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Passing on baby toys seems to upset our eldest.

(17 Posts)
DangerQuakeRhinoSnake Fri 23-Sep-16 22:08:11

Hoping for some MN wisdom on this please. We saved all ds' baby toys (the ones which didn't get trashed that is) for baby no 2. He is now 3.5 and baby is 5 months.

On the surface he's been fine with sharing his old toys and was pleased to see and remember them all. However today I found a couple of his soft toys in a box and he immediately said they should go to dd. Now in my book you're never too old for soft toys so these are exempt from passing down.

He has been behaving terribly recently and I think I'm starting to understand what's going on. Dd is a high needs baby and takes up a lot of our time and energy. Ds has today admitted that this makes him feel sad. I feel like I've really let him down sad

So the main point of this thread is to ask, did anyone else have this problem? As I feel it's a shame not to pass his toys on, but then if it's negatively affecting him then do I just get rid of them instead? And buy all new for dd?

00100001 Fri 23-Sep-16 22:12:22

This isn't about toys. Its about why he's sad.
He might be feeling left out/marginalised etc.

If new toys were to be bought, theubshould be for him.

Otherwise it might appear little sister gets more attention and now gets new stuff just for her.

Make time for DS, make sure you spend time with him and for him alone.

NataliaOsipova Fri 23-Sep-16 22:14:22

Agree with PP - buy some new "big boy's" toys for him and then make a fuss of what a kind big brother he is for giving the old ones to DD.

Lovewatchingrainfall Fri 23-Sep-16 22:16:26

It sounds to me it's more about him feeling left out then the toys. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and while sorting out my DD toys I realised after a while she started playing up and bits. It took a while to work out but in the end it came about that she thought we were going to love baby more because we were giving her things away to new baby and won't have time for her.

Is there a way you could maybe let your DS choose what toys his sister might like to play with, and praise the good behave maybe get him a new toy or game. Get him to show your DD how a certain toy works to get him engaged with it.

Sorry if that does not make a lot of sense heavily pregnant and not much sleep.

DangerQuakeRhinoSnake Fri 23-Sep-16 22:20:59

Thanks Rain I like the idea of getting ds to pick out his old toys for her.

You're all right of course and I know he needs more time with me. She has had some health issues and is ebf and there has been more focus on her than we'd have liked. I've messed up on more than one occasion since she arrived.

I don't quite know what to do but I know I have to do something different.

00100001 Fri 23-Sep-16 22:31:09

Make time for him, say you want to spend some special time with him, doing whatever he wants etc

hownottofuckup Fri 23-Sep-16 22:32:00

Don't beat yourself up OP, the fact he's felt comfortable to tell you and you've listened to him and are looking for ways to help him feel better says enough about your relationship.
Could you take him out to buy a couple of new toys? Try to include him when bfing by getting him to sit with you to read a book or just put peppa pig on and watch it together? At 3.5 just cuddles mean a lot. Playing games like I spy (I spy with my little eye something beginning with tr tr tr tree' 'tree?' 'yay!' etc) and could you get him 'helping' in some small way with DD? DD has loved that with DD, like we're looking after the baby as a team and when he's settled we can do something together, I think it helps them feel included and bond and helps them forge an understanding of their new role as a sibling rather than the baby.

hownottofuckup Fri 23-Sep-16 22:33:40

I don't know if that made as much sense as I thought, I've had a glass wine

thatsn0tmyname Fri 23-Sep-16 22:35:58

My son was 3.5 when we got rid of the cot. It was his and his younger sister's. He was so upset to see it going into the back of the RSPCA charity van. At that age he didn't cope well with change- handing on old toys is also indicative of change.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme Fri 23-Sep-16 22:37:45

Can you have just a couple of hours with him on his own? When my ds was born I managed once or twice to leave him with dh between feeds just to take dd swimming or to something that was a treat for her. It made us both feel a lot better!

Sunnydawn Fri 23-Sep-16 22:38:37

Don't know if this helps, but we didn't pass the toys on - we just encouraged DS1 to share them. We then went onto to buy ds2 a few extra, and as they got older they sometimes had joint toys.

Even now I know exactly whose toy car or teddy is whose, even though they are all mixed up between rooms.

Three years between mine.

trilbydoll Fri 23-Sep-16 22:43:51

We've got two Sophie la Girafe, two musical monkeys, two dolly pushchairs... You get the picture, it became clear early on that the favourite toys needed duplicating.

It gets easier as the baby doesn't need you quite so much, esp once you start weaning. DD1 still really thrives on time alone with us but it's easier now to put dd2 to bed and let dd1 stay up a bit. It's hard when they're tiny and don't necessarily stay asleep in the evening!

DangerQuakeRhinoSnake Sat 24-Sep-16 08:17:26

Thanks for your replies. Operation ds is in action. He wanted to come in the bed with me this morning (before the sun came up on his Gro Clock shock) so I let him as he was upset. It was nice to have a big cuddle.

Suggested a trip out this morning just the two of us and then he got upset that his sister isn't coming with us confused I don't know what to do now. Any advice?

00100001 Sat 24-Sep-16 09:52:34

Go with them both, but make it his day, doing what he wants to do smile

NataliaOsipova Sat 24-Sep-16 10:00:13

I would suggest taking DD - but as 01000001 says above - make it "his" day. I would also liberally sprinkle in comments like "What a kind big brother for inviting DD to come too" etc....

Believeitornot Sat 24-Sep-16 10:17:01

Just keep your day as normal. He needs attention from you during the day not one-off special occasions if you see what I mean?

We didn't actively hand down toys to our youngest when she was a baby. Ds got quite possessive about his toys but we did have stuff which was part of the general pool; which included stuff he used to play with as a baby (jigsaws etc). But we didn't tell him they were "his".
His own toys like playmobil and Lego remain his. We have sharing toys and dd has her own.

DangerQuakeRhinoSnake Sat 24-Sep-16 21:39:26

Thank you again. I think today went OK. I said what you suggested Natalia and he was in complete agreement! I have told him tomorrow I am taking him swimming just the two of us, as I want to spend some time with him. He seemed to like the idea. I used to take him for swimming lessons before dd was born so it will be a bit of a return to that I hope.

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