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Am I over reacting to MIL comments? Advice please........

(41 Posts)
becaroo Sun 18-Feb-07 09:56:44

My dh and I have just decided to try for another baby. We werent going to, but had a scare last month and were so disappointed when my period finally came that I think it made us both realise that we wanted another. My PIL were round for tea on thursday evening and my dh said something (dont know exactly, I wasnt listening) to the effect that we wanted another and my MILs face just fell. She said "youre kidding!" and looked quite disgusted. I was a bit taken aback by this, and jokingly told her that my sister would be first as she is already trying for another and she said in a really nasty voice "well, borrow that one then". Because I didnt reply she said it twice more, getting louder each time to make sure I heard her. I am under no illusion about my abilities as a parent...I am not the greatest mum in the world but I do my best. We had a really tough first year with ds and it wasnt easy due to his health problems and my PND, but I am not stupid. I know it wont be easy. Am trying to figure out why she is so against the idea...Is it because she feels she will be asked to help out too much? My SIL is going trough a divorce right now and has told me on more than one occasion that I am the one that will suffer for it! Starting to think she is right. Quite annoyed at myself for getting so upset about this. My confidence is not exactly sky high and this reaction has not helped. Any thoughts?....

DetentionGrrrl Sun 18-Feb-07 10:14:13

she sounds like an old witch to be honest. did your DP say anything?

colditz Sun 18-Feb-07 10:15:41

Why do you think she made the comment? do you ask her to help a lot? Is she the sort of person that usually enjoys being spiteful?

scorpio1 Sun 18-Feb-07 10:16:12

I've had this too.my PIL keep saying that my dp should tie a knot in his ,so we havent told them this time that we are ttc because,like you,it knocked my confidence.

Please don't pay attention to the old bag

Some of us do have a rough time in the beginning,but that does not mean you are a rubbish parent or that you shouldn't have anymore.

if its what you and dp want,then do it and be happy.Because at the end of the day,its your life, your body,your baby and you that takes care of the baby.

I think some people have too many opinions of others lives.have fun and good luck

colditz Sun 18-Feb-07 10:16:16

Oh and just so you know, PND doesn't always come back.

jampot Sun 18-Feb-07 10:17:44

whats it got to do with her? Its between you and dh surely. Ignore her and get on with it good luck

colditz Sun 18-Feb-07 10:20:00

BTW my dad's comment upon me getting pregnant with ds2 was "Well, you do know you'll never have any money don't you? Why do you do such stupid things, girl, why? Are you going for the operation afterwards?"

Er, no dad, because I'm 25, and the NHS (rightly) doesn't sterilise healthy 25 year old women just because their fathers want them to

lulumama Sun 18-Feb-07 10:20:15

Becaroo

i had severe PND after my first, then no problem at all after DD..because we were all aware of what to look out for, my PND was triggered by the birth, and i spent my time preparing and educating myself to have a better birth experience..i went to the Docs, with DH, as soon as i found out i was pregnant and asked for assurances that they would monitor me carefully ..which they did ! and all was well .
get your safety nets in place before the baby arrives, and it is likely that even if you do have PND again, it will be nipped in the bud

she sounds like an insensitive and ignorant woman, she has no right to dictate how many children you have...she could help you out if you have a hard time, or is that too much to ask ??

batters Sun 18-Feb-07 10:23:33

oh dear.

I'd steer well away from mentioning any of your plans to her tbh.

moondog Sun 18-Feb-07 10:27:35

The lesson is never tell anyone that you are 'trying for a baby'
(which is such a hideous expression anyway).

becaroo Sun 18-Feb-07 10:48:50

Good news about the PND. I had heard that if you have it once it means you always get it again (and worse sometimes) Colditz... My dh didnt say anything..he never does. Although, later on whyen I told him how upset I was, he did say "well, its our business, not hers" which made me feel a bit better. Just thought she would be pleased to have another grandchild I suppose. Both PIL and my parents were great when ds was little..had a very tough first year, but that doesnt mean it will be the same again, does it? (Moondog...I agreee it is an awful expression...perhaps I should just say we are having loads of rumpy pumpy and hoping for the best???)

