Need a way to help my DD with her 'friend'- please!

[afatalflaw]

My Dd (8) has a friend she has known since reception. This friend has always been a bit difficult, not just to my daughter but others in the class.

Friend is one of the youngest in the year and since beginning school has not had a particular 'best' friend although I have heard her call my DD and others her best friend even though those children have established friendships with others. I think these are two significant factors and I do sympathise on these points and all else being equal I would encourage my daughter to include her, but the girl tries to force her way into friendships through mean behaviour. I have heard that she has hit DD's friends before and has said things to DD in my presence that have made it necessary for me to intervene, really spiteful things but spoken in a world weary woe is me tone which I found quite disturbing. Eg. Girl was at our house to play and said, 'oh I wish I didn't have to play with you all the time'.

As a result of incidents like this she has not been to our house for almost four years and I refuse all invitations.

Thankfully last year they were in separate classes and I hoped this girl would find her own group of friends which she has to some extent but she still seems to want to come between my daughter and her friends.

My DD told me recently that other girl always wants to sit next to her at lunch. The conversation goes like this:

Friend: can I sit next to you at lunch?
DD: I want to sit with X and Y today but you can be on our table.
Friend to dinner staff: she's being mean and saying I can't sit with her (cries).
Dinner staff to DD: don't be unkind, let her sit with you.
Dd gives in as is quite quiet and nervous of being told off.

She has also told me friend calls people including her names and makes her cry regularly.

In the past I had put all this behaviour down to awkward attempts to make friends but I think at 8 she is old enough to go about things in a different way, but she can see DD finds it hard to stick up for herself and keeps on with the same behaviour as it is getting the result she wants.

What I am asking for is suggestions of what Dd can do in the lunch situation to get her message across without being mean but also allowing the dinner staff to see the real situation? I am worried this will continue indefinitely as they will probably be in school together until at least GCSEs.

[andiera]

So basically you have met this kid 4 years ago decided you didn't like her imprinted your opinion on how this CHILD was at 4? Do you not think that maybe this CHILD is rude to your daughter because you have made it clear to your daughter that you don't want them playing together coz she made a small remark at 4 years of age.

I think you need to be looking at your behaviour and how that is effecting your child's behaviour to this kid. Clearly your child is being equally as mean with her words enough to tell the teacher of your daughters behaviour. Start at home with how to approach this 'lunch time situation' by being kinder in yourself towards this CHILD.

Bottom line is if both kids are inviting each other for tea then they clearly do like each other and you putting a stop to this is the issue, resulting in this mean behaviour between to small children.

NEWSFLASH your daughter will probably have plenty of friends that you won't like but it's her choice who she's friends with not yours and this will go on way past GCSE's and into her adult life and guess what.... She won't like some of your friends neither so how you going to deal with that one?

[Fuckingmoles]

I would speak to the school - whilst children need to be tolerant of and kind to each other, they do not have to be friends. The other child is learning that she can get what she wants through manipulation and your child is learning that she has to put up with people who are unkind to her - not a good lesson for either child IMO.

I think you also need to rehearse and role play some responses which will help your DD be more assertive.

[afatalflaw]

Wow andiera! You know nothing about me or my child and clearly have a very active imagination and have filled in any gaps you found in my OP.

I have seen this child on an almost daily basis since reception so I am well aware of what she is like. I also know her mum who is lovely and as a result don't want to wade in on DD's behalf. As I said I have overheard comments from her and heard things she has done to other children from their parents so don't imagine I am judging from one incident! This is all stemming from DD coming to me with the problem. If she hadn't told me she was crying at school on a regular basis I would not be doing anything at all about this 'friendship'. Easy to hide behind the Internet when you want to attack a complete stranger I guess.

My Dd while not perfect is a good friend she has said to me she likes her friend 'when she is nice' but finds it difficult to stand up for herself especially when teachers get involved. I always speak kindly to the other child when I see her but now DD has decided she has had enough and frankly I am glad about it.

I have tried to support my daughter by saying if she needs me to I will talk to her teacher but I want to encourage her to deal with the situation herself. I was really after some way of dealing with the manipulation. I thought if I could talk about it over the holidays then she would have time to get used to the idea of speaking up. She even hates talking about her though as it makes her upset do wanted dome advice before I broach the subject with her.

[afatalflaw]

The role playing idea is a good one, thank you I will try that with her if she wants to.

[Floggingmolly]

Do indeed speak to the school. I have experienced that kind of laziness from the lunchtime supervisors; insisting manipulative crying child is accommodated whatever their request so they don't actually have to deal with it.
I had to go in twice, and be very firm the second time.

[afatalflaw]

Thanks floggingmolly.

[almightygirl]

My ds has had similar issues with friends too. I second talking to the school, starting with the class teacher.

I was recommended a book to help ds called Bigmouths, Bullies and So-Called Friends. It had some good tips and advice in on how children can stand up for themselves a bit, including bits on body language etc. I read it with ds and we both found it quite useful.

[afatalflaw]

Thanks, I will look for the book.

[DoreenLethal]

Friend: can I sit next to you at lunch?
DD: I want to sit with X and Y today but you can be on our table.
Friend to dinner staff: she's being mean and saying I can't sit with her (cries).
Dinner staff to DD: don't be unkind, let her sit with you.
Dd gives in as is quite quiet and nervous of being told off.

Teach your daughter to say to the girl: You can sit at whatever table you want, its a free country
Teach your daughter to say to the dinner staff 'I said she can sit at whatever table she wants, nothing to do with me where she sits'.

Or wait until meanie girl is sat and then sit with whoever your daughter wants to, no matter which table it is.

[yeOldeTrout]

^that, What Doreen said. OP's DD needs to learn to assert herself more.

[afatalflaw]

You are right she does need to be more assertive. She is just a sweet person who wouldn't behave like this herself and is a bit out of her depth as a result. Thanks for the feedback.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Wow massive over reaction in first reply.

I would encourage your DD to say of course she can sit at table it's a public space. And I'd teach her it's ok to stand up for herself to adults and to tell lunchtime supervisors that she didn't and most importantly couldn't stop the girl sitting at their table.

Unfortunately the child who can turn on the waterworks or who shouts loudest often gets their own way. The good newsboys this does tend to change in year 6 through to secondary.

I think the role playing situations is a great idea. Or perhaps and as well you could find similar situations on to programmes to watch together X