Social media and lack of respect for our boundaries

(11 Posts)
brucebogtrotter Mon 03-Oct-16 08:49:11

Hello all

Not strictly parenting, I know, but I want thoughts from other parents.

My husband and I have not mentioned our son on social media at all. No pregnancy announcement, scan photo, birth announcement, or mention at all. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

One of my relatives posts on Facebook constantly, narrating her way through her day on there. Fine, her choice. However, last week she mentioned our son by name on there (gggrrrrrrr, knew I should have said something at this point) and this week she's put up a group photo with our son in it.

I messaged her very nicely, explaining we don't want any kind of social media presence for our son, and would she mind cropping him out please. Her response was that she "didn't know" which I find hard to believe given us, his actual parents, haven't put anything up, but that she would take it down.

Photo still up, now with several comments and likes. I'm seething. What can I do?

Roygrace Mon 03-Oct-16 08:52:09

What do you think will happen to the photo? She should respect your wishes though. You need to tell her to remove it and remind her that you want no mention on social media.

Wait till he hits teens!

IzzyIsBusy Mon 03-Oct-16 08:53:26

You can ask FB to remove it.

PurpleDaisies Mon 03-Oct-16 08:53:37

Maybe she just hasn't got around to it, or has forgotten. Ask her again. If she won't take it down, you've got to think about whether you want to be in a position where she can take pictures of your son and put them in social media.
I think being annoyed at her even mentioning your son's name is over the top though (unless he's called Voldemort).

brucebogtrotter Mon 03-Oct-16 09:04:32

If he hits his teens and wants to be all over social media, fine, his choice. I didn't think of asking Facebook to remove it, although that really would cause a big kick off, I suspect. I'll ask her again. It's not about what I think will or won't happen to the photo, it's about our, and our son's, right to privacy, regardless of what anyone else's opinion is on that.

Toffeelatteplease Mon 03-Oct-16 09:11:44

You have every right to ask either her or Facebook to remove it.

But tbh in this day and age if I was the relative would think you are being ridiculous and incredibly annoying.

I use Facebook to keep touch with friends and family, it might be the only way I do with some people, but to be able to post and comment on their photos and vice versa is important to me. To suddenly have to think "oh I can't take/post that picture because brucebogtrotters's child is on it" is incredibly controlling especially in the grounds of a group picture. Or you take the group photo and then have to ask brucebogtrotters child to step out so you can take one you can put up .

Always happy to detag or take down individual photos but I find take down requests of a group photo are just rude.

It the end it always goes like this. You get a snotty email about internet safety and security. So you comply with the internet silence take down phots, don't take photos of precious moments until suddenly you find the parents have done a 180° because it suits them or the kid has got their own profile as soon as they are old enough (usually with security settings shockingly worse than mine).

If you're planning to keep it up forever of course it's worth annoying people for but except where there is a real physical risk to the child, I really wonder if it's realistic and worth it.

phillipp Mon 03-Oct-16 09:15:50

I don't put my kids on social media and never put photos of other people's kids on there.

However, I think if it's something you don't want to happen you really should have been clear from the start. I also think that it's totally understandable that she didn't know. Because you never told her. I can't imagine her checking your FB feeds to see if you had posted anything.

Sackmagique Mon 03-Oct-16 09:16:58

I have a similar stance to you, OP. I think it's reasonable to ask people to detag/ not put DS's name in. But I don't think you can control whether he appears in group shots (for example, my son is in a pic of his playgroup friends- I don't mind that because he's not named or identified otherwise).

Toffeelatteplease Mon 03-Oct-16 09:46:31

Also consider that by tagging you into the photo she is giving you a degree of control over that photo.

now if she defriends you or changes her settings so you can no longer see her photos (totally doable and you wouldn't know anything had changed unless you actively clicked on her photos), she can post freely, comment on the people in the photos etc and you wouldn't have a clue. What limited control you have over the photos is entirely gone.

I think we have gone so paranoid over Internet security we have forgotten what a fantastic tool it can be in making and maintaining relationships.

brucebogtrotter Mon 03-Oct-16 10:13:00

Goodness me. I wasn't snotty in the slightest when I asked her. And I specifically didnt ask her to take down, but just crop out. I dont see the issue witb that. Group photos with my son in? Absolutely fine. Sharing them privately on Facebook etc with family who might want to see him? No problem. No need for him to step out of group photos at all. Posting a picture of him on a status/as your profile photo/cover photo? Not fine, to me.

Interesting to see other views, though.

kiki22 Mon 03-Oct-16 10:30:55

I think if you don't want your son in social media it's up to you to keep him out of photos I think banning people from mentioning his name is nuts tbh. I really cant see how keeping his name from social media makes much difference to him at all.

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