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I don't quite know how to begin this blog but I do know that tonight I feel sad. It's a sad that will always be with me. It's the sort of sad that makes you want to sleep or at the very least lie down in a very dark, soundproofed room. I want to scream. Sometimes I want to kill. I am told the pain dulls over time. I just have this huge fu*ing hole smashed right through the centre of my heart and it's never going to be "right" again. It will always have a big crack running through it and be sensitive and susceptible to further damage. It's weak. I hate that word and I hate having to admit that I am but there is no escaping the fact that I am weak in the face of this pain. It drains my energy, my positivity, my every waking moment. It invades my every pore and at times, absolutely terrifies me. It oozes out of me and it's completely and utterly toxic. I have to work hard to keep from going under. I have to have plans, be busy, keep active. Anything. Just so long as I don't have to think too deeply about my sad. It gets unbearable if I have too much time to think about my sad.
Just writing this has reduced me to tears. Sad tears but also angry tears, frustrated tears and tears only a wronged person could cry. The sort of tears that would melt the face off the person responsible for them. Hateful tears. I hate feeling hateful but I'm not ready, not able to forgive. Not just yet. It's only been a year. At least now I manage to sleep now and again (it's 2am now so obviously not tonight) and I no longer have the stabbing pain in my heart when I once cared for the person who has inflicted the sad. That particular Fire finally went out a while back. My sad isn't for the loss of some arsehole who did not deserve my love and respect. My sad is the loss of my world. My children.
Tonight I dropped my children to their arsehole father and I won't see them again until Christmas night. This will be the first time n their young lives that we will not be spending Christmas together. I won't get to kiss them goodnight listening to their excited giggles or smile as my youngest tells me she hears Santa's sleigh bells. I won't be there to read a bedtime story (or two), tuck them into bed and kiss their foreheads. I won't see and hear them in the morning race downstairs to the tree or jump on my bed pleading for me to get up and open my gifts. This is the first year my little one has really gotten excited about Christmas and truly understands what's going on, it breaks my heart into a million pieces to be excluded from these super important, wonderful moments in their lives. I fking hate it so much that I can't even be bothered to be fking polite or magnanimous about it. It's not even just about f**king Christmas its about all of it. All the enforced and unwanted separation. All the special moments we are missing out on and will miss out on in the months and years to come. I will only get to see half their lives and they will spend the rest of theirs flitting between two world that are poles apart. In the future I will have to share their special moments with some unknown person depending on arseholes mental state and latest tinder squeeze. I didn't sign up for that and neither did they but things don't always work out the way you think they will. People you trust implicitly sometimes shouldn't be trusted and sadly, people you thought you knew can quickly change beyond all recognition. History can be rewritten to suit agenda's and decent, respectful behaviour can be replaced by something so truly awful that, at times, it can take your breath away.
The past few years have been painful and scary but the pain has eased and I am no longer afraid. I am in charge of my life and I embrace that (and actually love it) but the sadness never leaves and it can also be incredibly lonely. It's a constant ache and something I know I will have to get used to. I know I am not alone in feeling like this but it just feels so wrong.
There is a huge big hole that can never be filled and I write this because it helps me to release the pain. I just wanted someone to know and if anyone out there is going through the same I want you to know that you are not alone either. It's hard. It really is and I wish I knew how it's all going to end but I don't so to all of you lucky mums out there who have your babies close by to laugh with and wonder at now and throughout all of their lives I wish you a very Merry Christmas and so much love.
Hug them tighter, kiss them more, laugh with them, encourage them and appreciate all that they are and all that you have. Be kind. Always. xx
Please excuse the expletives
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