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Oh, please help me help dd get over 'losing' her very best friend

(26 Posts)
dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 09:09:38

Bit complicated but basically dd's (who is 4 and 3/4) best friend at nursery/school left reception at Oct half-term to go to another nearby school (due to her mother' personal reasons). I reassured dd that of course she could still see her best friend after school etc, but what has happened is that X's mum (who I considered a good friend) has totally cut me and two other friends out of her life, so dd never ever sees X. I tried and tried to arrange anything and everything so they could get together but X's mum has cancelled every time and things eventually came to a head when I told her I was fed up with her letting me and dd down every time we had something plannned (and it really was every single time).
Am So gutted for dd as she misseds X so much and hasn't really made other friends at school. What can I do/say to make things better for her? Am at a loss. Thanks. Dinny

Leda Tue 20-Feb-07 09:23:29

That must be really hard. I don’t really have advice other than making sure your dd gets a bit of extra tlc from you until she finds her feet with a new friend again. Didn’t want your post to go unanswered though.

Oh, and the other mother sounds rather horrible. I wonder how your dd’s friend feels about it all and whether her feelings are being taken into consideration at all.

admylin Tue 20-Feb-07 09:25:36

I feel for your dd, both my dc have lost good friends and I can't give you any tips , just wait and hope that a new friend will come along eventually.
It's so hard to see them suffer and I know dd really misses her friend who moved back to her home country - even now after 6 months she sometimes says she would have played such and such with her friend if she had not left. Ds is luckey in that he is older and writes to his friend and sometimes phones. They were like little soul mates but we had to move away so it was sad.

Sonnet Tue 20-Feb-07 09:29:10

Oh Dinny I am sorry - sounds like it's both of you who have lost friends.

IMO you have to leave "mum and friend" alone, you have done your bit to keep the friendship going but it takes two.This is very hard especially if DD keeps asking after her BF.

I would try and keep DD busy. Developing other friendships has to be a key priority for DD now. Can you possibly ask a a few to tea/playdate over the next couple of weeks on a 1 to 1. It is often easier for kids to develop their freindships out of school. Hopefully this will lead to invitiations back for your DD.

I have had to help DD1 over the last year with friends althouigh she is 9. We have had some very good sucess.
I alos have DD2 who is just 6 and in year one and as sucj she dosn't have a best friend, they all seem to play together. Is your DD in reception? - if so there is plenty of time for friendships to develop especially if you give it your full support.

Keep smiling - it is so hard seeing them sad and being powerless to help isn't it!

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 09:29:18

would be SO much easier if X had moved but she actually lives 100 yards away!

her mother has many problems, I have come to realise.

Sonnet Tue 20-Feb-07 09:30:36

sorry about typos - had cat on my knee trying to help me!!

Sonnet Tue 20-Feb-07 09:31:27

100 yards away!! - what happens if you bump into her in the street, see her from your window etc??

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 09:33:58

Sonnet, yes, she's in reception and has a really good (boy) friend and has met a girl she really likes (who wasn't in nursery).

a lot of the problem is that we spent so much time out of school with X and her mother. Feel so foolish that I put all our eggs in one basket, as it were. never again.

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 09:37:08

amazingly haven't - well, me and my friend (who was previosuly a good 'friend' of X's mother) saw her once with X on her bike, and she literally turned round and ran other way when she saw us.

just don't know what to tell dd, given it is likely we'll bump into them at some point (though X's mother is kind of in hibernation, I think)

Marina Tue 20-Feb-07 09:39:12

I am really sorry dinny. Ds lost his best friend in reception too - it was sort of easier that they moved to Moscow, not just to another school. But her mother swore blind she'd stay in touch and rather stupidly I believed her and didn't really discourage ds from doing so.
Have you told dd in so many words how sad you are too that the friendship between the four of you has ended? She is clear, like you, that this separation is not her or your fault?
Seeing how ds pined for this dear little girl for quite a long time made me realise that even children not that long out of nappies can develop intense, lasting affection for people outside their family circle. I am really sorry for you both, especially your dd.

Notquitesotiredmum Tue 20-Feb-07 09:48:29

I do feel for you and your dd. DS2 is similarly deeply attached to his best friend who lives just as close. We had to do some quick adjusting last year and make sure that we invited other children around as I could see it was getting too intense for his little friend. DS2 still asks about his friend the moment he opens his eyes in the morning, but is gradually adjusting to the fact that I am arranging play dates with just about every other child in the area for him too. I agree that play dates are the way to go, even if just once or twice, so that when they get to school they have that headstart in playing together.

Some people do just develop deep, deep attachments, and others can't always live up to expectations. I guess it's a lesson which will stand your dd in good stead later in life, always trying to build up a group of friends rather than relying on one.

