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Slapped my 4 year old

(44 Posts)
yeahyoudid Sat 22-Oct-16 22:44:42

I feel absolutely terrible- DD was acting up about going to bed and for some reason slapped 3 week old DS round the face (this is totally out of character for her). I was so shocked that as a reflex I slapped her around the face. No excuse whatsoever and I have no one to blame but myself but I don't know what to do to make it right.

Chickpearocker Sat 22-Oct-16 22:50:45

Maybe tell her that your are sorry and it won't happen again, just explain to her that you were angry because she hurt her baby brother. Try not to beat yourself up about it too much these things happen especially with so many changes going on flowers

Ohyesiam Sat 22-Oct-16 23:08:51

Tell her you are sorry and it's not OK for mums to do that. Tell her you are learning too, And that you are trying hard to get it right.

YuckYuckEwwww Sat 22-Oct-16 23:12:26

talk to her about it
tell her it's not okay for a grown up to do that to a child, ever, and you're sorry.

Role play can be quite healing, act out the run up together and ask her for suggestions about what you could have done instead.

It's really weird when you have your second, until you do you only ever feel 100% protective to child no1, but when child no1 hurts child no 2 (when child no2 is still small and vulnerable) its a very conflicting feeling xx

Lalaloopsyscaresme Sat 22-Oct-16 23:16:28

I did something similar when my DD kicked my newborn ds in the head, it was easy accidental but I slapped her leg pretty hard.
She was 2 and just being a rambunctious toddler.
Sometimes it's reflex, just give her some cuddles and reassure her you won't slap her ever again, and that she shouldn't slap the baby.

memyselfandaye Sat 22-Oct-16 23:25:37

You need do some major appologising, my 5yr old has had the odd tap on the bum, but slapping around the face is a bloody terrible thing to do.

She's 4yrs old ime they have long memories, she won't forget in a hurry.

Do whatever it takes to make it up to her, one on one time, take her out for a few hours, the park, lunch or toy shop, and let her know it will never happen again, and hope she does'nt tell her teacher or act it out at school.

worriedabouthimagain Sat 22-Oct-16 23:31:50

Am sorry op but this is pretty horrible. Why when someone hits a child it's say sorry etc but if it's two adults it's abuse? I am not trying to make you feel worse but you need to truly see how bad you were

YuckYuckEwwww Sat 22-Oct-16 23:34:37

so what do you suggest she do next then worried ?

monkeywithacowface Sat 22-Oct-16 23:37:55

Why is a a slap on the bum better than a slap on the face? I'm sure it was more than a "tap" too otherwise why do it? Don't down play your own physical violence so you can come along and judge someone else

AndNowItsSeven Sat 22-Oct-16 23:40:00

Worried that's not abuse , and offensive to survivors of child abuse.

YuckYuckEwwww Sat 22-Oct-16 23:41:51

Why is a a slap on the bum better than a slap on the face?

its not, in fact it's worse because that poster rationalises it as okay, because there's "worse" ways to be physically violent to a child. The face slap poster at least knows its not okay

worriedabouthimagain Sat 22-Oct-16 23:42:06

Honestly I doubt she can do anything to make this better

YuckYuckEwwww Sat 22-Oct-16 23:42:58

she can make it worse though.. by carrying on as if everything is okay and what she did was fine and normal

worriedabouthimagain Sat 22-Oct-16 23:43:35

I was abused as a child I think it's right

monkeywithacowface Sat 22-Oct-16 23:47:27

Exactly Yuck. OP I'm not going to kick you whilst your down god knows I've fucked up with mine a long the way.

I guess you just need to be honest with yourself. Is this a one off? Is there more going on here? Are you coping generally after the birth of your newborn? Do you need extra support?

YuckYuckEwwww Sat 22-Oct-16 23:51:35

what happens next matters

a really abusive parnent would now gasslight the kid, tell them that it was their fault and "look what you made me do" etc or else tell the kid it didn't happen or play it down and make a joke of it "I didn't hit you silly we were playing".

