MIL keeps saying my baby is hungry!!(41 Posts)
And it's really pissing me off.
(Have name changed)
My 10 week old DD was born 4 weeks before my sis in laws DD and my DD has been constantly compared to her cousin ever since.
My DD is a fractious baby as she suffers from bad acid reflux, and also her temperament is such that if she's not happy about something she really yells about it! She's very vocal and can be grumpy a lot but also she can be adorably smiley and sits there cooing away.
Her cousin is the quietest baby I've ever met! I have never heard her cry, and she's slept through the night since week 2. She can be passed around the relatives for quiet cuddles. My DD writhes in people's arms and cries so they pull faces and hand her back to me
Her cousin is fully formula fed and my DD is combination fed.
Every time I see my mil and my DD has a crying fit (reflux related!) she will tell me that she is hungry and then text me later in the day to say I should take her to the docs as it's not normal, don't you think she's hungry? I think she needs feeding more, when u breastfeed her u don't know how much she's getting etc
It's driving me insane. I did get a bit sharp with her when she said it last and she stopped with the comments for a while, but after we saw them last week my DD had a meltdown whilst at their house (she honestly only ever does this at my MILs house!!) and when we got home I heard my husband on the phone to his mum saying 'no no mum she had plenty of food, she wasn't crying due to hunger'.....
I don't know what to do as I feel like I'm going to explode one day!! I'm spending Xmas with them and dreading it
Any tips / similar experiences shared?
Can't you just tell her the facts, ie how she is putting on weight well and the GP is really happy with her weight gain? And does she know enough about reflux? I'd give her the full facts about reflux, perhaps she has no idea how painful it is.
Perhaps your DH needs to say "I know you mean well mum but we have spoken to the Health Visitor and they are perfectly satisfied that DD is getting enough milk. They said it is totally normal for a 10 week old to cry lots, particularly if they have reflux, and that as she is breastfed on demand, she will take as much as she needs. We have done some internet research and spoken to friends and colleagues who have young children and we have heard similar from so many people!"
What Fuckity said - best your DH says something. If she keeps banging on about it spout stats about breast milk and how great it is for them.
Chances are when you start weaning your DH will eat anything as they get food flavours through breast milk and so if you can, say something about that too.
Or try just smiling and saying nothing, whilst agonisingly difficult, might be the best answer.
Rise above it - you are her mum and mum's know best!
Don't spend Christmas there seriously reflux babies and unsympathetic relatives don't mix mine had reflux and I went to my aunts house she spent ages putting dd in different positions till she found a suitable one (tiger in the tree) then showed me how to do it fast forward to ds and took him to the inlaws and it was all why is he crying? Give him to me (jiggle jiggle) he hates me why what have I done (drama fit) really I told them jiggling would make him worse but nanny knew best and mommy was left calming the kids while his father calmed his mother
I second really giving her the full low-down on how awful reflux is, and how rarely the poor babies who get it are content. Another issue you could mention is the need to stop reflux babies from comfort-feeding to soothe pain, and thus over-eating and putting on too much weight.
I would also say something like: 'you know, MIL, I totally get that you love DD and are concerned about her, but your persistent comments about not knowing if she has enough to eat are upsetting me. She is getting enough food, is growing along her centile, and the health visitor is happy with her progress. Hunger is only one of very many reasons a baby might cry, and it is not the reason DD is in distress. She is distressed because she is in pain from her reflux. It upsets me to think of her being in pain, and I would really appreciate it if you could stop commenting now, as it just upsets me further. '
I really feel for you OP. I've been there with my DD. We had silent reflux diagnosed at 2 weeks, that progressed to projectile vomiting and terrible colic. Despite lots of meds we only got the situation under control when she was diagnosed with suspected CMPI at 10 weeks. Her colic disappeared overnight once she was on the hypoallergenic formula and I was dairy-free (we mix-fed also), and her reflux calmed a lot too. Are you happy with the medical help you are getting?
