I'm not sure I like DS1's Gf

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

My DS IS nearly 17, he's had this gf for about 10 months. She's always very chatty and polite when I see her I just get the feeling that she isn't very nice to DS.
He's quite shy, lacks confidence and I've over heard her a few times putting him down,telling him he's useless etc
I bit my tongue as he's a big boy and able to make his own decisions I'm just concerned that he may think this is normal in a relationship (it's his first gf)
Not sure if I'm being over protective as its my "baby" & I should keep my mouth shut or to ask him about it!!?

[StopMakingMeLogOn]

Similar situation here. It is okay to talk to your son and ask if everything is okay and to let him know he deserves to be in a relationship where he is treated with kindness and respect and care. As a parent I think it is our job to tell our kids they deserve good things and that they don't have to put up with bad behaviour from anyone.

They are still kids and it is important that they don't grow up to think that mean behaviour is normal in a relationship.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

Thank you
I guess I just don't want any of my kids to "make do" they deserve to be really happy with someone who appreciates them for them!

[ImperialBlether]

Is she in your house when she's talking like that? My blood would boil!

[Lemond1fficult]

If your ds were a dd, would you say something? I think you would, and therefore you should. Keep it gentle - if he thinks you're attacking her, he'll probably feel as if he has to stand up for her. You don't want him feeling like she's not welcome in your house.

Implant the seed that it's not normal, or acceptable, and hopefully he'll decide he's had enough of her criticism.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

Yes she's in my house!!
Lemon you're absolutely right if it were my DD in a few years I'd be saying something.
He seems very smitten, although I've never actually seem them be affectionate,no hand holding etc I guess he's just embarrassed around me. She just seems like she likes everything her own way & he seems to do a lot of running around after her!!

[ImperialBlether]

I would challenge her in my own home. I know it would be better for him to do it but given his age, I'd say, "Can you say that again? Are you saying he's useless?" and wait for an answer.

Even if you then get into a conversation about bullying and abusive relationships, it's far better to say something rather than to keep quiet. It's like being a bystander when someone's being bullied otherwise.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

You have my sympathy tho no advice. I have had months of listening to my ds gf talking about all the lads she is gonna shag in ibiza!! Its OK tho coz he isn't her proper bf!! He is like a love sick puppy. Imo a fucking idiot. He is 21!!

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

If she says anything in public then I absolutely will say something, in the meantime I think I'll just have a word in DS ear and check that all is ok
Dragon - that is awful, she sounds like a catch. The boys in Ibiza are welcome to her!

[ImperialBlether]

If you hear her, let her know you've heard her. Make a noise of some kind and then when you see her later be very cold with her. It's most important you speak to your son, though, about red flags.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Unluckily our DCs have a sixth sense for when we are fishing for information.
Just a brief "How are things between you and GF?" perhaps?
She might be insecure or just a bossy wee madam! She does manage to be civil to you though so it seems she can mind her manners when it suits her.

These chats are often awkward but given his age I think I'd say something.

[Sugarcoma]

I would strongly advise staying warm to the Gf and having it out with her - have seen so many parent/child relationships driven apart when the parents don't like the DC's partner. However it would definitely be worth having a gentle talk with him, maybe not even directly, but just generally about relationships and how partners should respect each other and be thoughtful and kind towards one another. Hopefully if he sticks with her it'll fizzle out by the time/when they go to uni.

[Sugarcoma]

Arrgh *NOT having it out with her

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

Good advice, thank you.
I won't be confronting her but if she says something within my earshot I will make sure that she knows that I heard her.
DS is VERY laid back I'm sure at times he does drive her crazy (as he does me) but he absolutely doesn't deserve to be put down and told he's useless.
It gets my hackles up.
I'll be having a gentle chat with him to see if he's happy etc

[MadisonAvenue]

She just seems like she likes everything her own way & he seems to do a lot of running around after her!!

Sounds a lot like my oldest son's ex. They were together for 18 months and she ruled his life. She didn't want him to go to university and I'm pretty sure tried her damnedest to make sure he failed his A levels (he didn't but scraped into uni by the skin of his teeth) but school held several meetings with him and us regarding his fall in grades prior to exams. Teachers even asked him to spend less time with her and concentrate on his work.

She made things difficult for him once he'd moved into the halls (he's at a local university) and he spent more time running back and forwards to her than he spent in his flat, enjoying the uni experience he'd decided to live in for. He was constantly miserable.

We had a gentle talk just after New Year which he didn't appreciate at all. Or so we thought from his attitude.
He told us he was happy but obviously he wasn't because two weeks later they broke up and instantly our happy, cheery son was back and making big plans for himself. Without outing myself too much, he's flying to the US on Friday for a week all on his own, something he wouldn't have been able to do had they still been together. Then he'll go back to start his second year at uni.