AIBU Ex texts kids "needy" messages when he's not with them

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

Ex has them for 3 days but when he isn't with them he'll text things like "I'm missing you" "love you so much,can't wait until you're back home" I've seen the messages appear on their phones/iPods (DD is only 8 so I do check her iPod) but I don't snoop!
I'm sure he misses them just as I do when they aren't with me but it's like he needs constant reassurance from them. My DD rarely bothers to answer & she sometimes rolls her eyes at the texts. I can imagine that my 2 boys tell him what he wants to hear.
It's like he has to be reminding them constantly that he's there. They love their dad and have a good relationship with him I'm not sure why he so needy!

[BrianCoxReborn]

We have this with DP's ex. He has custody and they see her whenever they want, usually once a week between 1-3 days.

She cancels on a whim, or doesn't turn up at home (lives with her parents) when the kids are there. Then once they're home does nothing but phone text them and DP.

She has addiction issues so is very complicated and I am watching from the side lines as 2 very lovely children get messed around and emotionally blackmailed week after week :(

[GettingScaredNow]

If my DC were old enough for messages I know exh would do this too. As it is he tried doing it through me shortly after he moved out, but I told him I wasn't reading them out to Dd and he stopped.
He does insist on face timing with DC though and lays it on thick then.

Actually says 'missing you so much, don't forget me now will you?' Stuff like that.
Dd, who is 4, replies in a sort of huffy tone that he is saying something that to her seems stupid. He's her dad, of course she won't forget him.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

BrianCoxReborn .... Very annoying and hard to watch from the sidelines I'm sure
Ex has literally just text my DD iPod to say that he misses her I couldn't help myself & replied "it's gone 10:30 she's in bed!"
I just don't know what he's hoping to achieve by the constant texting it's not like they're going to forget him he sees them 3 days a week!!!

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

Exactly GettingScaredNow of course they won't forget him jeez we've been divorced 6 years and try as I might I can't forget him!!

[ImperialBlether]

I can sort of understand this - I'd hate to be separated from my children.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

I do hate being separated from my children but it's nearly 7 years & he sees them loads!
It's hard enough for the kids as it is without the constant reminders from their dad!

[pictish]

Is he single? Maybe he's really lonely. I'm not excusing him...just that loneliness can do funny things to people.

[mushroomsontoast]

I dunno... Since 8yo DD has had an ipod exH sends her messages on Skype, usually "missing you", "can't wait to see you next weekend" etc. They sometimes chat about her day etc and she sends him billions of random emojis. I think it's nice for her to be able to have that connection with him. He only sees them every other weekend though.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

No he lives with his gf!
Lol that's what my DD if she ever replies, it's just a stream of emoji poos not the return declarations of love and reassurance that he's after!

[OiWithThePoodlesAlready]

It isn't fair on your dc. It's not up to the children to provide emotional reassurance for their kids.

imperial I think it goes without saying that it's not nice to be separated from your kids but it is just part of life for separated parents. I miss my dd1 like crazy when she's with her dad but I would never contact her and tell her that. It would make her feel guilty and sad.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

Poodles .... That's exactly it I know that my DS12 answers and probably tells his dad what he wants to hear as he likes to please but I don't think it's doing him any good to get these messages
Don't get me wrong I've no objection to him contacting the kids if he needs to tell them something it's just the unnecessary needy texts that do my head in!

[GettingScaredNow]

The message at 10.30 is actually a bit a creepy. It feels to me like he can't control himself. This isn't about him wanting the DC to know he misses them, this is about him needing to say it.
He needs to grow up a bit I think.

That's how it reads to me but then that is 100% why my exh does it, for his own validation so I could be biased

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

GettingScaredNow ..... He absolutely needs to grow up in many many ways. I don't think all is rosy between him & his gf so maybe he's looking to the kids for some kind of reassurance? Saying that his gf texts my kids too usually with a pic of how much fun they've had on their days & her texts always end with how much she misses & loves them!
That may possibly be another thread!!!!

[GettingScaredNow]

Ending messages that way is probably reasonable enough (I can imagine if exh ever gets a new victim gf that it would bother me though if she said she loved my kids)

But I think your ex's behaviour is indulgent. He is indulging himself at everyone's expense. I can't imagine many teenage boys being totally happy about having an emotionally needy father. It's not stereotypical and through puberty could be smothering.

For Dd, it would concern me enough to try gently raising with her how she feels about the messages. I would worry that she might start to feel pressure and responsibility for her fathers emotional well being. Which is all kinds of wrong and back to front!

[Pinkjenny]

My ex-dh does this as well. Puts dd (9) on edge, makes her feel like she has to show him lots of attention. Ds (6) doesn't bother really and his father berates him for not fawning all over him. Irritates the shit out of me.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

I told DD that I replied to the text that her dad sent last night when she was in bed and she said "good as she wouldn't have bothered"! She's quite blunt!
However I know that she does worry about her dad & if he's happy or not as she's said that he tells her how much better things they are when she & her bros are there. She says her dads gf is horrid to him & that makes her sad.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

Pinkjenny it's beyond irritating, I think it grates on me so much as its like he's trying to constantly remind them that he's there which he shouldn't do on "my days"!!!

[Daisyandbabies]

It's probably his need to reassure them that he misses them and loves them, even though he doesn't see them every day? I think it's nice, tbh

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

It doesn't come across as nice it comes across as over bearing, they know that he loves them and they love him I just think he should be secure enough in his relationship with them to not need to text them on the days that aren't his.
I obviously don't object to him contacting them if there is something he needs to tell them but these message say nothing but how much he loves them,misses them and can't wait to be back with them!

[Daisyandbabies]

Could be worse, could be a shit father who doesn't even turn up to his days with them.

[Pinkjenny]

I completely agree it could be a lot worse. I just don't see it as the responsibility of the dc to provide him with reassurance and security.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

I agree that it could be a whole lot worse, hes very involved with the kids which is great I just wish he'd back off when they aren't with him. I wouldn't dream of texting them when they're at his telling them how much I miss them, how sad I am that they aren't there and that I can't wait to see them again. All of these things don't need to be said, I'm sure they know this especially DS16 and DS12 what would be gained by me telling them?
It would just make them feel crap and sad which is what happens when he texts them!

[GettingScaredNow]

Got last sentence states that they do feel crap when he sends them.
Have they out right said that to you? Or are you inferring?

If any one of your DC has expressed this then you need to raise the issue with your exh.
He is indulging himself with these messages, not the kids. He needs to say it and is prepared to another his DC for his own purposes.
Perhaps he needs to know that your DC feel pressure and responsibility for his emotions welfare?
Then, if his motives are genuine concern for the DC he will adjust to a more acceptable medium of expressing himself with the DC.

[RainbowDashstolemyidentity]

It absolutely affects their mood when he texts them and I know that the older 2 feel obliged to reply!

[GettingScaredNow]

I would be intervening in that case.

He's a grown man. He needs to understand it is wholly unacceptable to place his emotions wellbeing on the shoulders of children. And not just children according to the government set 'age of adulthood'. But these are his children and they will always be his children and therefore he will always the 'adult' as he will always be older and more worldly wise and more responsible.
His emotional wellbeing should not be put on them. That's his issue.