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Family members struggle to like my elderly Mum

(4 Posts)
lifebeginsat60 Fri 30-Dec-16 14:22:07

My Mum is in her 90s. We don't see her often but whenever we do it causes tension which I doubt she is aware of. She has been nothing but thoughtful generous towards all of us over the years but has a knack of saying things that really rankle - xenophobic attitudes, personal comments about my adult children's weight, tactless remarks about meals or presents we give her (and she voted for Brexit!). My adult children have always made an effort with her but somehow she just manages to burst the bubble every time and leave them upset. None of what she says or does seems massively important in the great scheme of things and I really wish we could have a laugh about it afterwards but it seems we can't. In recent years, my husband, who can be abusive and aggressive, has become so venomous about her I can't bear it. She has accepted him and been thoughtful about him for years but he can find nothing good in her although he is never rude to her face. I have asked her not to make personal comments but she forgets and does it anyway. She and I have never been really close or communicated clearly (she is nearly deaf) but we love each other and it breaks my heart to think that we may have her around much longer. My husband has made it clear he will be glad when she's gone.

I'm not sure what I expect to hear from posting this. Has anyone had to cope with something similar?

Heirhelp Fri 30-Dec-16 14:53:29

This might be better in relationships.

Chillyegg Fri 30-Dec-16 15:05:26

Why are you with your husband if hes abusive and agressive? Id get this moved ro relationships.

Also if your mum if xenophobic and makes rude comments people arent going to like it. Age and generation do hqve to be considered but rudeness doesnt stop being not ok when you get past a certain age.

cansu Fri 30-Dec-16 15:09:52

You just have to be really clear with your husband that any nasty comments hurt you and therefore if he chooses to make them he is choosing to hurt and upset you. I had a similar situation with my partner and whilst I think they dislike him as much as he dislikes them they are all polite to each other.

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