Shouty parens

[Escapedtostarbucks]

Oh god. NC for this. DH and I have always had a shouty relationship - I wonder if we just rub each other up the wrong way. It's something I don't really like (although I am quite shouty and easily irritated, I find the shouting embarrassing in case God forbid the neighbours hear)

Anyway. We have a really busy life (or maybe just can't cope, who knows) we have one almost 2 yo DS. Our lives are- up 5am, nursery drop, Commute, work, we come home, DH admittedly late (8pm) and we eat and go to bed.

So, on the back drop of this our only communication involves moaning, getting irritable and shouting. Our boiler has been broken for 3 weeks and today DH had time to look at it. He came in and and "it's a very bad boiler, it's broken really, but I've fixed it by changing the on/ off times and it works but not that well"
Me: you haven't fixed it it always comes on. It just turns itself off 20 mins later"
Him: this is longer than its ever worked and it's all we can do with a poor quality broken boiler"
Me: the boiler has worked for the 5 years we've lived here and it needs to work, we'll need the heating soon"

This whole things gets louder and louder and ends up with him shouting and swearing and me screeching at him to stop shouting over me.

All week I have been asking him to stop shouting in front of DS but he has told me
"It's you"
"You stop annoying me"
"You shut up and I'll stop shouting"

My shouty response gets screamed over louder. Anyway, you can imagine.

Today our son started joining in and shouting babble. I'm devastated, I don't know what to do and fooled myself he wasn't picking up on it.

My problem is I know I need to change as well but if he won't then how can I get it through to him? We both need to try and we just wind each other up.

We have no time alone and if we did we have so many things to discuss arguments to have that it would be a waste of time.

I know this isn't uncommon- I've sneered at enough friends and family in the past whose children are affected by crap relationships to feel suitably shamed- so I was wondering if anyone has come out the other side?

[panad317]

Aah it's so hard when you hear your DC copy you, but it might make it easier for you to control. Maybe this is what you needed. I grew up with shouty, violent parents and although I haven't been violent to DP, I have been shouty. Until DD started to copy and it broke my heart!
If she is in the same room and I can feel an argument is on the way, I tell DP "Let's discuss this in the kitchen" and while I know DD is just in the next room, I can stay calm. And when I'm calm, he is too.

[Escapedtostarbucks]

Pand that's a good idea. Its just that it's practically every time we speak to each other. He's overly dramatic and annoying (ie boiler hysteria) with everything, and clearly I'm getting wound up everytime

[Escapedtostarbucks]

(Which I know is wrong)

[BertieBotts]

Does your DH share your feeling that the shouting is wrong? Is it one sided? You've given the impression that you're one as bad as the other in this post but you mention him swearing (and not yourself) and screaming over you (and not yourself) - also, you're describing the whole exchange as "We wind each other up" whereas his comments (it's you, stop annoying me) seem to be squarely blaming you.

I think you're right that you probably need to control your own reaction to irritants better, but if he's overly reactive and/or uses shouting as a method of control about everything and/or feels that he's being perfectly justified in shouting (rather than feeling ashamed and wanting to change but not knowing how) - it seems like this might be a bigger issue.

You said your only communication is shouting. Are there any times when you're calmer and able to reflect with each other?

You can't change somebody else's behaviour, only your own. And that might not be enough.

[Escapedtostarbucks]

Yes that's the problem. I think ten rubbish communication is fairly 50:50 but he doesn't seem to recognise his part in it. So if he can't how can he stop?

I think we're really stuck in a rut. We haven't had time alone for nearly 2 years, we just eat & sleep (son bed shares with us so we're never ever alone)