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Just discovered DS (6yrs) wants to run away

(16 Posts)
MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 18-Dec-16 21:48:26

I feel terrible, and terrified. I've really fucked up everything.

Discovered over £300 hidden in DS room. He's been stealing it bit by bit from my handbag since early summer.

He was angry with me and thinks it's my fault his 'friend' went away... even though the friend went to NY for his main job and then to the Middle East as his mother was taken terribly ill.

Friend aka male nanny he's transferred an awful lot of attachment issues onto from his tosser father, my abusive fucker of a stbxh who abandoned him 2 yrs ago.

But friend is back yet DS still carried on preparing to run away to NY to find the friend and leave me sad. He wasn't playing, but really really means it and was scarily prepared. I don't know what to do or how to make it better.

Life has been pretty fucking shite for the last few years e.g. I became disabled the same year I had DS, sister died and my father died at xmas a couple of years ago, of the same thing I have. DS may have it too. The only thing that has been keeping me going is being the best mum I can be and making everything as ok as I could for DS.

I've obviously failed completely.

Finola1step Sun 18-Dec-16 21:55:59

You haven't failed. You really haven't.

He has told you what has been going on. You know. And now that you know, you can take some action. But not now. Sleep on it. He is safe.

Could you make an appointment with your GP to discuss what help might be available e.g. family counselling.

cheekyfunkymonkey Sun 18-Dec-16 22:07:52

flowers So sorry op. How does a 6 year old even know what running away is? Are you sure the 'friend' isn't involved? Send like quite an adult concept for a child.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 18-Dec-16 22:11:42

Lots of books are about running away, people are always running away in books.

You didn't notice £300 go missing?!

I'm confused, the nanny is back but he still wants to run away?

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 18-Dec-16 22:17:09

No friend is back and would be absolutely horrified. I'm not sure how to tell him as he already knows DS adores him and has a very strong attachment to him in lieu of his father (they're both Arabic, hence the link in DS brain, nothing more). I found him via a very good agency and he comes every fortnight to add some male role model and general fun into DS life, so he's very responsible and thoughtful.

I'm not sure what to do to be honest. DS already has counselling at school but it's supposed to finish this coming week, and he's come on loads this school term so no ones worried about him anymore ... except me now massively.

It's been the thing I'm very worried about that he only has me and if I die he's completely on his own. It's always been him and me and I thought he adored me and I was his rock. I've expended a huge amount of effort disguising health stuff so he's not scared of losing me.

So this has come out of no where and I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. I don't know how to make it ok.

Confuseddragonfish Sun 18-Dec-16 22:18:39

You haven't failed.
I did a similar thing at your sons age after my mother died.

Have you looked at counselling, either family counselling or even through the school just for your son to help him with his own feelings and emotions.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 18-Dec-16 22:19:34

Sorry OP, if your ds sees the nanny why does he want to run away?

Confuseddragonfish Sun 18-Dec-16 22:20:37

Sorry cross posted.
I would go back to the school and inform them about what has happened.

toptoe Sun 18-Dec-16 22:22:01

Agree he needs to be able to express to you what his worries are without worrying about upsetting you. Counselling will be the best setting to do that in. He's dealing with his father's abandonment and possibly fears about your health and his future.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 18-Dec-16 22:26:07

I noticed £100 go and stupidly I thought I lost it somehow and was cursing myself. Then the rest must have been in bits and pieces since June as I have noticed and thought oh that Sainsbury's cost more than I thought etc.

I would have noticed it a lot sooner but over the summer I had a lot of cash to manage each week ( I had some agency carer cover where the agency bit is by transfer but individual people by cash or transfer as that person specifies which is in the agency contract (which I've never liked but have checked their self employment tax status and got invoices so have not continued to question it). Anyway, I think that's why I didn't pick up on it. Then in October I had some more bad health news and all focus has been on getting through the day and being normal for DS.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 18-Dec-16 22:28:30

Yes Dame that's scaring me alot at I don't understand it... trying to be sensible perhaps he got into a rut with this plan and it's been his hoard that continued after that actual need had gone? But emotionally I don't know and I think maybe I'm such a shot awfulmum that he wants to get away from me

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 18-Dec-16 22:29:06

Should I tell the school? I'm scared of doing the wrong thing.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 18-Dec-16 22:30:03

Definitely tell the school.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 18-Dec-16 22:47:22

They were awful last year and dismissed every attempt to get them to understand that DS really wasn't ok... he was having panic attacks and was terribly scared and unconfident. He was completely withdrawing into his shell and sadly the more upset he is the more inwards he goes andthe less trouble he causes ... basically becomes invisible.

Last year I was told he was fine at school (he wasn't), I was told loads of children have difficult lives and school don't differentiate, they should fit in, then I was told if things were that bad with him that it's beyond the schools remit and nothing to do with them etc etc etc.

I finally got some action at the end of the summer term and this year has been so much better. He's blossomed and has seemed to gain in confidence, self assurance and self esteem, has been engaging more etc.

But now I don't know what the fuck is happening... has it all been a lie?

I was the only one advocating for him, and the only one to recognise his inner turmoil and know when him being quiet isn't a healthy quiet but something very wrong.

How the hell didn't I see this? How the fucking hell did my child get so far away from me? Where was I in this? I knowhim, and the one thing I thought was his truth was how much he relies on me and needs me... I'm always there for him, never shout, never angry, never scary and always listening. Except that's obviously not true is it.

I did feel something was not right at the end of summer, I knew he was missing Xand I did everything I could to support him through that. And he did play 'going to NY' games, which I was fine with at first, even joined in with, because it was PLAYING. It did feel too intense after a while and I had a chat with him and I thought, headed off something that was becoming a bit unhealthy. And nothing from them raised any sense of unease.


MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 18-Dec-16 22:49:48

I asked him if he had mentioned any of this to 'the lady at school' and he screwed up his nose and said no. Mentioned, trying to be casual, that maybe he could if he wanted to, and he said they didn't talk about things like that... so I'm not sure what he has been talking about with her...

MiscellaneousAssortment Mon 19-Dec-16 22:32:51

Ok have calmed down a bit after having a bit of a howl last night blush

The penny has dropped about why he's angry with me, which is one of the most upsetting things for me on a person-level, if not on a mummy-level (!). He said he was angry because I was keeping X-friend away from him, which is completely illogical, and the opposite of err, reality. But it makes sense when I remember that there's an awful lot of channeling hurt about his father in this situation. And yes, I can totally 'get' that he might be feeling angry at me and wondering if I am keeping DS and his father apart. It's an awful lot easier to believe that than the terrible rejection he must feel from his father.

I don't know why it hadn't clicked before.

Anyway, told his teacher who said she'd share with the head and think about the best way to help him. I'm a bit nervous about that actually now I come to think about it...

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