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I desperately want a baby but my boyfriend doesn't.

(13 Posts)
AlrightMum Sun 06-Nov-16 14:16:12

I have an eleven-year-old who I have raised as a totally single parent from birth. Two years ago, I met a lovely man who is a wonderful stepfather figure to my son. Recently, I have got an overwhelming urge to have another baby. I'd love my son to have a brother or a sister and also to experience the joy and wonder of parenthood with the man I love. He is just not interested in having kids though. This is especially frustrating when he shows so much kindness, nurturing and appreciation towards / of my son. He says kids are cute and he's sure that having your own is a great experience but it just doesn't appeal to him. I am sad for him, because although it sounds condescending, I think it is really upsetting that he might never get to experience parenthood when he would be so good at it and I know he would love it. I have considered ending the relationship, but I love him so much (as does my son) and there's no guarantee I'll even meet someone who I want to have a child with, let alone go on to conceive if I do. I think I just have to be grateful for my boyfriend and my son and try to get over this, but the broodiness is all-consuming: I dream about babies, I ache with it when I am around friends' babies (of which there are many) and the other day, when I heard a very young baby crying, I felt a tingling in my nipples like I needed to breastfeed. Parenting my son is the best thing I have ever done and the thought that I will never experience that again makes me feel very sad. I don't know why I am writing this here, probably just in an attempt to make myself feel a bit better. Anyone else facing / faced a similar scenario?

SmellySphinx Sun 06-Nov-16 14:24:36

How old are you both?
I'd be careful what you choose to do here. I'm sure he is a wonderful partner and father figure to your child but having your own is very different.
Do you think he feels too young at the moment or is it a point blank no, never going to happen?
Do you feel as though you may come to resent him for not wanting what you want?

AlrightMum Sun 06-Nov-16 14:33:37

He is 40 and I am 35, so time is of the essence. It's a point-blank no from him. I'm so gutted and yes, I do worry about the possibility of resentment, but because of my age, I could end the relationship and there's no guarantee I'll meet someone / be able to have a baby anyway. It took me years to find someone I could trust and who accepted me as I was as a single mum. Plus I don't just want any baby, I want his. He thinks my son's father is vile for leaving me to it on my own and says he would step up to the mark if an accident happened, but there won't be an accident, because I've got a oil. I just wish there was a way to make him see that he would be an incredible father, because he really would.

AlrightMum Sun 06-Nov-16 14:34:18

coil not oil!!

Trills Sun 06-Nov-16 14:39:41

Just because someone would be good at being a father doesn't mean that they should want to.

AlrightMum Sun 06-Nov-16 14:42:47

I know, you're right. It's just really frustrating.

Ayeok Sun 06-Nov-16 14:45:38

I can't help feeling that you're projecting what you want onto your partner. He has been clear, he doesn't want any kids. You can't get much clearer. You have to either give up on having kids, or leave.
It's not fair to ignore what he wants because it doesn't match what you want.

Ragwort Sun 06-Nov-16 14:49:41

I just wish there was a way to make him see that he would be an incredible father, because he really would.

But, as Trills says, that doesn't mean that he wants to be a father? hmm

Please, please don't 'bully' someone into having a child if they don't want one, he has been totally honest with you. Accept his reasons and if you really want another baby rather than being with this man then move on.

Ragwort Sun 06-Nov-16 14:50:40

How on earth do you know if someone else would love being a parent, that is a truly arrogant comment to make.

NicknameUsed Sun 06-Nov-16 14:55:06

Sorry, but I agree with the last few posters. Your desire to have a child does not trump his not to have one. And please don't even consider trying to have an "accident"

I just wish there was a way to make him see that he would be an incredible father

You can't, so don't even try.

SmellySphinx Mon 07-Nov-16 14:35:30

It's heart wrenching I can see you love him and even if you didn't have an "oil" grin I would hope there wouldn't be an "accident" anyway. However him saying if an accident were to happen then he would step up (It's obviously the right thing to do but) - that's kind of mish mash and giving you false hope if you see what I mean? I know why he said it and you don't intend for this to happen and he trusts you not to do anything covert as it were but...well, yeah.
Maybe an ...He shouldn't have said that or mentioned it kind of thing. An unspoken truth.

Think I'm confusing myself now!!
I can feel your frustration sad
But, free will is free will and he sounds like a decent bloke in every other respect. It's a difficult position for you to be in and time isn't on your side... As clichè as it sounds, but true enough, you may just have to get over the urges to have a baby and try to be happy with a brilliant relationship and step father for your child.

Who knows, maybe he will be open to the idea of adoption or fostering? I KNOW it's a big step and far away from having your own child. It sounds as though he has accepted his lot in life as is and in order to be with him you'll have to accept this too.

Bloody hard x

user1471950254 Mon 07-Nov-16 17:01:22

I think you need to weigh up choosing current life with partner over leaving him and adopting/having a baby on your own. It all depends whether you love him more than you want another child. Good luck making a decision, it sounds very hard. I respect his honesty and also that he has formed a good relationship with your DC despite not wanting to be a parent. But please remember not to project your wish for parenthood onto him, he's an adult so clearly knows what he wants at this point

BestZebbie Mon 07-Nov-16 17:05:02

Quite apart from your partner, how would your existing son deal with getting a baby sibling at this point? Jealousy? Disruption of schooling due to sleepless nights etc? Less family money? Losing your attention/being your priority? Feeling replaced?

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