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Should I chill out?

(9 Posts)
ellash Sat 19-Nov-16 13:11:21

I'll apologise ahead for this essay - but a lot of things have been building up!

I can be bossy, quite particular and if I'm honest I do like things my way sometimes. But who doesn't?
But I don't feel like the support I'm offered sometimes from my OH is too great.

I am a mum to a 9 w/o boy, but I find my partner doing things that really annoy me with him & if I'm honest - his family too.

I understand all the cuddles at the beginning (even if I had a bit of a problem giving up my baby to everyone for cuddles at that point!) but nobody seems to let him sleep. From 5:30am - 10am today he was awake and then he drifted off, he was down in his Moses basket then when I went upstairs to get ready, my OH picked him up and got him changed into an outfit for the day & wasn't bothered with waking him.

My OH is back at work & I do all the night feeds and everything during the day. Making sure he also has dinner when he's home and his clothes are clean because he wouldn't even think twice about putting a load in. But when he gets home, whether baby is asleep or not, he will spend hours just sitting and cuddling rather than any offer to really help. It's so tiring! And all he says is "you're getting paid for this time off"

His dad as well - he's not well, he's very frail and can barely walk or pick up baby without shaking and wants to babysit or come and get him and take him out for the day. I don't feel comfortable with this. OH doesn't either with the babysitting but he says I have to tell him why and I think it's his responsibility as his son. His dad says he feels left out and I think this is because my mum has babysat a few times, but if I'm honest that's because she's my MUM and she's a lot younger and more capable. I can't tell him that though.

Today - he started making small jokes to the baby saying "bad mummy won't let me do this" and I know he's joking, but I told my OH I don't like it because I don't want my son to grow up hearing things like that and I also don't feel like anyone should ever joke about someone being a bad mum. When I know full well I'm bloody great with him & would only ever see him happy and healthy. My OH said I'm being stupid.

OH's dad also then tried to carry him in his car seat outside up a few steep stairs to our car after I repeatedly asked him not to as he's not stable on his feet and I was given a huff and some glares in response!

I don't quite know what I'm getting at if I'm honest, but I don't know if I need to chill out a bit...
All of this happened this morning too. I won't go into previous...

AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave Sat 19-Nov-16 13:39:43

As gently as possible, yes YAB a bit U as far as DH cuddling DS goes. It's lovely that he wants to come home from work and spend hours cuddling DS - you could use that time to sleep, have a long hot bath, read or just chill out, get a bit of you-time! Or do you think he genuinely doesn't realise this bugs you - have you tried asking him whether he could put a wash on/wash up/cook dinner etc? He might well think he's giving you a break from cuddling DS and doing you a favour.

I speak as someone whose DH took one day off work when each of my DC were born, then didn't really want much at all to do with them when he got home from work (he is great with them now, he just isn't madly keen on newborns as in his words they don't do much!)

That said, you're 9wks postpartum and therefore you're allowed to be as U as you like, about anything. Your hormones are all over, you're sleep deprived, you feel like you're meeting yourself coming backwards and your body is still recovering from a massive trauma.

Re the FiL issue - your DH should be sticking up for you here. If you don't feel comfortable leaving DS in his care, nobody can force you to.

passingthrough1 Sat 19-Nov-16 17:43:44

It's a hard one.. when my partner came home from work he'd try to be helpful by making dinner or putting a wash on or cleaning the kitchen and I actually told him to stop doing those things .. for once in my life I wanted to do the cooking and cleaning because I'd been holding DS all day (screamed when you'd put him down) and I wanted him to do the cuddling for a bit and let me do the ironing! I also think it's important for your baby's dad to go a fair bit of cuddling all day as you spend all day with the baby but he needs to know and feel comfortable with both. I'd just take the time TBH.. have a bath or take a catnap and then do some of the jobs and make the most of being able to do them with earphones on or doing without listening out for a cry etc ..!

Coconut0il Sat 19-Nov-16 23:03:22

Agree with both the previous posters, decide what is the most helpful thing for your DP to do. My DS2 wouldn't be put down at all during the first few months. I couldn't wait for DP to come in and hold him so I could have a bath or just some time to myself. Other times I would hold DS while DP made the dinner, just tell him.

Your FIL sounds a bit of a pain though. Just keep saying no if he offers to babysit, your baby is only 9 weeks old. Totally up to you who you feel comfortable leaving him with. DS2 is 15 months now and he's never been left with the in laws. Don't know if I could hold my tongue at the comments, sounds passive aggressive.

passingthrough1 Sun 20-Nov-16 06:18:32

Oh and you have my sympathies re: FIL. I've used breastfeeding as an excuse why I can't leave mine with anyone. It's funny I think how people do pressure you to leave the baby with them - why I'm sure they wouldn't actually enjoy an afternoon of changing nappies and listening to hours of that over tired (sleep then!!!!!) they just want the nice bits.
I think if I were you I'd go down the "we aren't leaving the baby with anyone" route. Tell your FIL that your mum was a one off when you were exhausted at the start but that you won't even be doing that again (even if it's not true). It sounds like he does need supervising when he's got the baby.

Gillian1980 Sun 20-Nov-16 13:52:46

Several issues going on. You may need to work on one at a time or ick your battles a bit for now.

I think it's fair enough for dh to want cuddles with baby when he's been at work all day. But it's also frustrating if you've just got the baby to sleep to have him woken again!
Can you say to dh "ds would love a cuddle after his nap" ?
Have you explained exactly why it's frustrating so he doesn't just think
You're being bossy?

Regarding your fil I do think
Your dh needs to speak to him. My dad is frail and I gently told him that I didn't feel comfortable him picking up my dd or babysitting. He still has plenty of cuddles but only sat on sofa with cushions to support. I think it did hurt a bit to be told but he does understand and respects what I said.
My in laws though are much younger and fine to lift, cuddle and babysit.

Regarding being told by dh that you're being paid for "time off"... that needs to be nipped in the bud asap! Yes you are being paid to be on maternity leave but it is far from having time off - it's completely exhausting!! He needs to appreciate how much you do every day or he'll take it for granted and you'll feel resentful.

Gillian1980 Sun 20-Nov-16 13:57:53

Oh and I was like another poster - I was desperate to go and do the cooking, laundry etc when dh got home. I wanted a break from the baby and to do something else and I enjoy cooking etc.
Dh started to understand that I wasn't ungrateful when I told him not to cook but saw that I saw me doing it as a break for myself!

So talk to him about what you would find helpful, what he wants to happen and find an agreement or compromise.

ellash Mon 21-Nov-16 10:52:37

Thank you. Each of you has offered some decent advice.
I've no problem with my partner coming home for cuddles and I enjoy the housework but sometimes lacking so much sleep I just need help with both (he's very messy and bad at picking up after himself so by making him help a little, makes him stop these habits and he starts to realise things don't clean up themselves) so I will definitely just ask him for some assistance whilst DS is sleeping.

I'll try to be more positive about FiL but still firm. I've asked him to look at it from my perspective but because he won't speak to his dad about it, I'm fed up and getting quite annoyed with his dad for keeping on about it and it's putting barriers up because before DS we got on great!

I'll keep my fingers crossed for some improvement and hopefully I'll feel a bit more relaxed soon rather than like my head is going to explode! Thank you xxxx

bittapitta Mon 21-Nov-16 10:56:22

WTF at "you're being paid for this time off"! Ask him gently to explain which bit is time off?! My DH would never say this. A 9wo does not need it's outfit changed unless it's dirty. Never wake a sleeping baby!

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