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Bad parenting. Feel awful.

(22 Posts)
Mouthofmisery Fri 16-Dec-16 21:25:43

I have 2 dd ages 6 and 2. Am currently 40 weeks pregnant. Throughout pregnancy have found my temper and patience running short with both. Especially by end of the day. DH works away mon - fri. Tonight my dd2 was particularly clingy and I couldn't put her down to do anything. I ended up outing her in her high chair and she screamed blue murder for a while as I sorted dinner. Suddenly I saw red and started screaming at her to "shut the f£&@ up " and did this several times. I totally lost it.
My other dd heard and stayed quiet in the living room.
I have done this before. It's emotional abuse. I don't know what to do but feel like my children would be best off without me.
On the outside and 90% of the time I appear to be and probably am the almost perfect mother. I can't sustain it.
Any experiences of this? How did you stop? Why am I like this?

Bauble16 Fri 16-Dec-16 21:32:27

That's not abuse. It's not right and it's not good parenting but when haven't we all been at the end of our tether and lost the plot for a bit. I'd say if your 90 percent the perfect mother that's bloody brilliant.

I think you might be getting overwhelmed and then afterwards berating yourself like your some sort of monster. You have a lot to cope with by yourself it's no wonder you got overwhelmed. Can u put some steps into place for when these moments arise? Maybe put children safe and comfortable, walk away for a couple of minutes. Don't berate yourself for it either, parenthood is tough and every mother often reaches the end of her tether. So walking away whilst they are safe and remembering it gets to the best of us and dong expect perfection from yourself.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 16-Dec-16 21:33:01

OK. I sympathise. I have 3, aged 3 and under and it's hard going when you're pregnant. This is the worst bit, I find. It's much better with a newborn.

You've got insight though. You know you shouldn't have done this. So it's about trying to find coping strategies. If I feel overwhelmed, I get everyone secured in high chairs etc, put Topsy & fucking Tim on the TV and go into the loo for 5 minutes for a breather

Mouthofmisery Fri 16-Dec-16 21:35:52

I feel horrendous. I can't imagine anyone behaving like this. I am so shocked at myself and worried for the impact it has on my children. sad

PeggyMitchell123 Fri 16-Dec-16 21:38:39

I sympathise, I think a lot of mothers have all had moments similar to that. It's not great parenting but you are not some sort of monster. You have recognised you need to stop.

I find that when I can feel myself about to blow up, I place my son in front of the tv. I go into another room shut the door and just have two minutes to calm down and start again.

Believeitornot Fri 16-Dec-16 21:42:55

Well I think once is forgiveable

But you've done this a few times? Your oldest will remembersad

You need tactics. You're pregnant. And tired. If you can't put her down, pop the tv on or something?

When are your flash points?

I have been awful for shouting at my dcs and decided I had to stop. I'm much better than before after I started listening to an audio book called "calm parents happy kids". It has really helped. I can dip in and out and remind myself of the techniques.

An audio book worked better than reading because hearing means I can't skip bits.

Anyway, you should apologise to both dcs the next day. Especially the older one.

Also find techniques to distract the 2 year old. Tv -use it if you need to!!

And maybe get your DH to rethink his working pattern. Or can you get family to help?

MrsJayy Fri 16-Dec-16 21:49:07

Ok you have understood this wasn't your finest parenting moment(s) this is positive as you know it isnot right people who abuse their children often don't care how they are, you are stressed heavily pregnant and had the shittiest of days. You need to step away from them for a while stick earphones in walk to another room bathroom is great for this. I never took dc into the bathroom with me. on monday ring your HV ask them to refer you to a childrens centre or Homestart you need help to take the strain off, tomorrow get their dad to take them out of the house for the afternoon and take time out.

Mouthofmisery Fri 16-Dec-16 21:51:35

Thanks beleiveitornot I will look that up. Flash points are end of day. Trying to do evening routine which is same everyday. Everyone tired and hungry and trying to manage that is hard. I like the idea of an audiobook.

Mouthofmisery Fri 16-Dec-16 21:53:10

No family around unfortunately. We live miles away. Had homestart last year who were great but couldn't do times which helped me. Good ideas though. Thanks

MrsJayy Fri 16-Dec-16 21:56:35

Audio books are great for distraction at bedtime, speak to your gp about your stress and angry you can stop being shouty mummy .

holidaysaregreat Fri 16-Dec-16 21:56:44

Could you put youngest in nursery to get some rest? Or get a sort of mothers help for after school/tea time slot? Even if for a couple of hours a day.
It is not OK to do that - but at least you have acknowledged it & now you need to find a solution.
Your youngest is probably feeling anxious as you are due to have another baby & it makes them feel insecure. It might also be helpful to sort out a strict routine esp once the baby is there. Do you have any friends nearby who can step in if you are struggling?

stinkingbishop Fri 16-Dec-16 22:05:39

I used to go in the bathroom, turn the shower and radio on to drown out the noise I was going to make and then just go ARRRGGGGGHHHHH. Several times.

Going somewhere quiet and breathing slowly for 2/3 minutes. Breathe in blue, breathe out red. Try to get your breathing down to 12/minute. Really focus on the breathing.

But you need some respite, especially when the baby arrives. These are just sticking plasters for when the stress has built up. Could you afford anything? Maybe a mother's help for an hour every other day? A neighbour?

