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Adult son living at home...

(4 Posts)
Brightonmum1 Sun 01-Jan-17 10:20:14

Our adult son is living at home has no job and is in my opinion depressed. He is a good person but his constant ailments (possible hypochondria) and depression is weighing me down heavily and I don't know how much longer i can cope with it.
My husband digs his head in the sand and just thinks things will right themselves so does nothing other than bite my head off when I broach the subject or try to share my concerns with him. Hence I now feel very resentful towards them both and the only way I can see of resolving this issue is to separate from my husband and let him deal with our son.
I know that I'm being a lousy mum and believe me I feel guilty but I'm not in a great place myself... last year was probably the worst ever and I'm desperately trying to get out of my black hole. This is proving to be so difficult because I'm now carrying the burden of my sons problems alone as hubby doing the ostrich thing...
I accept we can't just ask him to leave so be suggested that we work out a plan that will enable our 30 year old to fly the nest. I'm in such turmoil and don't know what to do for the best for both my son and myself. I'm concerned that I will end up depressed again and I am so desperate to ensure that 2017 is going to be brighter and better for me as I can't continue with feeling so miserable anymore.
We have given our son every opportunity to turn his life around and he is now studying again but how can he leave home whilst having no income? We could have another 4 years of this before he completes his degree.
Is there any advice that anyone could give me?
Thank you

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 01-Jan-17 22:52:23

Does your son actually have any categorised MH problems?

I imagine it would be difficult to be in his shoes as really he has missed the boat a bit as most boys are independent by this stage.

Has he spoken to any GP's etc re: his issues? Does he get jobseekers or DLA?

I feel for you as I would want my son to have a full life like his peers by that stage. His autonomy vs you getting on with your life are at odds with each other. If your husband refuses to discuss it then really he is enabling your son's unhappiness. It's not normal.

Brightonmum1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:17:25

Thank you for your reply, he's in a pretty awful place but caused by no one other than himself... no he hasn't had any MH problems until now really and he hasn't spoken to a Dr because he is in denial and my husband and I have both told him he should go.
Yes he is getting Jobseeker's Allowance £35 Pw and we don't ask him to pay towards his keep, however I think we should but once again my husband is in disagreement with me on this. I would put the money aside for him so that he would have a deposit for a flat when he is ever in the position to be able to afford to move out.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 01-Jan-17 23:28:36

Is he not being forced to look for a job then if he is receiving jobseekers allowance?

You're right that it's probably entirely all his own doing, was he always so insular? Is there anything that he really wanted to do as a child/teenager etc that could be used to motivate him? He must be interested in something.

I agree with you, i think he has it way too easy if he is not paying anything towards his keep. He'll be sad but comfortable. Like a nest of misery. It's not doing him any favours.

In my opinion, if you have any money, I'd keep quiet about it but reveal later that you've had a gift of £xx and you'd like to use it for him to fulfil one of his lifelong wishes.

Whether it be visiting a different country, volunteering in africa with DFID, spending time at a commune or co-op creative set up. Anything at all really. He needs his world view broadened to jump start him into wanting more and meeting new people.

(I have experience in Further Education and met a lot of young adults who had 'life changing experiences that prompted them to return to education.)

Obviously there would be a cost outlay for yourselves but short term loss for a long term gain? And it is an obvious direct benefit for your son so I don't see how your DH could have an issue with it.

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