not love my child?'

user1483535186 Wed 04-Jan-17 17:08:55

I am aware the way this is, is wrong, I know this already, I am trying to seek help, this is why I am reaching out, I do not want to read of stories of children who have suffered too much and now are damaged adults. How will that help me, it will only make me feel more guilty than I already do?

Will crying and worrying that I have already damaged her too much, help?
It will not.

I need to know what I can do to turn things around, now that I have plucked up the courage to admit the issue to people other than myself, where do I go from here? I have tried to fake it.

BitchPeas Wed 04-Jan-17 17:17:21

Just go to your GP, take a print out of this thread if it will help you explain it better. Call your local surestart centre or health visitor and again explain how you feel. They would have heard it all before and they will be able to help you.

In the mean time please try and tell her you love her. Just once a day.

People are only telling you about damaged adults to try to push you into getting help I think. Because that is what will happen.

user1483535186 Wed 04-Jan-17 17:26:42

Thank you, I have a dr appointment on Friday about my mental health anyway, so will talk to her then, I am so scared but I am even more scared of what could happen if I carried on this way.

I know people are trying to help, I just don't want to think too far ahead about how damaged she already is, I cannot reverse what I have done, I can only try to be better in the future.

Thank you for responding and being kind with me, I will tell her I love her. I will hug her more and I will keep these feelings away from her, it is not her fault, but not mine either.

I wonder if maybe it's down to the relationship I had with her father? The pnd? Has these things resulted in me resenting her for that part of my life?

I need to move past these issues.

Jaysis Wed 04-Jan-17 17:28:11

Do I really just go to my doctor and say 'I do not love my child?

Yes. You start from there. You ask where you can get referrals to, take whatever help is offered and see what you can do to fix this before more damage occurs.

I was actually trying to be helpful, as much as you may think otherwise. I feel sorry for your pain but I feel desperately sorry for the little girl in this too. I didn't suggest Stately homes to make you feel like shit, but more to motivate you into making changes for the child that deserves love while you can.

I'll bow out of your thread now though, as you are finding my posts unhelpful.

Beansprout30 Wed 04-Jan-17 21:22:21

I hope you can get some help op, your post made me tearful for your daughter. If you cannot bring yourself to tell her you love her, could you do it some other way? Buy her something nice, a teddy or something with a note or a card? I don't know maybe that's a silly idea but please tell her one way or another xx

happyfrown Wed 04-Jan-17 22:30:24

op as i can relate to your post, i thought it might be helpful to mention that in one of my threads (similar to yours) they have mentioned something called theraplay its helps retrain the mind and help bond with your child. they have suggested i ask my gp/health visitor to help. might be useful for you too.
its not your fault, pnd doesn't help bonding and if you had trouble with ex P, as did i. you can resent anything to do with them. sad but true. faking is healthy for dd but it wont help you and the thoughts that cripple you. so make sure you get help for yourself.
im not saying this to upset you, but i am the result of an unloving cold hearted mother/family. my life is destroyed. i find it hard to love others not being programmed how to as a child and sadly ive recycled this with my dcs. i never meant to.

i hope Friday goes well good luck x

atetoomanybiscuits Fri 06-Jan-17 21:41:54

Right, not trying to being mean or judgey, but this is a tiny child, whether or not you view her as your child you love like your second, you as an adult, need to realise that your behaviour has damaging consequences for her. I fully accept how you feel, been there. BUT you fake it to make it. You do not leave a 4 year old child hanging who tells you they love you.

After you've faked it, please go get some therapy, as whilst this isn't your fault, you have a responsibility to fix it for you and her. Please make sure you fake it, even if you don't feel it. That child will grow with a whole host of emotional issues unless you try and reverse this. I'm a product of parent hate. It's awful.

Best of luck X

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