I don't believe it makes no difference now if the OP tells her DD that it wasn't okay, it was wrong, and she's sorry

trufflepiggy Sat 22-Oct-16 23:52:48

I'm sorry OP but I think this is really terrible.

I understand that it was (hopefully) a knee jerk reaction coupled with sleep deprivation and frustration... HOWEVER I think you should have a serious think about why you responded that aggressively.

IMO violence is never acceptable or justifiable (unless you're being attacked and it's self defence).

I would be making a serious effort to ensure that this does not happen again. It's really important that you tell your DD that your behaviour was absolutely not acceptable.

Do you think you could take a break from home for a while?

Lalunya85 Sat 22-Oct-16 23:55:12

OP, I understand how you feel.

I haven't slapped or hit any of my kids, but I have come close once or twice when my DS hit his nearly newborn sister. Instead, I picked him up, screamed at him and plonked him on the floor/his bed/the toilet seat or whatever was nearby quite forcefully. I made him cry and he looked scared. It made me feel absolutely terrible, but in that moment I didn't really know what else to do and it was like an automated response.

I'm not proud of this, but I really do understand how sometimes when you are dealing with so many new emotions and are sleep deprived and exhausted, some things can really push your buttons and you don't follow the perfect parenting rule book.

Try thinking of ways in which you could have reacted which don't involve hurting your DD (obviously), but which at the same time allow you to vent your frustration and anger. I used to imagine my DS hitting DD, and role play in my head that I would first attend to DD and comfort her. By doing that, I was dispersing that initial panic response of lashing out at DS. Once DD was ok, I would then take DS to his room, confiscate toys, raise my voice at him etc. Role playing it all in my head felt like I was practicing the behaviour, and it worked. I now do this automatically rather then venting with any form of aggression.

MistresssIggi Sun 23-Oct-16 00:00:21

It is really important she doesn't hit her baby brother round the face or head though, that could be very dangerous. I read the thread in reverse and was ready to say how awful your behaviour was but you are three weeks post partum, if anything like me you probably are practically hallucinating from lack of sleep and hormones, and for a split second all you saw was an aggressor hurting your baby. But she's your baby too. Very difficult all round. sad

MistresssIggi Sun 23-Oct-16 00:03:58

a break from home for a while hmm

memyselfandaye Sun 23-Oct-16 00:13:40

YuckYuck How fucking dare you say a tap on the bum is worse than a slap around the face, to a 4yr old, and no I'm not "rationalising" it, I don't need to.

Were you ever slapped around the face as a 4yr old? I was, 37 years later I still remember it as clearly as if it was yesterday it was during an attempted rape, so do not dare say a tap on the bum is worse, it is'nt.

Do not tell me what is and is'nt ok, you know nothing.

Pluto30 Sun 23-Oct-16 00:19:34

Apologise. Tell her you were wrong for hitting her and that it won't happen again. Follow up with cuddles, and stop beating yourself up over it.

yeahyoudid Sun 23-Oct-16 02:04:51

Truffle piggy- Do you genuinely suggest 'taking a break from home for a while' away from my two toddlers and a newborn is a rational solution??

ImSoVeryTired Sun 23-Oct-16 03:08:03

Yeahyoudid, taking a break is not a rational solution.
No one is going to condone what you did but I think you have had some harsh responses (some without suggesting solutions).
I think the previous poster who suggested role playing these things in your head, was very sensible.
Also the posters who said apologise and let her know it wasn't right. Tell her it won't happen again and explain why it did, as some of the first posters suggested.
I reckon you scared her and yourself pretty badly here but so long as you both move past it and it never happens again things will be ok.
My dad smacked me when I was 5 and I never forgot it but it was calculated and he never apologised or thought he was wrong. Even years later, that hurt more than the fact he did it.

ImSoVeryTired Sun 23-Oct-16 03:10:20

Sorry, distinct lack of commas in there. Half awake as teething 8mth woke up again.
Good luck sorting it out OP.

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