I need help!

[Luckystar1]

I have a just turned 2 year old (and a 13 week old). The 2 year old was a much longed for baby, we tried for him for a year and miscarried along yet he way, I was so excited to have him.

He was born after a 48 hour labour and I was exhausted by the time he arrived. He then turned out to be a bad sleeper, a huge feeder and I was permanently exhausted. He also screamed all day long and I found his early months very tough, didn't sleep one full night ever until he was 1. Weaning was another horrific few months, he wouldn't eat anything and still breastfed up to 12 times a day.

I have no family nearby and my husband works long hours, we did go out a lot, but he was a very difficult baby and I had no help or reprieve from him at all.

As time has gone on, he has blossomed into a lovely and intelligent little boy, but he annoys the absolute shit out of me. I feel like his whole life has been mostly stressful, interspersed with a few months here and there of pleasant calm.

I don't know if this is due to his not sleeping, screaming etc, but I'm constantly worried about my bond with him. He screams as soon as he wakes up in the morning and mostly whinges all day long. I wake up stressed because he has fucked me off with the screaming from the off.

He naps for about 2 hours daily, but again, always wakes up screaming. The bliss of the peace, completely shattered and I'm immediately stressed again.

In amongst all this, I have had another baby, who has only served to amplify how difficult he was as a baby, and how different it could (or should??) have been.

How can I rescue this? Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like I can't cope with my feelings towards him (but similarly I know I'm tired and he is being a pain at the moment so I'm not really in my right 'place' either!

Sorry it's so muddled!!

[PlugUgly]

What is the screaming about when he wakes up?
also I know it's really hard but is he getting negative attention from you, that is, when he is being good and calm does he get attention or are you just pleased to get a break so ignoring the 'good' behaviour?

[Luckystar1]

He has always screamed on waking, no reason, always does it.

Yes he has my attention all day long. We do lots together and he gets lots of praise (I think!), obviously I do need down time , but I think he gets lots of positive attention.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

You've basically described both my DSs, and there's nothing 'wrong' with them, that's just how they are/were. Is your DC2 really that different to your two year old, or are your coping strategies just better? DS2 was just as screamy, non-sleeping (neither of them slept longer than two hours at a stretch until well past a year each), and un-put-downable as DS1, but because I had all the coping and acceptance strategies cracked, I found him 'easier'.

Also, two is a shit age, and your DS is probably getting over the novelty of having a baby sibling and is suddenly realising he's not lord of the manor anymore. 'Love-bomb' him, get your DP to take the baby out if the house for an hour or two so you can have one to one time with him. Articulate to him, as he probably can't, 'it's so hard being a big brother, isn't it?' because that's probably a lot of where his frustration is coming from. Don't, for the love of God, even think about using any form of time out. It will only confirm his worst fears that you want to exclude him or be rid of him in some way.

DS1 didn't get really likeable until he was three and now he and DS2 are (mostly) lovely and adore each other. It gets easier.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

Also - DS1 stopped screaming on waking when he was about three. DS2 (2.2yo) still does. Fuck knows why, but they get over it.

[Luckystar1]

Thank you. No we don't do any form of disciplining of that nature. I also do small bursts of love bombing daily although admittedly nothing more than 10-15 mins. Baby is almost permanently in a sling so my actual interaction with her is minimal and the days are largely focused on him still.

The baby is fed every 2-3 hours daily but is a lot more chilled than him, she rarely screams like he did.

I guess it is just his age etc, but I just worry so much that I've ballsed him up by hating his early days and by really hating some of the times I'm with him when he's really difficult!

[ElphabaTheGreen]

You've ballsed nothing up. You've done everything you've needed to do to keep yourself sane. There's nothing else for it when you have a screaming Velcro-baby. There is virtually no sitting down and basking in maternal glow when you have a shrieking, inconsolable baby sucking every last ounce of your sleep and energy. Then, they turn into an equally highly-strung toddler and, like me you have a complete lapse of sanity and logic you decide to have another one.

The age gap is unbelievably tough and I'll be honest - it's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier. When they're 1 and 3, for example... But it gets better. It really does, and once your DD is more interactive, they'll start melting your heart and making you forget this period of unrelenting shit. OK, the bickering starts, but then you find DC2 clasping DC1 around the middle and babbling, 'I luff yoo!' and it all makes up for it.

[Luckystar1]

Yes I can see it will get harder, at the moment DD needs very little, I'll lose my shit altogether when they're both mega pains in the arse!

[ODog]

I have a very similar situation. DD is 2.5 and has been challenging/high needs whatever you want to call it from day dot. He currently is enjoying the defiance stage where he will drop to the floor and scream (a horrible high pitched scream) and the mere suggestion of something as simple as getting dressed/going out/doing play doh/breathing.

On the flip side I have a 5mo DD who is literally the easiest baby ever (thank fuck). In truth she's just an average baby/average sleeper etc. However she sees like an angel in comparison.

I try really hard to praise DS for the smallest of things and also to accept that he is just made that way. On the other hand he can be incredibly sensitive/kind/sweet/funny/clever.

I also try really hard not to compare them and certainly not vocalise it in front of him.

I do genuinely feel I love them equally but one is just harder work then the other.