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After a separation, how should a new bf be introduced to the kid

(8 Posts)
user1480083615 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:27:49

Hi.. So I am a male, recently gone through a split with my now ex. She started dating a new guy approximately 3 months ago and not only has she already introduced my son to this guy, but they are having regular sleep overs. My son is 4 and whilst my access has been reduced to 4 days a month, the ex and her new bf have unlimited access. Is this right? Female opinion appreciated. Would really like to know if I am over reacting but I think it is disgusting behavior.

SpeakNoWords Fri 25-Nov-16 14:52:21

My opinion (not sure why a female opinion might be different to a male opinion?), is that 3 months is probably far too soon to be introducing a new boyfriend to children, and for him to be staying overnight regularly.

However, it is up to your ex girlfriend to decide for herself. The fact you don't like it is unfortunately not relevant. Also, how much access you have to your son is not relevant to whether or not your ex should introduce her boyfriend to your son. They are separate issues and you shouldn't try and connect the two together.

If you think more than 4 days a month with you would be better for your son, then ask for that and see if you can arrange that with your ex. You could also express your concern over the boyfriend being in your son's life so much, but you will have to be very calm and careful how you raise this. It would be best to keep it totally separate from any conversations about how much you see your son. You could tell her that you're concerned about any negative impact on your son if your ex splits up with this boyfriend. You could also ask her how well she knows him and his background, seeing as he is going to be around your son so frequently.

complexkane Fri 25-Nov-16 15:02:56

SpeakNoWords - To address your response; She is a female and obviously thinks it is absolutely fine where as I think it is far from fine. So, I posted on here to get more female opinions in case maybe you all think the same. Apparently not as you seem to agree with me. Also, how is my opinion on it irelevant? That word strikes a chord with me because she used it several times in her emails when referring to me. I am the father and have the exact same responsibilities to the child as she does so we are on an equal legal standing. I think it is totally irresponsible for her to do this. However, I do know that she has known this guy for several months, not just the 3 that she has been seeing him so she probably feels it is OK to expose him. But I could say what she thinks is irrelevant! It is the child that has rights, to equal access to both parents. I have tried to express my concerns to which she responded in an email which the new guy wrote for her!! Just beggars belief. You think you know someone but you never truly do. Her true colors have been shown and I think many women take advantage of the system in order to do the same. However, thank you for your opinion.

Heirhelp Fri 25-Nov-16 15:39:41

When she is looking after your son then it is up to her what she does. When to introduce a new partner is up her. People have different opinion as to when it is appropriate. In my opinion it is too soon.

If you want to see your soon more than ask for that if she does not allow it then go to court to increase access.

LittleBee23 Fri 25-Nov-16 17:58:56

I would say it's too soon in my opinion. I would have thought she should have discussed that with you first before making the decision as you are both his parents.
Yes it's up to her what she does but if you're both working in the best interests of your son, then, in my opinion, she's being a bit selfish as she's not considering the impact of someone new in your son's life at this stage.

SpeakNoWords Sat 26-Nov-16 12:49:52

"maybe you all think the same. " nope, women are people too, and all have their own individual opinions just like men.

You have equal parental responsibility, absolutely. But that doesn't mean that one parent has the right to dictate what the other does. When your DS is in your ex's care then she is responsible for what happens. As long as she isn't putting your DS at risk then she can choose to do what she wants. You may not like it, but that's a different issue. When your DS is with you, you get to decide what happens and your ex doesn't get to dictate what you do.

"It is the child that has rights, to equal access to both parents." This is a different issue, separate to the issue of whether the new boyfriend is around or not. I don't think that this is the right way of thinking about access. Certainly I can think of several situations where parents should definitely not be allowed access to their child. A child has the right to a relationship with both parents where that's in their best interests. If you want more time with your son, then make that request and see if you can arrange it. But don't bring the new boyfriend into that discussion, because it's nothing to do with your relationship with your son. I'm curious as to why you agreed to 4 days a month in the first place?!

SpeakNoWords Sat 26-Nov-16 12:56:19

*there shouldn't be a "?!" at the end there, it should just be a "?", sorry it's a shocker of a typo.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Sat 26-Nov-16 13:19:16

I think these are two very separate issues. There's no reason why 4 days a month should be all you are allowed, unless there is something you're not sharing. Your DS has a right to spend equal time with both of you, as long as that is not disruptive to his sleep/education etc. so I would start with that if I were you.

Regarding the new partner, on MN there seems to be a big divide between those saying new partners shouldn't be introduced until the relationship is solid and long-lasting and those who believe that the dynamics are so drastically changed once DCs are involved that it is useful to see how things work before becoming too deeply involved.

For a lot of blended families it is not until they actually move in together that the cracks are revealed, so however long they wait, they won't know that this is 'forever' until they all try living together.

My DCs met my DP after a few weeks and it became apparent that they all got on really well, however after a couple of years we had some big issues and now after 4 years we still don't live together. I imagine that the emotional upheaval of us splitting up would be much bigger now than at the start, so I don't really understand what people are protecting their DCs from by not introducing them sooner. Relationships can fail at any point and if it's someone the DCs have become attached to, it doesn't matter if they met after 2 weeks or 2 years.

As for new man's suitability to be around DCs, you would be falling into the trap that women are often accused of - presuming all men are potential child molesters - if you made a fuss about this. Perhaps presume the best of him, ask if you can meet him to suss him out and make sure your DS feels free to talk to you about what goes on at his mum's (without you prying!)

Just because you don't want to be with your ex any more, it doesn't mean that this new man has something wrong with him to want to be with her. He is probably a nice guy and hopefully he can be someone your DS looks up to. He won't ever be his dad, but no reason why your DS can't have other male role models in his life. I was really pleased when my ex got a new GF, who was someone my DCs really liked.

Unfortunately they have since split and he has met someone else, who may also be on the way out confused but it's his right to introduce them to whoever he has round. He introduces them to various non-romantic friends too, so it's not unusual for them to meet new people who may or may not be around a lot.

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