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Recently bereaved, not coping, need to hire help with the kids but what do I tell them?

(9 Posts)
LovelyDaysOutArentLovely Mon 24-Oct-16 18:00:20

I'm a SAHM to two DCs, ages 3 and 5. We are currently living far away from our families and most of our close friends. I recently lost a very dear family member unexpectedly and I am having trouble coping. It's still very recent and I know it will get better with time, but I need to keep going until that happens. My DH works very long hours and travels a lot, and I don't have many close friends in the area, so it's just the DCs and me most of the time. Normally that's OK, with of course the usual frustrations, but right now I just feel like I want nothing to do with them. I feel awful saying that but it's true. I really want nothing to do with anyone. I know it's ok for the kids to see that I am sad, but they are young enough that they still need a lot of care and consistent attention.

My DH is very sympathetic but he can't really adjust his work hours much. He has suggested that we hire a part-time nanny to get me through until I get back on my feet. It would be a big expense for us but we could manage without any other major compromises. But I just don't know how to have a nanny and be home at the same time. I already feel so guilty and like
I've been failing my kids recently. What would I tell them if I hired someone else to watch them while I hide in my room? (Or hopefully eventually go out and exercise, get some therapy, etc. when I feel up to it). I just feel like I would be making the situation easier for me but harder for my kids. But I'm really struggling, and they've already had way too much TV and iPad and junk food. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom Mon 24-Oct-16 18:10:43

Are you in the UK? Is your 5 year old at school? Could you find a nursery for the 3year old or other out of home childcare?

yesterdaysunshine Mon 24-Oct-16 18:11:40

Sounds like you need some help but I'm not sure that a nanny is the answer.

LovelyDaysOutArentLovely Mon 24-Oct-16 18:57:45

Yes I'm in the UK. The 5-year-old is in school and the 3-year-old is in nursery mornings only. I know it shouldn't be that hard to manage this but it feels impossible right now.

yesterdaysunshine, I'm open to suggestions. I know I need to work through this in lots of ways but right now it is so fresh and I'm just trying to figure out how to get through the days. Sometimes I can't even breathe.

dylsmimi Mon 24-Oct-16 19:02:06

So sorry for your loss flowers
I think a nanny sounds good while you get yourself together but try to be really careful that they support you with the children eg do the school run, make tea etc but they don't allow you to completely isolate yourself. That won't help you or your children.
If you can manage together it will help those long days just you and the children as I know that can be hard

Heirhelp Tue 25-Oct-16 08:00:15

Just tell the kids that someone is coming to play and look after them while you do some jobs and have some mummy time.

defineme Tue 25-Oct-16 08:04:43

I would book a nanny or whatever, the kids will just think you are like every other mum who works. You really must go to the doctor and explain how you are feeling.

Penfold007 Tue 25-Oct-16 08:08:23

Have you tried speaking to your GP or an organisation such as www.cruse.org.uk ?
Accessing some extra help with DC is great but you need some help with your feelings around this bereavement. Sorry for your loss.

itlypocerka Tue 25-Oct-16 08:45:04

The kids won't think about it too deeply. You do what you need to to get the headspace to process what has happened.

Don't feel bad, it's normal to not have the energy to cover a full nurturing role at times like this and if you can get help to cover as much as possible of the practical side of things then that will give you a chance to use whatever emotional energy you can summon on the important things - kids don't care who makes their packed lunch, or sets out their breakfast or tea or does the laundry or shopping - but they do care who tucks them in at night or cuddles them when they are sad so keep your energy for those things.

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