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Advise needed!! Mothers/fathers rights.

(13 Posts)
Nicolelea26 Wed 28-Dec-16 23:22:02

Please bare with me as totally new to this and no idea what I'm doing or if I'm posting in the right topic?

I have a 7 year old daughters and I'm separated from her father. On/ off for 8 years but been split for 2 now. Split was amicably and we have always 90 percent of the time agreed on stuff and worked very well together on our child's upbringing. He's in a relationship and has been for the last 21 months and he lives with her and her children, he was seeing her 3 nights a week which was cut down to 1 night and two nights for tea due to work commitments. had a little trouble last year in regards to alleged drugs and obviously stopped my daughter from going to their property, never stopped her from seeing her dad. Just from going to the property and seeked legal advise, in the end we resolved issues amicably and I allowed my child to
Go back around under certain terms and everything has been fine apart from a few blips with his other half. Recently my ex and his girlfriend had a huge arguments, arguments happen, that's understandable, however this argument resulted in her kicking him out along with my child at 7pm and me having to collect my child who was crying in my arms for an hour and then she spent the next day in school upset about it. He was adamant they were over and he was going to find somewhere to live etc, even went as far as declaring himself with no where to live and then a week later he's back with her and demanding my child be allowed back to the house. I have completely refused, I've said he can see her, whenever he wishes. His mum and sister have even offered him somewhere to stay when he has her and he's not taking it,Instead he's saying I'm being awkward and stopping him from Having time with his child. Legally when she's with him I cannot stop him from taking her to the property, he has at this moment in time respected what I have asked, however I have a daily battle of text messages telling me how I'm selfish and not thinking of my child. Basically skating my decision.When he is seeing her, he's asking her questions and texting me constant shit. He's now started saying he's going to take her back to the property, I don't want my child around a woman who has no care for my child surely as a mother I'm allowed To do that? I'm all for fathers rights but in all this uproar for fathers rights what the hell happened to the mothers rights?! Am I doing the right thing? Would you stop your child from going to the property?

Nicolelea26 Wed 28-Dec-16 23:33:20

When I say he was seeing her 3 nights a week, I mean he was seeing our daughter 3 nights a week, sorry don't know how to edit post!

Lunar1 Wed 28-Dec-16 23:41:09

No I wouldn't allow my child there, he'd have to take me to court to get contact back if he was threatening to have her near that awful woman. Being thrown out of your home with you dad would be terrifying for a child and not something I'd give a second chance over.

abbsisspartacus Thu 29-Dec-16 07:26:29

I think legally you don't have a leg to stand on you have to make her available for contact its up to him to protect the environment when she is under his care

abbsisspartacus Thu 29-Dec-16 07:27:39

Saying that I would kick off massively personally so I'm with you!

Nicolelea26 Thu 29-Dec-16 07:43:28

Legally, I don't, he's on the birth certificate but I'm not stoping his contact, I just don't want her at his girlfriends property. My little girl was devastated that night and I just don't see how I'm meant to allow her back there knowing how bad their arguments could get but if he plans on staying with her for the 'rest of his life' I have no idea where I stand. I've advised him to go to a solicitor lunar. He gets in my little girls head and attempts to alienate her from me. He's no consideration for what he's saying to her and how it affects her but will make out like she's saying stuff to him x

AverageJosephine Thu 29-Dec-16 08:21:15

Actually I'm a very strong supporter of fathers rights but in this case I think it's an issue of your child's right. She has a right to not be exposed to distressing and damaging situations. I'm shocked and angry that she was thrown out of her home into the street in the course of an adults argument. These things cannot ever be undone and will probably stay with your dd forever.

Your first priority is to protect your daughter from exposure to damaging environments and if your ex is unable to hide his adult fights and their consequences from her then his access needs to be limited.

I say all the above in the context of you who do not seem vindictive or like you are trying to get at him in any way. You have been very fair in treating him like the parent he is but he is now failing to protect your dd so I feel you are right to step in until he can sort a better situation for her.

Nicolelea26 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:22:46

Jospehine I agree and I'm a big believer in shared rights and parenting, I've always been very fair, with alternate Christmas , birthdays and sharing overnight stays etc. always accommodated him for his work purposes and lifestyle etc. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her father. My daughter has grown close to the children in that property and i know she wants to go back but when do I draw a line as a mother and make that final decision? Does she get that choice as a child or do I as her mother get that decision as I want to ensure she is safe and not affected by traumitising situations she shouldn't find herself in like the one she has? Am I in the long run going to be resented by my child from stopping her from going to that property even though I'm not stopping her relationship with her father? And am I going to affect my child from that decision? In a perfect world I'd like his girlfriend to be a part of my child's upbringing if she's going to be apart of her life in the Long term but this woman has no consideration for my child and this is not the first problem I've come across. I don't understand why my child was made to leave that property and why that was even deemed as a correct answer to their argument and as a mother herself and from woman to woman she should of kept hold of my child and called me straight away, the argument should not of been presented infront of her but the escalation of that argument should of never been witnessed by a 7 year old.

Ouriana Thu 29-Dec-16 12:29:02

Do you get on with the girlfriend?

Im wondering if there is another side to the story, maybe he walked out with your child rather than her demanding they leave? Would it be possible for you to meet her for coffee, explain your concerns and ask that in future if there are any problems your child is either allowed to stay at their home until she is returned to you, or your ex or his girlfriend contact you and you can pick her up.

Your totally in yhe right about not wanting your daughter in that situation but if he did decide to take you to court they wouldnt enforce your decision, so it may be easier to find a way so she can go and you feel comfortable with her being there.

Marmalade85 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:32:22

If your child is at risk of harm by being at that address then you can absolutely stop your ex from taking her there.

NewNNfor2017 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:38:16

Legally this is seen as you either trust your DDs father to do what is right for her, or you don't.

If you don't trust him to keep her safe, then he should not have ANY unsupervised contact with her - what other poor judgements will he make that puts her at risk?

MrBear Fri 30-Dec-16 08:26:55

My DD went through something like this and it ended up in court.!

Surprisingly if you have no court order you both automatically have "joint custody" which DOES NOT in itself assure visitation rights.

My DD was stopped from seeing her kids for 3 weeks by her ex, we had to go to court to sort it (v.expensive !!) but I was shocked to find that she didnt automatically have rights to see the kids

So yes you can stop him seeing the kids, but from what I remember , if he picks up the kids and you try to wrestle them out of him arms , you've assaulted him, and thats criminal not civil .

Pop to Citizens advice as this is a legal minefield

Nicolelea26 Fri 06-Jan-17 04:17:32

Sorry just seen this!
Thank you mrbear.

Thank you all for advice. It's very appreciated.

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