Need help with my tantrums(16 Posts)
I've lost my shit at my ds over the weekend. I'm on my own with him (3yrs) and baby (6 months) and on my period. It's worse when I have pms but not an excuse but my fuse is much shorter than normal.
I hit him on the bum twice with clothes on and was rough with him when he was banging the door loudly (held his arm and moved him away) when I was trying to get baby to sleep (I calmly explained to him to wait and I'll come to him after).
I saw red and hate when I do. I swear and shout. I hate myself for it. Then I leave and when I come back I tell him I'm sorry and I love him.
I want to change. I keep saying next time I'll walk away and cool down.
My mother was a shouter and loved a fight so I've grown up seeing I and thinking it's normal but I want to break the cycle.
Shall I see.my doctor about it or look for a therapist? What can I do?
Pretend you're being filmed. Consciously be the Mum you know should be. Don't hit your child.
Start reading parenting books. Look on Amazon
I'll dig out some books, I've read loads. Orange rhino is my favourite on shouting.
I have neighbours who I know can hear me, still doesn't stop me. I only feel shame and guilt after the red anger has gone
Has anyone seen a therapist to help with their temper? I'm making myself sound v awful. It's not everyday or even every week but when it happens I hate it.
It is bad, but from some one who has been on her own for a child for years on end, take this:
- you NEED some sleep.
Nothing raises your levels of tolerance so much as avoiding being over tired.
I know it's difficult with a baby, so every time baby falls asleep, plonk 3 year old in front of the television and have a nap.
To be honest, you shouldn't be loosing it to the point of lashing against you children. If you think you are about to explode, put baby in cot, and lock yourself in the bathroom/bedroom/garden until you calm down. (But tell 3 year old that mummy needs to be left alone to calm down so he knows what is going on. If he throws a tantrum while you are "off limits" let it be, as long as he is not at risk of hurting himself)
No help from me, but I am the same. Yesterday instead of shouting I picked up the baby and left. DH was in the house. I sat in the car for 10 minutes (nowhere else to go ) and then went back in. Only thing I achieved was my DH finally realising I am massively stressed. Must start taking the happy pills again.
Are you ok when you're not hormonal?? Mine is completely depression and anxiety. So antidepressants do help. If you're struggling regardless of hormones may be worth a trip to the doctors and asking for a bit of help. Or speak to your health visitor
I am fine when not hormonal. I am good at managing tantrums etc. I've just stopped breastfeeding and had my period so feel really hormonal m, depressed, angry etc. I'm taking high dose B Vitamins which helps.
I do need more support and sleep too.
I used to do this OP. I felt so ashamed after but couldn't control myself at the time. I don't do it anymore, and feel so much calmer now.
I think the difference is my kids are now a few years older, so much more reasonable and predictable and more crucially, I am getting sleep. Hormones are also a big factor for me. I read lots of books, and made constant plans to stop myself doing it (pretending I was in company, taking a breath before saying (shouting) anything, etc etc) and it was hard feeling like I was trying to control myself all the time. I think all the reading etc helped over time, but very slowly. The biggest thing that helped was sleep. Also, generally lowering my standards and trying to take a more laid-back approach to life. I think I was always slightly wound-up as my baseline, because I had certain expectations/standards of how my day should go, and of course, with young children, plans often do not work out.
Sorry for the brain-dump. Hope that makes sense. What I am saying is that you are not alone. It's great that you are aware of it and trying to change. There are things you can do but don't expect to completely change overnight. Getting some regular sleep will give you the best results imo.
Oh, and I always made sure I apologised to my children. And explained that I was very wrong and am doing my best to change.
I'm in a similar situation OP, I'm one of four children, when my eldest sister was 6 my youngest sister was born so there's not much between us, my Mum was a stay at home Mum and found it very hard to control us. She was always hitting us, shouting and said some horrible things. People often say "a smack does no harm" but it really does, I've never had a close relationship with her.
Anyway, I have a 2.6 year old and am 36 weeks pregnant. I'm currently off work as it's the summer holidays, DD has just recovered from gastroenteritis (for 2 weeks) and I'm completely drained. I smacked her hand the other day and moved her out of the way roughly because she kept throwing her cereal on the floor. I cried afterwards because it reminded me of my childhood, and I never wanted to be like my Mum. I apologised to her and told her it wasn't a nice thing to do etc..
I'm so scared that it'll happen again, so I'll definitely try some of the advice given in this thread.
www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/handling-anger has some advice you may find helpful. The site also has some great tips on self care.
Thank you. Really helpful responses and I'm sure things will get easier as the baby gets bigger and ds gets older.
I'm looking into hormone balancing for around my period. I wish I could just avoid everyone for that week.
Ds is very emotional, highly strung etc so picks up on it even if I try and hide how I feel and probably acts out which makes me mad.
My parents never hit me so I can't even blame them. It's awful
What's your diet like? My pmt was horrific and I would have massive screaming rows with DH every single month until I gave up refined sugar. No dried fruit, no fruit juice, no chocolate or ice cream or ketchup or bbq sauce or haribo. Now no screaming, no fury, no red mist. The change is quite amazing. I say that as someone with a non sleeping toddler on my knees with tiredness.
Tell yourself when you start to feel angry that you are doing well coping with two young children. It will pass!
I remember being at my wits end and my toddler had a massive, noisy tantrum. Instead of screaming at him I asked if he could give me a hug and I gave him a hug (after he'd thrown a toy at me) I remember trying not to cry.
It'll get better!
Today has been good, we've painted baked and gone to the park so he's done lots. It's the evenings when we are all tired that are hard. I've only yelled at him a couple of times since Thursday. I'm hoping tonight goes smoothly and he goes to bed ok.
My diet is OK. I eat mostly healthy stuff lots of salads etc but I do have a sweet tooth and love cakes and stuff plus I'm underweight and trying to gain weight so usually have lots of snacks around. I'll try and cut down on sugar.
Agree about the refined sugar. I simply cannot have anything sweet in the morning without getting very unsettled, anxious and ravaging with hunger for the rest of the day.
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