Grandparents Guilt trip over Christmas plans(28 Posts)
Just would like peoples opinions really - my husband and I will be visiting his family over the Christmas period, our son will be 8 months old when we go, we plan to stay 2 nights to see his family, coming back home on Christmas eve - my mum has made me feel awful about taking our son away (we've not been away since he's been born, and he's never stayed a night anywhere other than at home) - it's not that we won't see my mum and dad over the Christmas period - their issue is taking our son away to a strange place for two nights, she says "he won't settle", "he won't be able to sleep", "you'll feel dreadful as you won't get any sleep", "it'll ruin his routine", "you'll feel really tired over Christmas because he'll be so unsettled in a strange house", "why don't you just go for one night" - what ever I say back to her, she comes back with a reply to counteract what I've said, then she says"don't listen to me, I've only got your best interests at heart" - She makes me feel dreadful, and that if I don't take on board what she says it creates an atmosphere between us - I wouldn't mind, but I'm 42, not 16 - Why do mothers still make you feel like you are still a little girl, unable to make good and bad decisions for yourself?
Would just like peoples opinions on this really, do your parents make you feel guilty about what you should and shouldn't do?
Your mother should keep her irrational feelings to herself!
Is she jealous that your son will be spending time with his other grandparents? She is being ridiculous.
It makes no sense at all. Like so much with other people's views on parenting, you need to find a way to ignore it.
Depending on what your mother is like this could range from the smile, nod and change the subject approach to telling her very bluntly that going away for 2 nights is a very normal thing to do and she needs to give her head a wobble.
That's what I think too - but does she have a point? Will he be un-settled in a strange place, in a strange house - there will be about 6 other family members there, plus me and my husband - she's got me worried now, will it all be too much for him??
Just ignore her. It's not like you're radically changing timezones. We used to go to my mils to dog-sit when DC1 was a baby, never had a problem re routine. To be honest it's only 2 nights so even if things are a little different it'll be easy enough to re-establish it once you're home.
My mother tries to give me parenting advice, I don't listen. She walked out on my Ddad before I turned 4 & only had me in school hols until I said I didn't want to go anymore at 13.
She's jealous that you're taking him there, op.
She is being really unreasonable.
She has no idea how your DS will be. Chances are he will be just fine because you and your DH will be there.
She does sound jealous and is inventing imaginary scenarios.
"Mum, I am DSs mother and I think I know him better than you"
She can't argue with that one!
Ignore and enjoy your visit, and don't tell your mother if he has you up all night.
Just ignore her.
I know how horrible this ridiculousness can be. My mother and mil make jibes about eachother constantly. Especially in scenarios like this. It's hard, but try to put it aside with a shrug.
He will be more unsettled if you are stressed by your mother!
When DS was a baby we lived in Bulgaria and my family were in Ireland and friends and other family were n uk. We travelled regularly with him and when he was 9 months we went to Vietnam and Thailand! Lots of people travel with babies. Some cope really well some don't. You won't know till you try but I would think he will be fine. Try and stick to he normal bedtime routine as much as you can and I'm sure it will be fine.
It's important your DS sees your DH's family as much as yours.
Oh yes, you could point out that babies routines always get stuffed up with all the Christmas excitement and changes anyway.
But is suspect that facts are not what she needs here. Honestly, the sooner you stand up for yourself the better.
By 8 months our DC had had several weekends away, and a week's skiing holiday abroad and a summer holiday. Yes, there were unsettled nights, just the same as at home.
IMO Your mother is being a bit of a bully here and it's way passed time you stopped responding to her nonsense. Does she dislike your ILs? Or feel threatened by them?
By 8 months our DD had been to visit both sets of grandparents. One in Ireland and one in Spain. No problems with sleeping. There is usually that much going on that they are shattered by bedtime.
It's surprising how quickly they adjust. Plus it's only two nights. There can be a lot more disturbed sleep when teething etc
Go and have fun.
Thanks everybody - you're writing down exactly what my thoughts are - my mum is so important to me, I just hate upsetting her - she just worries about me all the time (which is nice) - I guess I'll just have to stand up to her and tell her a few white lies if he is un-settled just so I don't get the whole "I told you so" speech when we get back.
Hugs to you all xxxx
I bet she wouldn't say that if you were stopping at hers...
Just ignore your mum on this one. I took my twins away overnight from a few weeks old, just go with the flow with regard to their routine.
My DD took dgc away in the caravan from being very small, we had a week at guide camp when dgd was 11 months. It will be fine, just let them sleep and feed at the normal time.
Your mum sounds as if she is a bit jealous and is perhaps also struggling with the idea that you are now also a mum
and an adult so she should back off.
I have a very intensive hobby which involves sleeping in a tent at weekends for half the year. Dd comes with us- first time was when she was 6 months old. She has never been unsettled with being somewhere else; usually sleeps much better in the tent than at home! Your DS will probably really enjoy the extra fussing and attention.
I agree with PP- it sounds like your mum.is jealous of time spent with your ILs.
If he happens to be a little unsettled just don't tell her when you get back and avoid the "I told you so" comment. My DD sleeps quite well when we go away. Think she likes being in the room with us sometimes, and a couple of later nights haven't thrown her routine too much.
We live in the US and have traveled back to the UK to see family twice so far with DS, when he was 5 months and when he was 13 months. He was totally fine, took a few days to adjust to the 6 hour time difference! Traveled about loads once there too and no problems, you just have to be flexible.
Stick to the normal routine as much as is practical but don't drive yourself crazy over it. Yes he might be unsettled, you don't know, but are you never going to go anywear until he turns 18? Ignore your mum
Thanks everybody - I guess I just need to grow a pair and do what I feel's best without feeling guilty about what my mum says - she has always been good at emotional guilt stuff - I don't think she's jealous about us seeing the in-laws as we've only seen them once since lo was born, where as I see my mum and dad on a weekly basis - she is just over protective and worries about me all the time. I'm actually looking forward to the break, and to show off our little boy to the rest of the family.
I would tell your Mum something more along the lines of "Whether DS gets unsettled or not DH family hardly ever get to see him so it's a small sacrifice to pay"
Your Mum needs to wind her neck in and stop being possessive over YOUR son!
our son will be 8 months old when we go, we plan to stay 2 nights to see his family, coming back home on Christmas eve
2 nights away - she is being ridiculous.
Say 'yes mum you are right, so we thought we'd stay a full week so that he can enjoy his other grandparents after he has settled in there. Thanks for the idea'.
Some kids do get unsettled but the only way to get them over it is to do things like this more often! My ds 2 stayed in a hotel at 4 weeks and went to a wedding, had slept at both grandparents houses, a caravan, a cousins house, all by 8 weeks. Babies are quite adaptable. He will have fun and get cuddles with people who love him. If he gets grouchy then an hour in a dark quiet room with you will soon sort him out. Your mum is being overprotective.
Agree this is more about your mum than your baby. I would go for the two nights. We used to stay anywhere with our eldest at that age. If you have a travel cot, a night or two in that at home first to get used to it might be useful. Really, I bet he will love the family atmosphere and hope you have a great break.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.