"MIL, please stop saying DD is hungry. I know you are concerned about her, but we have had advice from the GP and HV, who say she is gaining weight as she should be. It's really difficult for me having a baby with reflux, and your comments are making me feel bad, which I'm sure is not your intention. She should get better by the time she is [however old] and until then, we just have to ride it out, I'm afraid."
That sounds tough and your MIL is not helping.
Is your baby putting on weight well? If yes tell get your MIL to butt out. If your lo on any medication, do you think they need some medication or more medication.
Once she's been told by DH, or even before, just say 'no, it's reflux'. Broken record technique, no, it's reflux every time she says anything. Do get GP to stay on the case. Different formula, gaviscon etc. all can help.
Thanks for all of your lovely advice.
I have told her over and over it's pain from reflux but she never seems satisfied. DD has put on weight and hvs are not concerned. The weight gain was slow to begin with but fine now and she is on 50th centile line.
I found out yday that my niece is only 5oz lighter than my DD who is 4 weeks older than her! So dreading the comments at Xmas, no doubt I haven't been feeding her enough....!
My DH knows I find it frustrating but thinks I'm being over sensitive and that his mother is only being well-meaning and concerned...it's hard to say anything too direct to her as I think she would get really upset. Our relationship is already a bit on the rocks as I do not want the baby near their dog (who they treat like a child and is v jealous and spoilt - the dog jumped up and put its whole mouth around my DDs leg when she was only 3 wks old, and constantly lunges and barks at her - and my mil is upset I don't want to visit as much because of dog or have dog at my house! God that's a whole other thread - sorry I digress)
DD has been on gaviscon which did nothing so has now been on ranitidine which has been amazing but started to not be as effective lately so have had the dose increased now.
We can't back out of staying there for Xmas - it would cause serious rows if I even suggested it! Dds cousin will be there and will be a little angel the whole time and poor DD will just be compared the whole time.
Really horrible when people take baby's crying personally. She is irritable because she's uncomfortable and in pain, not because she doesn't like anyone!!
Gosh, I am angry on your behalf. And your lovely DD's. At 50th centile she is not tiny, in any case. MIL really needs to stop the comparisons now, as if she continues with this as the children grow up it will be damaging for your DD.
And I can well appreciate your concerns about the dog if it's had it's mouth round her leg. Wtf! Christmas clearly won't be a relaxing time for you.
Re reflux, some babies need omeprazole/lansoprazole, rather than Ranitidine, though the Ranitidine dose does need regularly increasing in line with weight to remain effective. If despite meds a baby is still in pain it can be quite strongly suggestive of a food intolerance, most likely cow's milk protein (though other things in your diet could be setting her off also). I'm guessing at four weeks you will not yet have tried dairy-fee diet and formula, but maybe it's something to bear in mind.
it's hard to say anything too direct to her as I think she would get really upset
Why is her upset more important than yours?
MIL did this with DC1. She was convinced I was starving him because he was EBF on demand and she'd reared her kids in the era of 4-hour routines and formula top ups.
She got over it by the time DC2 was born.
I had a similar situation. Dd born a couple of months after sil baby. We both ebf but sil thought she was a breastfeeding expert so every time dd cried she'd give me 'advice' basically suggesting dd had a problem like reflux, tongue tie etc. Dd was actually pretty content when at home, it was just when we were with sil and Mil that she'd be very unsettled. I believe she was just picking up on my concerns of being scrutinised all the time (sil in particular use to watch me like a hawk waiting for an excuse to jump in and give me parenting advice).
I ended up really snapping at sil one day when she tried to give me advice about calming dd down and refusing to give her back to me after she took dd off DP when she was crying. There was some improvement after that but it slowly started up again.
