Awkward situation with friends(8 Posts)
Hi, I've name changed for this as I don't want to out myself. I have a 13 year old son who is just going into year nine. He has had the same group of friends since primary school and I am very friendly with his friends Mum's and regularly spend time with them on nights out, coffee and even occasional weekends away etc. I would really appreciate some advice as I find myself in a tricky situation and I have been awake most off the night fretting about this. DS spent quite a lot of time away over summer holidays (we had 3 weeks away and then he went to stay with family for 2 weeks while I was working) and so didn't see much of his friends. Since coming home he seems to have been a bit 'frozen out' of his friendship group. Everything was fine before he left and he spent last weekend with one friend and had plans (he thought) to meet up with that friend for the three days before going back to school this week. But on Monday his friend didn't answer his texts and so my ds didn't actually end up spending the day with him as planned. I bumped into the friends Mum on Monday evening who clearly thought my ds had been put with the group to the cinema that day - he hadn't, he had no idea his friends had gone out and obviously wasn't invited. I didn't say anything to ds. Then all week his friends have ignored his texts and not invited him to go anywhere with them. My ds is putting on a brave face but I can see he is very hurt and upset. He has no idea what is going on really but is getting quite upset and defensive if I try and ask him about it. He hasn't done anything to 'fall out' with any of them - all was well over summer holidays and he had had a great time with one friend last weekend and all seemed to be well. I am meant to be going out with the friends Mum's tonight - I really don't know if I can bear to sit there listening to what all the boys have been up to knowing my ds has not been included and is feeling hurt and excluded. Ds doesn't want me to say anything to my friends as he is worried what his friends will think if their Mum's talk to them about it - he says he doesn't want me fighting his battles for him. I would appreciate any advice how to handle this, even if it's just to totally back off but I just feel so sorry for my poor ds. I know my friends would be mortified if they knew or thought the boys were deliberately excluding him but I have promised not to say anything.
I would stay out of the boys' relationships particularly as you've promised your son that you will - otherwise what are you teaching him about promises.
I'd also try and support him, for example is there a different boy he could invite round for PlayStation and pizza (or whatever they enjoy) at the weekend?
If you have promised not to say anything and your son has asked you not to then you need to respect his wishes (there may come s time where you agree to step in, or at least have to acknowledge the situation with them). If you can't gave listening to it then don't go in this occasion. Or, get your son to see that saying 'oh, Ds didn't go to the cinema with them' isn't so bad. You can leave it at that (for now). I hope it sorts itself out.
Perhaps you can get him to focus on making some new friends?
Thanks both, yes my gut instinct is absolutely not to say anything to my friends about it, ds is putting a brave face on but I can see he is hurt. He has a few different groups of friends at school but the ones that he spends time with out of school are this group as they are the ones that live close by. I will try and encourage him to maybe focus on different friends for now but he has never really met up with any of the others outside school before, maybe now it's time.
Ugh it's just such nasty behaviour isn't it. The trick with these things, I think, is always not to let them see they've hurt him. So he shouldn't bother trying to text them anymore and focus on making new friends even though that's easier said than done. And if they do come crawling back he should remember to keep his eggs in more than one basket and not dump any new friends he's made.
*Not that he would dump new friends but I just mean it's tempting to go back to an old friendship group even if they haven't treated you well.
I know what you mean sugar, I thought I left all this behind me when I left school but it seems it never stops!
Maybe things will settle down again now they're back at school??
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