Love to have a baby, but.....I have two things which I WORRY about, pls help!

(26 Posts)
littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 17:52:25

Ladies, I need your help and I know I am going to sound a right nightmare but I wasnt sure what forum/chat room to go to for advice or help. Please tell me if I am in the wrong area?

I know falling pregnant and having children there is never a right time, but....

since reaching 41 in February, I felt really low, like pretty much asking myself "what do I have in my life apart from my career?", my parents are wonderfully healthy at 72 and 69, thankfully, but since hitting 40 I was like ouch, I seriously need to find the right person to settle with, like a mid life depression...god I sound so ungrateful as I was single a while beforehand.

I have a great life, honestly, but I have for all those years pretty much focused on my career, built up a business and have a lovely house, yet with my partner who is 49, met him last year, I feel somewhat empty. literally, like when we go out for meals, I am thinking is this it? He said to me, dont you want to explore the world and find out about different cultures?' I said erm not really, I feel I did most of my travelling when I was younger, I just want to settle really and have a little one now....to which he was quite shocked I am not into going away that often. We went away skiing this year and he stressed me as he was so competitive with me it put me off going. Normally I dont feel this way but I pretty much had enough of him by the end of the week whicih is odd.....

He is going to be 50 next year and he worries about his age. He has never wanted children in the past with his 2 ex wives, he was married 19 years with one and 8 with the other, he stayed with the last ex she wanted children he didnt but his step daughter was lovely, he still keeps in contact with her. I asked him on our 2nd date about kids and he said, "well at the moment, I am just enjoying my life, would like to have fun and see places with you, have a nice lifestyle etc!" for me I thought he doesnt want kids.....he wasnt thinking on those terms since breaking from his ex wife. We have a house together and are engaged as we do get on fantastic, until recently since we bought this house in April.

He thinks I wont be able to cope with being pregnant, as I am nervous person and I will miss my career, his words ???? really, hmm I am sure I can work around it as I work from home. He think adoption is a better option because of our lifestyles....thats his opinion.

I am not sure what is going wrong here but I am finding being with my partner everynight after work too much for me and at weekends too where i am literally feeling suffocated. He has no friends and he loves to spend time alone, or with me, which is fine. He loves going out on his bike, his Xbox which he plays with his friends at nights and weekends and goes to his own gym at work during the daytime.

For me, I feel just us living in this lovely house isnt enough. He has no children from his exes apart from a lovely step daughter and when she comes over to see us its like I come alive again. He doesnt see his parents much apart from every few months as he doesnt really get on with them and the same for his brother too who is a nightmare. So I am craving someone who is close to their family, like I am, as mine are just amazing and I see them pretty much all the time.

My problem is I feel empty in this house, i feel like its just not a purpose it needs a family, children or people in it, Its also so quiet with no life here too which makes me feel low and want to be out of it all the time too. Luckily now I am working elsewhere for my business which is great and feel that its now filling in that gap regarding work as I work from home.

I have never really felt the need for children before, until lately, but i am not feeling it anymore with my partner. The reason being he has these moods, if I dont kiss him or give him cuddles or give him affection, he pretty much sulks and when asked whats wrong a huge argument happens, which is what has been happening pretty much every month, every 2/3 weeks to be fair. Its normally around our sex drives, we have never quite sussed out a good basis on that as he is wanting attention on that front pretty much all the time and I felt drained, pressured and angry in the end.

He said the relationship now feels like a 10 year boring marriage and there is no connection anymore, because I dont really do affection, I dont but only sometimes or when I am not working and dont feel pressured by him and he is extremely affectionate which annoys me and puts pressure on me. He knows this by the way.

Sexually too, I am trying to get a balance, if I havent given him sex say in 2 days or 3, he gets moody again and his face is tripping him on the way to work, he also says I dont kiss him properly like I use to when we first got together in the first year. That was our honeymoon period!! hmmm....

So I have changed, I know I have, as we have been cloned to one another all that year, I am feeling now suffocated and need time away from him which can be anywhere between 3 - 5 days alone to hours and I am relaxed when I do this. I also sleep in a separate room as well when I am feeling this way.

