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feel like im drowning, ds2 on way and scared(12 Posts)
Im 6 mths pregnant with ds2. Ds1 is currently 17 months and will be 22 months when his brother is born. Im really worried about the birth, about life looking after 2 very young children with zero support and a marriage which is already at breaking point.
I am married and used to have a very well paid job until ds1 arrived and i was made redundant whilst on mat leave. We had planned for me to stay at home but i didnt realise how much things would change. My oh and i do nothing but argue. He is disappointed in me because im not a perfect house wife. Hes always been a moaner and veey critacle but im strong and have defended myself. In my current position (pregnant with no financial independance) i feel so weak and vulnerable. I do my best at home and keep things clean and tidy but he criticises me all the time. Im called slovenly, lazy and everything else under the sun. I have had and continue to have zero external support with our son - its so hard getting stuff done but my oh does not want to register that because 'i have it easy and am am lazy and should be doing more'. I have no family support - i dont get on with my mil at all and my parents pay no interest in me or or our lb whatsoever. Since ive lost financial independence its like ive become a lesser person in my oh eyes. I feel extremely alone. He threatens to leave me, tells me things need to change, that im the reason his mother treats him worse than his sibling (because she doesnt like me) etc...
Im really worried that i wont be able to cope when ds2 arrives. If i felt like oh loved me and would help/support me instead of continually putting me down it wouldnt feel so bad. I cant leave as i have no money, no access to money and no means of supporting ds1 and ds2 when he arrives. I feel like im drowning and that ill be useless to both children as i wont be able to meet their needs. Things will be worse in the house as i have little time to do anything as it is so my oh will be on at me even more. I feel ugly and unattractive and as much as i love my lb, i feel like im letting him down by not doing enough with him.
I sit here asking myself if i am the things he says. Am i not doing enough? Am i lazy? Is what my oh saying true? Tbh i really dont knkw who i am anymore. I was expecting change but i wasnt expecting to lose myself like it have. I have very few friends and no close ones as i dont want to tell anyone how bad things are. I cant talk to my family and my inlaws really dont like me at all so there is no support there.
I sometimes feel like my lb would probably be better off without me because im obviously shit at being a mom because of what oh repeatedly drums into me.
I am usually so strong but i literally have nothing left.
Im really worried that i wont be able to cope when ds2 arrives.
Whatever happens, you will cope.
I cant leave as i have no money, no access to money and no means of supporting ds1 and ds2 when he arrives.
Is it only finances preventing you from leaving?
Op as pp said, you will be fine whatever happens. I'm sure you're a great mum but it's hard to have confidence in your ability with someone constantly tearing you down. Your husband is an asshole, doesn't deserve you or your lovely boys. I hope you can figure out a way to leave if that's what you want to do
You can leave.
Ok, it's not easy and yes financially it's hard but we have a welfare state and child maintence agency to prevent people needing to email in abusive relationships.
But I agree with the above poster. You are strong. You know this isn't a good situation and you need support to change it before you start questioning what your're being told and actually start to believe it.
And you're not financially dependent. Money is family money - you earn your fair share raising his children.
I bet you are a great mum, pregnancy hormones and a young toddler are tough at the best of.times never mind the shit you also have going on.
I.really don't think parenting is your issue at all this is much more to do with your relationship. You should try posting on the relationship board as it gets more traffic and people will have more practical and emotional advice on how to deal with your situation with your partner and leaving if that is what you want to do.
He should be making you feel dependent or worthless you are raising and growing children that's pretty tiring, hard work and you are doing it well. Who cares if the house isn't spotless you are not the housekeeper.
Sorry to hear how rough this is. Remember you are still you and this is a temporary situation. Grit your teeth, try to emotionally distance yourself from your partner if he is undermining you all the time. Focus on you and your babies. If you think your relationship is worth saving then you can put energy into that but your survival and the children's are paramount. In a few short years you will have your identity, work, friends, enjoyment of life and your strength back. This is something that will pass.
I don't want lie to you. I have this age gap and it was very hard work for the first few months. I felt stretched very thin even with a supportive DH. You need to steel yourself and focus on you and the babies. Make a plan to ltb (and you absolutely should, he sounds awful) but don't feel like you have to act on it now. Then just start tuning him out. His opinions don't matter. They aren't reality. You are strong. When you're ready you'll go back to work and leave him. I know that you will.
Op, ask to get this thread moved to the relationships board. You will get some very helpful advice there!
You need help and support now. there is bound to be help, have you tried talking to the health visitor or woman's aid?
You sound like a great mum. Of course you can't do everything just by yourself and it's normal to put your little boy before house chores, you are not lazy just human.
Report your post and ask for it to be moved to the relationships board.
OP, you feel you're drowning because your partner and father of your ds has been emotionally abusing you and this has harmed you psychologically and emotionally.
You will continue to struggle while you're subject to this abuse.
Are you in the UK? Would you be entitled to benefits if you were alone with your dc's?
I'd start getting a fund together so you have some kind of financial back-up if and when you do leave.
Also you sound so alone but ask your midwife about support groups in your area and get out and meet other women.
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