I shout, they ignore me. I know there's a better way...(9 Posts)
I'll keep this short. DS1 is 4.5yo and DS2 2.1yo.
The combination of the wrestling, bickering, horse play, the defiance and boundary pushing, stroppiness and general know-it-all grumpiness (DS1) and full body tantrums, pushing, hitting, snatching, shouting (DS2) is making me SLOWLY GO INSANE.
All I do is issue ineffective instructions at them all day - often resorting to shouting because, well, I'M SLOWLY GOING INSANE - don't do that, stop hitting/shouting/pushing/sitting on his head/get dressed/get undressed/JUST STOP IT!!!!! and all they do is ignore me.
There has to be a better way but I can't think straight.. HELP ME!!!
Usual caveat: they are beautiful, loving, adorable, kind, sweet baby boy chicks some of the time too ;)
Hopefully going to bump this for you! In the meantime, have you tried just getting down on their level, hands gently but firmly, on their shoulders and explaining exactly why they can't do what they're currently doing & what the consequences will be (and do it!). They may just hear you as a random noise in the background if that makes sense, whereas if you actually connect with them they should (hopefully) take it more seriously. I only have one I have to deal with in this way, the other is still a baby, but it works every time. It can be time consuming but, for me, has been effective. Good luck and 🍷for you!
Read how to talk so children will listen.
Also this sentence really helps because it takes the focus off them: DC I need you to ...
Oh and positive commands. So instead of stop that you say hands off!
Consequences is your answer...along with being clear on rules and calm but firm.
Make a poster of house rules, no hitting, wrestling etc...put it on the kitchen wall...sit them down and read it to them...tell them that if they stick to the rules each day they get an end of day treat, something they will love. If they break them they get a black sticker, 2 black stickers in a day and consequences, could be no TV for a day or no park visit...has to be something they really like taken away and immediate.
Also if my two started to fight /argue, immediately a warning...if you do that again you will go to seperate rooms straight away for 20mins, always follow through...they hated being apart so soon stopped the bad behavior.
Good luck with restoring peace!
Get them out every day. They need fresh air and a runaround to be calmer at home.
Children are unable to understand quickly spoken and unclear instructions so if all of a sudden whilst they are killing each other you begin to yell and hollar you will get nowhere.
So, what to do... Few scenarios for you;
- They are screaming, crying and fighting with each other arguing over who got to sneeze first (god forbid )
Your usual reaction is probably to shout at them both, "pack it in, stop blah blah blah" they hear none of it and all of a sudden the injustice of being shouted at by mum makes you the target.
solution a very firm, louder than they are simple instruction. I.e. "STOP! HANDS ON HEAD/BUMS/HIPS (whichever)"
This will have them stop, but then you must follow with simple instructions of what you want to happen i.e. you sit there + you sit there.
You must keeps things simple, they will then calm down, you will also be calm and they will soon learn that Mummy or Daddy's STOP! HANDS ON HEAD means they are crossing the line and it will be a indicator of enough.
-Refusing to get dressed / leave sibling alone or do as you have asked.
The battle of wills between parent and toddler. Parent usually loses, however it is important to pick your battles...
I.e. You've picked out pink socks but she wants to purple socks... Aslong as she is wearing bloody socks - let her win.
However, if they think today is butt naked day at the farm and refusal to get dressed then action is needed.
solution this one is where it's a great idea to pit sibling rivalries against each other... It's a game "who thinks they can get dressed the quickest" all of a sudden big child gets an opportunity to 'beat' little sibling. Works EVERY time, i always help little one get dressed which ensures a draw (god forbid anyone loses) queue lots and lots of 'whoooop' team work high fives...
1-0 to mummy.
- Tantrums.... Yes. Mind blowing.
The best and most effective way i have discovered to put an end to a tantrum (depending on the scale, if we are nuclear i strongly advise placing in a safe place and riding it out)
Comedy... This has ended every tantrum I've dealt with (professionally and personally) get to the child's level and validate their feelings of being sad saying i know you're sad because of x,y or z. They need to feel understood, but also the tantrum needs to end so... I then say "do you need a tickle??" whilst doing tickle signal with fingers, a big big smile to go with it and then "ooo yes. I see a little tickle spot right there" a big tickle and then the tantrum is usually turned into a smile and a cuddle.. Unless it's nuclear lol.
Really useful tips here. OP, I feel for you. I've just had a good run of no shouting days mainly due to using some of the above tips and I've done a positive parenting course. I have however just totally let myself down and shouted........a lot, due to the bloody door slamming by my 6 year old and the damage its causing to the door and feame. I Completely hate myself right now, dc2 was so upset. We've had a cuddle and a chat. It's so hard, just take each 'situation' as it comes and before reacting, try to see it though their eyes, very hard if it's been building up and you've reached the end of your tether but it really does help. We are all human at the end of the day and all have a breaking point. Although even though I know how damaging shouting can be, it just happens sometimes. All the best 😊
Oops sorry, paragraphs would probably have been useful in my post!
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