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Why should I stick to my agreement

(14 Posts)
Asaroe91 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:31:29

Me and my childrens father r seperated. The agreement was for him to have our eldest for the weekends and he gives me £300 maintenance every month. He is not expecting to have our eldest for 2 nights instead one n only give me £160 a month. He written an agreement that thats he will give me remainder 140 should we live together again but is not mandatory. I am extremely annoyed as last night him and his family were complaining about me not apprently sticking to an agreement about access to the kids (all lies conducted by my ex) and then they dont say anything to their own son for not sticking by his word. How is that fair. I want to teach my kids that agreements and whatnot should be stuck to no matter what the change of circumstances (this situation being us being together to not being together anymore). if im expected to stick to my original agreement and I wrong to expect that from him too?

Asaroe91 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:33:02

That was meant to say he is NOW expecting 2 nights instead of 1

JenLindleyShitMom Sun 06-Nov-16 12:34:33

Contact CMS tomorrow and open a case. Have no more discussion with him regarding maintenance. Let CMS deal with him now.

Have no further discussion regarding you living with him hmm (why does he want this??)

Engage a solicitor to draw up a formal contact arrangement.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sun 06-Nov-16 12:35:36

Go through csa(or whatever it it now) and a solicitor to get a proper arrangement. It's naff all to do with his family.

caroldecker Sun 06-Nov-16 14:22:09

Remember contact and maintenance are separate issues.

Asaroe91 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:32:17

I knowcaroldecker but they are part of the same agreement that we had mad together over a month ago. N he was making an issue over me sticking to my side of the agreement which was to allow our eldest to stay with him the weekends and in return he stick to his agreement about maintanence. Ive been complying but he isnt. I will be contacting csa tomorrow as he is very unreliable and always goes against his word

caroldecker Sun 06-Nov-16 15:48:06

He's a cunt - you know that or he would not be an ex. You need to:

1. Leave maintenance to the CSA
2. Organise contact to the benefit of the children
3. Ignore him and his family when they talk shit

Asaroe91 Sun 06-Nov-16 21:49:52

If I refuse to let him take our eldest on friday will I get into trouble? Only until I got csa n contact sorted. Ive not agreed to his agreement he emailed me and ive not signed it either. Im going to see a solicitor tomorrow to discuss it aswell.

PurpleDaisies Sun 06-Nov-16 21:52:46

If I refuse to let him take our eldest on friday will I get into trouble?

Having been on the other side of this, please don't use your child as a bargaining chip. He's an arse for not paying the maintenance he should but unless you've got concerns about the care he's giving to his son while he's staying with him I don't think you should withhold contact.

Cakedoesntjudge Sun 06-Nov-16 21:56:45

How old is your eldest?

To be honest, and I know it should be a last resort, but in most instances I am a massive advocate for formalising arrangements. IME and exp got the CSA to set up an informal agreement off the bat as we had no idea how to go about working out what he was meant to contribute - means we have never had a disagreement about money since. He took me to court because we couldn't agree about Christmas a couple of years back - at the time I was beside myself but formalising the arrangements has meant it's done and saves most of the bickering.

Obviously that only works if both parties stick to the agreement and if he already isn't, then there's a chance he still won't then. Also, if your dc is over 13/14 it's unlikely the court will enforce anything on them - I was 12 when DPs divorced and got to choose even then.

martinisandcake Sun 06-Nov-16 22:01:17

Sorry but he is wrong to have gone back on your agreement but you sound as though you are seeing his maintenance as payment for seeing his own children.

Treat these issues separately, the children should be seeing their father regardless of money, you can deal with that separately.

itlypocerka Sun 06-Nov-16 22:02:21

Don't withold contact as payback for underpayment of maintenance. Keep them separate.

If the original agreement was he having 1 night a week was linked to you having £300pw for the other 6 nights then the appropriate reduction if it does become 2:5 would be £50, to £250pw IF he was having all (how many?) children. If you are having the youngest child/children 7 days a week then less reduction, say £25 to £275

But I personally wouldn't agree to every weekend anyway. What happens when you want to do something on a weekend including your eldest?

SpareASquare Sun 06-Nov-16 22:07:00

If I refuse to let him take our eldest on friday will I get into trouble?

You should but probably won't.
You HAVE to separate maintenance from access no matter how tempting it is to 'punish' your ex by withholding the child. It really makes you no better than him.

I say this as someone who did not receive maintenance for YEARS because their father didn't think I deserved his money.

Asaroe91 Mon 07-Nov-16 11:48:08

SpareASquare thats exactly what my position was like since the kids were born. He used that because i get cb n ctc that he didnt need 2 give anything and everytime i argued with him about his nasty habits etc he would say u dont deserve anything off me look how u treat me. I understand what everyone is saying about not withholding contact. I have another dilemma now as my friend asked me if my son wanted to go on a play date sunday but I said I will let her know.

We have 2 children together. I say he takes our eldest because he is 1 and our youngest is 10 weeks old. Hes included both of the in his poorly written agreement however it doesnt make any sense. Hes not included anything about if the children are ill or if he cant take them or anything in regards to their well being whilst with him. I say that because he lives with his dad and his dad is an alcoholic apparently going sober and he smokes alot. And my ex has a history of smoking weed which he says hes stopped but his mum says he hasnt. I trust him with the kids to an extent because in the past when we used to live with him and before our youngest was born he used to smoke his weed in the house n leave bits of it all over the house. I left just as our eldest as starting to pick up things n crawl. But even then when I used to lie him on the sofa i used to find bits in his hair n clothes.

Having said all I have and everyones advice (thanks btw) I am going to see a solicitor today and see what they say. I would rather have something official in place but something thats not written by myself or my ex. In his agreement he calls the kids spouses 😐. It makes absolutely no sense at all.

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