PetitFilou1 Sun 18-Feb-07 14:34:33

Just want to say your MIL's comments made me and just try your best to ignore her/tell her as little as possible if she's going to be an old bag about it. My darling MIL has a habit of saying 'I know I shouldn't give you my opinion but.......' I just grit my teeth and smile. Btw, I had PND with ds but didn't have it with dd and I had an 18 1/2 month gap which was hard (still is but now she is nearly 18 months it is much easier) I still have 'issues' but always have been neurotic anyway so becoming a mother just made it worse! Having a second felt like having the chance to feel things as I should have felt them the first time round, there is no way I would have missed it. And.....remember no-one is a perfect parent, particularly her by the sounds of it!

Caligula Sun 18-Feb-07 14:46:06

Frankly she sounds like a cunt.

Apologies for any offence that word may cause to any delicate flowers, but I can't think of a more appropriate way of putting it.

hoolagirl Sun 18-Feb-07 16:39:33

Just say how you feel Caligula

chipmonkey Sun 18-Feb-07 17:24:03

Agree with Caligula!

eemie Sun 18-Feb-07 17:24:25

I'll stick to my usual MIL advice and just say ignore her, or failing that, kill her.

You know it makes sense.

becaroo Sun 18-Feb-07 17:25:17

Well, at least from your posts it seems I am not overreacting!! Am so upset though...not sure what I have ever done to deserve that. (Apart from never stand up for myself and do whatever my dh family want, of course!) She is away for the weekend at the moment and comes back tomorrow...does anyone think I should say something? Or best to keep quiet?

becaroo Sun 18-Feb-07 17:25:49

eemie...

Booboobedoo Sun 18-Feb-07 17:40:03

Becaroo: I stood up to my MIL today and it felt fantastic.

I told her on the phone that we'd decided to try for a homebirth (I'm 38 weeks), and she started to tell me that I should go to hospital because when my DH was born the cord was around his neck and he nearly died.

I interrupted her and firmly told her that I did not want to hear stories like that at the moment, and that the decision had already been taken.

She was a bit surprised: I think she thought I was asking her permission to have my baby where I want to!

I'm used to MIL being like this, though, so am able to steel myself.

Why don't you say to DH that you'd like this to be addressed, and see what he thinks?

PetitFilou1 Sun 18-Feb-07 19:37:34

Becaroo Difficult to say what you should do without knowing more but.... if you're brave enough sit down with her and ask her outright why she has difficulty with you having a second baby. I find this approach works as when you don't fanny about with people it is usually such a surprise to them you end up having an honest and useful conversation. Tell her upfront how upset she has made you. I have done this with my own mother and it has improved things in the past. It is either that or just forget about it, any half measures won't help. Good luck with her, she sounds like a joy

ponylove Sun 18-Feb-07 19:45:22

Another way of looking at it is could she just be scared of seeing you going through pnd again? I had depressed boyfriend once and I found it really tore me up not being able to make it better. Some people aren't very good at vocalising that kind of thing.

emjhill Sun 18-Feb-07 19:47:55

Mine was the same becaroo we told her on xmas day that we were expecting number 3 after trying for 4 months and her way was "oh your having another one?, WHY?? you have 2 already, and we live in england your in spain we would never see it anyway so it wouldnt really make much difference to us!!"

this form the woman who when we told her we were expecting ds1 was "i dont want to be grandma, nanna, nanny etc ill be * close friend of the family!!!"

MIL all need shooting in my opion!!

ignore her and have fun trying hun!!!

SherlockLGJ Sun 18-Feb-07 19:53:12

Ignore her.

BUT you may as well have said to her, we are having sex and we are hoping for a result.


Tell no bugger nothing, until you have something to tell them.


Hope this is not too harsh.

nikkie Sun 18-Feb-07 19:57:46

I didn't have PND 2nd time round, despite splitting for xh 2 weeks before dd2 was born.I was given meds straight away at the hospital which were to counteract it ? but tbh I don't know what they were

WinkyWinkola Sun 18-Feb-07 20:07:46

Yes, she sounds very insensitive but by telling her, you were kind of asking for an opinion.

I say nothing until I'm 3 months gone. That way everyone gets the message that it is me that's made a decision and that it doesn't involve them seeing as it's my body and my family.

Good luck and ignore the old moo.

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