If it's any consolidation, sil dd became a nightmare at 1, very grumpy, never sleeping and dd became the opposite, thriving on the attention and most importantly sleeping so I had the energy not to be drawn into the comparisons and criticism so much
But Sil is quite competitive about our children and it's depressive to think that this competition will last for many years (even though I have no desire to compete)
Rantadine worked for my DD but is based on weight so will need to be increased as she gets bigger. The strength of rantadine given can also be varied.
You can also try comfort milk.
Don't try comfort milk! It runs through them >bitter experience< if you do put trousers with cuffs on you will need them (I did)
Our relationship is already a bit on the rocks as I do not want the baby near their dog (who they treat like a child and is v jealous and spoilt - the dog jumped up and put its whole mouth around my DDs leg when she was only 3 wks old, and constantly lunges and barks at her
sorry lady, but you need to upset your MIL. This is -dangerous-.
The food issue - well she's just being stupid. There's a lot of info out there, things have move on at least 20 years since she was bringing up her kid(s) and possible 40 years.
But this dog thing is dangerous.
If the dog bites your very, very young baby, and it's only a hair away from it, this will have been an entirely preventable attack. Your husband's mother is a fool.
YOU need to protect your baby now. Even at the price of MIL's upset. The dog can't help it, it's threatened and very unhappy. But you can stop this. Any upset is your MIL's problem.
Reflux is farking horrendous.
My dd2 had terrible silent reflux and it was the worst thing ever watching her in pain. She was also a very irritable and upset baby and didn't like being passed about etc.
Switching to formula didn't help her and I often beat myself up because I worried she may have been better if I'd kept bf but she had a tongue tie which I now believe was he cause of her reflux.
Have you had her checked for tongue tie?
Mils love to stick their oar in and the favourite seems to be 'they're hungry'. You're her mummy and know her best so just ignore twatty comments and if needs be, tell her to button it over Xmas if she starts.
My mil is always obsessed with 'hurting their bones' by holding them too long 😳 She was always trying to put dd back in her car seat when we went to visit until I bluntly told her she was increasing her risk of SIDS by letting her sleep in the car seat for unnecessary lengths of time!
Tell your MIL to but out. Incidentally 10 week olds don't have "meltdowns" - must be one of the most over used phrases going
All babies are different.I had a baby who cried all the time,and another who was a lot more contented.it's different personalities it's down to,not hunger.your mil needs to hold her tongue!you are trying a lot harder than her dd by giving breastfeeding a go,it's harder by all means,but she should be encouraging you,not trying to put you off breastfeeding.
you're doing a great job and being a great mum.just let mils words brush off you like water off a ducks back.
The dog had it's jaws round the babies leg???
That is horrific and I wouldn't be going back there at all. It would only take a split second for the dog to hurt the baby and it doesn't sound like any effort is made to shut the dog in another room or keep it away from the baby.
With the dog thing I am extremely extremely cautious and on guard whenever we are around it. I never put DD down and I don't even sit down with her because the dog is allowed on sofas and to jump all over ppl. I cant relax when I'm there and that's probably why DD is always so unsettled when we visit - she probably picks up on my tension. The dogs never been trained but they think it 'wouldn't hurt a fly'. I am so cautious about the whole thing it has caused tension between me and mil - so I'm absolutely not putting my DD in danger. She would be in danger if I left her with her grandparents as they do not think the dog can do any wrong - and that is why they will never be allowed to babysit her.
I'm going to carry on with the ranitidine a while longer and if the bigger dose still not relieving all of the pain I will seek further treatment - thanks for all the tips, I hadn't realised there was anything else they could give them.
Is reflux something babies will grow out of? Roughly when did your little ones grow out of it? It really is the worst. They are never happy and always grumpy and in pain, and it's so hard when you have relatives who assume it's something you are doing wrong!
To the poster who said 'why is her upset more important than yours' - good question, it's not I suppose, but my DH is very close to his mother and if I upset her it would cause a lot of trouble between me and him and tbh I just don't have the energy for a big drama!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.