Can you have a word with your dd's teacher too, to let her know the situation. She might be able to put your dd with new friends and/or encourage them all to mix more. Some teachers can be brilliant at doing this.

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 10:10:22

thanks for the support - it has really really upset us both as it does feel like we have been dumped from a great height. in fact, I know that X's mother has formed a v similarly intense friendship with a mother in X's new school (a friend of mine is at the school X moved to - who has also, in fact, been kind of dumped a bit by X's mother)

have arranged some playdates and dd has been on some but she isn't keen on many in her class (she is quite quirky and not at all girly). it all just feels so forced, whereas before it came so easily and dd was SO happy.
should add it's a really difficult time for me atm as my dad is v ill and we are all facing genetic tests soon. dd's unhappiness is sending me over the edge, in a way. dreading her going back to school tomorrow.

Marina Tue 20-Feb-07 10:13:27

Oh dinny, I am really extremely sorry to hear about your dad's illness and the additional worry of screening for you all. How dreadful

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 10:16:15

thanks, Marina. he has one form of cardiomyopathy. has been receiving amazing treatment at Heart Hospital in London, that's one good thing.

SSShakeTheChi Tue 20-Feb-07 10:22:48

It is hard to understand but we really don't see the whole picture, and I imagine, neither do you.

If this dm has already formed a close intense friendship with a dm in the new school, I think she may be that way. Needs a best friend IYSWIM.

I don't know what personal problems she has or why she moved school. It may all tie in. Perhaps she didn't want her dd mixing with the kids in the old school for some reason. Is that likely?

What you could do I suppose is offer to pick up her dd, have her all day Saturday and overnight and then drop her back on Sunday. That frees up the dm and she has nothing to organise or do. If she doesn't even want to do that, then you know where you stand, don't you?

is her dd not missing yours though?

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 10:27:27

there IS a bigger picture and the mum has had a tough year. have tried to be there for her but this village is the scene of her upset. can understand her moving schools but thought she thought enough of our dds' friendship (and ours) to stay in touch. but she obviously doesn't, sadly. have tried everything I can think of, offered to look after her dd etc. I have given up now, just want to know what the hell I can say to dd to make her feel better.

LIZS Tue 20-Feb-07 11:12:15

that is a hard lesson for dd to deal with. I guess all you can do is focus on her other friends and hopethat as they get older they may meet at other things assuming they remain close by and revive the friendship if it is one worth having. The mum sounds really blinkered to try to shut her old contacts out tbh but perhaps she is trying not to dwell on the past and start all over again.

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 16:43:33

LIZS (hello) I just feel ragingly furious that she has done this to our dds' friendship. v blinkered. so impotent to do anything to help the situation, driving me mad. wish they'd moved away, would have bn much easier!

dinny Tue 20-Feb-07 20:10:00

anyone else got any ideas what I can actually say to dd to explain this situation?

Notquitesotiredmum Wed 21-Feb-07 11:01:46

I'd take it as close to the truth as you can. Some people stay good friends all their lives. Others change and like to make new friends. It makes us sad when that happens, but we can make new friends too, and we can try to keep our old ones as long as they will let us.

It is an important lesson in life.

bluejelly Wed 21-Feb-07 11:16:51

My dd fell out with her best friend last autumn. We had weeks of tears and soul searching but happy to report that all is okay now and she has a new best friend. ALthough it's a hard lesson to learn ultimately it's a temporary setback rather than a deep trauma.

(The other mum sounds a bit odd if you ask me)

Enid Wed 21-Feb-07 11:25:15

very hard

this happened to dd1 at the beginning of this school year but luckily the mum in question and I have stayed very close and the girls see each other a lot and still class each other as their 'best friend'.

I would not make too much of it dinny. I would THROW yourself into trying to cultivate friendships with others - do remember that they are SO young. I would be bright and breezy at all times in front of your dd (while inwardly cursing strange unfriendly mother).

Have a party for your dd? how about an easter party?

dinny Wed 21-Feb-07 13:15:22

it's her birthday in May, Enid - not sure whether to have party in hall and invite the whole class or tell dd to choose a few to go to Legoland or something (knowing dd, she'd prefer the latter as she doen't like half her class - v particular in her friendships!)

actually, just saw the mum in question as ds and I crossed zebra crosssing on way back from farm shop - she didn't even make eye contact

my other two friends who were friends with her think she is v v odd and, sadly, a bit of a user.

dinny Thu 22-Feb-07 20:20:52

well, dd was so upset about not seeing her friend yesterday that this morning, against my better judgement, I texted X's mother and asked if X could come to tea any day next week. Surprise, surprise, no response. Feel upset with self that I have invited another rebuff but felt I had to try for dd's sake

lockets Thu 22-Feb-07 20:27:51

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