SharkSkinThing Fri 16-Dec-16 22:08:45

Oh love, cut yourself some slack. As others have said, today was today, it wasn't great, but you know what happened and you can try and catch yourself next time.

My DS is now 6 but didn't start sleeping until he was 5. He woke at 4.15am evey fucking day for 18 months, and was very hard work. If you search my name you'll find a thread about me not winning the battle with keeping my temper. Like you, I was exhausted and on my knees.

The best advice I had? Shut yourself in a room (so long as the kids are safe) and count backwards from 100 in tricky numbers. It really helped me calm down and the physical barrier of the door allowed me to cry/swear or scream.

It's one minute at a time some days, isn't it?

So yes - cut yourself some slack and take shortcuts if they help. In 6 months time it will all change again.

Good luck. flowers

MrsJayy Fri 16-Dec-16 22:12:24

I agree you really need some support childminder/nursery for toddler if you got in contact with homestart again you could sort out volunteer times.

MaisieDotes Fri 16-Dec-16 22:23:41

At that moment- just that moment of wanting to erupt with "FOR FUUUUUCKS SAKE WILL YOU SHUT UP" or whatever, put yourself in your DC's place and see yourself as they would see you.

When I do that I see my own mother. That stops me because I know no good can come of it. It doesn't relieve any stress, it just makes things worse for yourself and the DC.

Believeitornot Fri 16-Dec-16 22:26:23

If it's the end of the day then make sure you are fed and have had a sit down with the kids in front of the tv.

I used to mentally count down to when the kids were asleep and this made it worse because if things slipped, I got cross and put myself under pressure.

MrsJayy Fri 16-Dec-16 22:27:59

I have been there Op i think a lot of parents have its not pleasant for anybody

GoodStuffAnnie Fri 16-Dec-16 22:32:01

Be creative with the flashpoint. If it's the end of the day, make dinner at lunchtime, feed them at 4, flannel wash in front of to. You clean up and all done by 5. Snuggle on sofa with cuppa from 5 to 7. Bed. Baths at weekend.

Drop all clubs for next few weeks. Let go of all your ideals in your head of how things should be. Ditch bed time stories for example. Just have them on a Wednesday for example. Honestly they won't remember. Just do whatever it takes to be easy on you.

It will be easier when baby is here. Forgive yourself. Also, I second the poster above who said apologise to the kids tomorrow, even top the little one. My definition of a good parent is that I am humble and I am quick to admit mistakes. It's really nice as an adult or a child to have an apology. And you will find that they mimic you in time. Which is a really Gretna life lesson. We're all human, we all make mistakes.

holidaysaregreat Fri 16-Dec-16 23:09:31

Agree with apologizing. Explain in simple terms that you are tired out at the moment. Say you are soooo sorry and cuddles after.
Also good idea about doing things like main meal in middle of day. Daytime baths are also fun. Then the evening is literally change into PJs, milk, bed.
I find if I shout it ends up being counter productive as they get upset and then can't do what I wanted them to do.

reindeerbitesback Fri 16-Dec-16 23:22:17

You're 40 weeks pregnant, love, please cut yourself some slack! You're doing a fantastic job, occasionally yelling at your children isn't abuse. You don't have to be perfect all the time. Consistency is ideal, so try not to push yourself to be perfect all the time and you might find it a little easier.

If evenings are hard, perhaps you could find another time of the week (when your partner is around to help entertain the children) to meal prep/cook dinners that can just be whacked in the oven in the evening. That's what I have to do (DC 5, 5, 6, 7). Or any of the other useful things that have been mentioned upthread.

I have a really great app called headspace that I use sometimes if I need to calm down. If you can take 10 minutes to yourself while the kids are awake DO IT (if they'll be safe), it's just easy guided meditation but it really helps me. Or you could try it before bed so you aren't so stressed while you try to sleep.

Most importantly, forgive yourself and move on. There's nothing you can do now. Give your children a little extra love and care in the morning and it will all be forgotten.

LovingSummer Fri 16-Dec-16 23:55:38

Op, I could have written your op many times. Someone said to me a bad parent wouldn't feel bad, the fact we're distressed by it is a sign that we're good parents. It doesn't feel that way though, does it?

My two are constantly bickering and one of them always whining. I snap when I feel I am going to be late or can't do what is needed to be done. In short, when I'm under pressure because something is required of me and because of them I can't achieve it. I've really tried to reframe how I view it and sometimes I do well, others I don't. I'm really worried about how dc 6yrs old copes with it, and have seen signs of copying me which makes me feel worse. But I apologise and discuss it and we pull each other up on any short-temperedness.

I can't really offer more advice because I haven't reached the place I want to be, I still in the journey there. But I just wanted to stop by and let you know you're not alone flowers

Della1 Sat 17-Dec-16 08:04:18

Just before dinner is the worst time of day. They are tired, hungry,clingy etc. You've had a whole day of running around after two little people. Definitely make dinner time simple. Easy meals- jacket potatoes, pasta pesto and veg etc. You won't need to take ages preparing a meal, so won't feel under pressure if one of the children need you. Some nights I feed mine crackers/bread, cold meats, salad, fruit etc (bits and bobs dinner); they love it and it's easy for me.
It's all about survival. We have all lost our patience. Don't feel bad, just change some things to make your life simpler. I also flannel wash and into pjs after dinner if I've had a bad day. Keep things simple.

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