4yo shouting and hitting

(5 Posts)
flipflopson5thavenue Sun 13-Nov-16 19:17:02

My 4.4yo DS1 hits DP and I whenever he's annoyed or cross usually when we've told him off or taken something away from him as a consequence. E.g. He throws a hard toy at his brother, I take the toy away or turn the TV off, DS1 then gets stroppy and shouty and starts slapping and hitting me.

Also if I remotely raise my voice or tell him off he gets really cross and starts shouting and really screeching back at me.

I'm sure this is all within the realms of normal but I don't know what to do. We've never used a naughty step or time out and have tried to use immediate consequences such as removing a toy or whatever but I feel we need something else.

I try to stay calm and I know he's pushing boundaries and all that. But God he's annoying!!! sad He started school in sept and is very tired a lot of the time and no doubt adjusting to that too.

Tips and suggestions? What works for you and your stroppy shouty rude 4yo...?

ThatsNotMyToddler Sun 13-Nov-16 19:28:17

Oh my. Lots of sympathy as we have this too. He never did the terrible twos and is generally very gentle and compliant, so this is something of a shock!

We explain that it's fine to be angry but not okay to hit. We ask him to use his words to say how he's feeling (usually "I'm really really cross" - quite funny in a way). We do punish him if he hits because I'm worried he'll do it to other children or his little brother (it's just been me and DH so far). Usually we sit him down and make him count to a random number, so time out of sorts (for him and us I guess).

I did read an article on aha parenting that said we shouldn't punish in this situation but should instead gently restrain the child while calmly saying 'I'm holding you because it's my job to keep us all safe. You can't hurt me now' or similar. Haven't tried it though.

And we grit our teeth and mutter "I'm sure this is a phase" at each other, repeatedly...

ThatsNotMyToddler Sun 13-Nov-16 19:29:32

Here it is:
www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-stop-4-year-old-from-hitting-mom

flipflopson5thavenue Sun 13-Nov-16 19:38:30

Glad to know weren't not alone! I say it's ok to be cross but it's not ok to hit and I also threaten to remove bedtime books or something (usually first thing that pops into my head!) as soon as I see him raise his arm and often he'll stop. I also try to ignore him and move away and try to distract with something but I also think that hitting/kicking/biting is a non-negotiable so I feel it does need a consequences or punishment.

Ive read about that restraining thing. I can imagine that when you're cross and frustrated and wanting to lash out, someone holding you still would make you even more furious!!

I know I need to get better at staying calm and deal with the emotions not the behavoir and I know that when he hears me raise my voice then he'll just copy me but I'm finding it so challenging at the moment. I feel I need a plan or "method" to try to help me deal with him.

Also he and DS2 (just 2yo) bicker and annoying each other constantly and DS2 is in a "no! Mine!" snatchy and hitty phase so that doesn't help.

ThatsNotMyToddler Sun 13-Nov-16 21:34:00

I know. It's really hard. I wasn't totally convinced by the restraining thing either.

Also we seem to have spent ages saying it's because we've got a new baby (now 10 months) or he's tired (up by 5.30 most days) or he's just started preschool etc etc. I'm sure it's just because he's 4 and greater independence (and therefore greater vulnerability) beckons, but sometimes I'm really worried we've created a monster.

So although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is nice to know we're not alone either. Hopefully our lovely children will reappear before long.

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