A partner who doesn't help or appreciate?(6 Posts)
So I'm hoping for advice from anyone, I'm 21 with a one year old and a partner of 4 years. For the first year of my baby's life I was a stay at home mum while he worked 45 hours a week, I was doing all he housework and all the hard baby work which I felt I couldn't complain about because he worked. But now I have been working for 2 months full time which before I took the job he promised all housework and baby work would now be 50/50. Nothing's changed, in fact it's worse. My biggest problems is mornings, here's my routine, I'm going to give this morning as an example.
4:30am baby was crying and I lied for 5 minutes to see if partner would bother to get up and take his turn, but no he never he 'couldn't hear' a screaming child but could hear his alarm to snooze it.. anyway. So baby wouldn't go back to sleep so I brought him into our bed and thankfully got another 2 hours, partners alarm woke me and baby up at 6:30 (which he snoozed and lied there for another 10 minutes) while me and baby got up. I went downstairs to start picking up 5 lots of wrappers and a empty can of coke that partner had left there he night before, I then went back upstairs and got my uniform on, done the quickest worst make up job on myself ever to then go downstairs and start ironing partners shirt and t shirt (which he basically demands whilst he gets a nice shower as he claims he can't iron properly) and then I clean the kitchen from the night before. I then pack the baby's changing bag ready for his day at nursery and change him into his outfit for the day which is always a struggle while he wriggles and screams, all meanwhile partner has got out his nice warm shower into his freshly ironed clothes and starts to do his hair upstairs while I'm dealing with chaos downstairs.. I then feed to crying cat and then sort my own bag out for work, I then finally get to sit down with my cold coffee which then my partner comes in and says 'will you do me a favour and go get my tie out of the car' to which I have to remind him he didn't even say please. I then go out and get his tie and come in and give him it and don't even get a thank you. I then finish my coffee and go to get the baby and my partner snaps at me 'well can you get the baby in the car' (which I was about to do anyway) I then struggle out the door with a changing back on one shoulder and my bag on my other arm trying to get the baby out the front door while he screams because he doesn't want to, he can hear me struggling but doesn't help. Then I realise the baby doesn't have a dummy so i march back into the house and can't find out to which my partner says "well he can't go without one" but doesn't bother to help look, I give up and go to the car while my partner finishes getting his shoes on and comes out to drive us both to work.
Is it just me?! I get upset all the time when I think about it and when I try to talk to him about it he turns it back onto me and says I moan to much. I just don't get it, I actually don't think I would care if at the end of it all when he drops me off at work he would give me a hug and go 'thanks for ironing my stuff' or every now and then say 'thanks for everything you do I appreciate it'. But no I get nothing, just snapped at or negative moods which I don't understand. I get his job is stressful but so is mine! I'm on my feet 9 hours a day working in a very busy pharmacy with angry patients and lots of tasks to get done in between giving out prescriptions and dealing with complaints.
I honestly just don't know what to do, bare in mind I do all the housework too and all the washing the only thing he does is come in of a night and puts his own uniform in the wash and doesn't ask if I need anything washing, my uniforms never get done because he puts his shirt in one wash and pants in another which leaves no time to do mine. I honestly don't know what to do but it makes me resent him more and more everyday.
Anyone else been through this?
Why are you doing things for him when he doesn't do anything for you?
I also want to add that I am on Quetiapine 150mg which I have to take at night which knocks me out and I am so tired in the morning from it but have to push through, and I feel like he isn't caring anymore. He winds me up and thinks it's a joke but I get so upset, and if I'm in pain (I suffer from severe periods twice a month) for example last night I was curled up on the couch nearly crying to which he snottily told me 'then go to bed if ye in that much pain wants the point in being down here?' Wouldn't a normal loving boyfriend want to go over and give them a cuddle and comfort them? I don't get it!
I honestly don't know Lucy, I feel like I have to because he spent 2 years financially supporting me and keeping a roof over my head and feel like because he drives me to and from work I have to give back. And if I don't do it he gets a cob on, the house has to be clean regardless so I just do it, but it's just getting ridiculous
He doesn't sound like much of a 'partner' - sounds like he is walking all over you and to be honest you are letting him!
Was he like this before you had the baby or has he recently started? I think if he was like this before then this is him and not sure if you are going to change him! Need to stand up for yourself, put yourself first and stop doing things for him. If he is recently like this then I would try harder to work to readjust the balance of the workload and try to get him to understand the pressure you are under.
I went back to work ft when my baby was 7 months and the no sleep almost killed me! My partner and I were bickering and to be honest both really tired and resentful. It only really got better when my babies sleep improved and I reduced my hours slightly to take the pressure off me. I also got a cleaner as I was sick of the guilt of having an unclean house. If this is an option for you I would advise to just organise a cleaner to make your lives easier.
I think things will get better for you but you deserve to be treated with respect and that for me starts with standing up for yourself! Take care xx
You might get more replies if you move this to the relationships board.
But in the meantime, stop doing things for him. He doesn't deserve it. You're not his slave.
If he doesn't start treating you with respect and pulling his weight then LTB.
You can't make him do anything. But you can decide what you will and won't put up with.
I wish you all the best. You're still very young at 21. Do you have any support from your parents. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't put up with being treated badly by him.
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