So, when I am myself he gets moody and starts going on about the 10 year marriage feel and no connection. Which I get, as we may have fallen into a pattern but I get no enjoyment out of just going out for dinner, or doing the same things, but when I give him what he wants ie attention i feel suffocated, and angry like I am not myself. Which I have told him about but he just throws it in my face saying, you lied to me then for a year pretending to be someone you arent.

Now I sit upstairs in my study upset and angry, we dont talk when things get like this as I find myself not getting anywhere or understood. I just want to settle down, have a child and get on with life, not be questioned as to why I am not kissing him daily, having sex every day or not cuddling him as well as reassuring him that we are ok, as he feels he needs this.

argghhhhh....sorry I am normally a happy person, at the age of 41 I still look young and maybe I am resenting not being with someone near my age, is 42/43 too old to have a child as I am not sure where this is going or if my feelings are strong enough for him now....I have definitely changed but I feel I am now being true to myself, and wanting to see friends, family and do things I enjoy as well as really settle down. I feel he just craves going away a lot, travelling, skiing etc as he loves doing all that and did before he met me with his job/armed forces/submariner.

rant over.....am I being a nightmare? sorry

PotteringAlong Sat 20-Aug-16 17:54:43

It is not the relationship for you. If you feel like this now after 12 months together having a baby will absolutely not improve matters.

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 17:55:50

its true I do feel like this and weirdly its getting worse over the months since we moved house....!!

Saladfox Sat 20-Aug-16 17:58:46

What are you actually asking? Should you stay in this obviously unhappy relationship? Should you have a child in this obviously unhappy relationship? I would say a resounding 'no' to both, but as this isn't actually about parenting, I would ask MNHQ to move it to the 'Relationships' forum, where it may get more and better responses.

ElspethFlashman Sat 20-Aug-16 17:59:38

1) You are badly broody.

2) You and your partner are not suited.

3) You may well have a couple of more years to conceive but don't have a kid with a sulker.

4) He doesn't want kids in the slightest.

5) Whilst with him, you won't have a child with anyone else!

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:00:41

Hi, I guess I am just frustrated and my partner is saying to me, ok lets have a child, but because I am not feeling him as such or feeling any happiness I think it would make matters worse, Sorry I havent been the best at explaining, I am just so down at the moment regarding him.

PotteringAlong Sat 20-Aug-16 18:01:53

Then you need to ignore any thought of baby and work out whether you want to be with him or not first

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:02:47

I am badly broody, which trust me is a first in my life....I am spending so many hours with my friends with their children, I dont want to be away from them...then when I come home I feel empty!
yes I think if I stay it will only prolong the issue more re children, he definitely wants a life of freedom, travel, I really dont!

I think his moods would just drive me mental....

ijustwannadance Sat 20-Aug-16 18:04:01

He clearly doesn't want a baby op. He sounds like a child himself.

You already know it isn't going to work out. You both want different things. Be true to yourself.

PotteringAlong Sat 20-Aug-16 18:04:03

But being badly broody is not the same issue as having a baby with him. if you want to have a baby have a baby, but not with this man.

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:07:42

You know I agree, he did admit he was still a child, I am putting this down to his moods more than anything....I am now being true to myself which he is angry about, saying I lied when we first met, mind you, I was different back then and things have changed now for me....! thank you for your replies

Saladfox Sat 20-Aug-16 18:09:26

I'm not entirely sure you are entirely disentangling 'broody' from 'feeling bored, frustrated and empty in a deeply unideal relationship', either. You sound thoroughly confused - on the one hand you say you are dying for a baby, but not with your partner (who sounds like a nightmare), and you say you have a great life, but describe boredom, frustration and emptiness.

For the love of God, don't consider either trying to have a baby or adopting until you sort your head out. Would you even be considering a baby if you were happier with your partner? Have you never considered having a child before now?

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:15:45

Saladfox,

i know im completely confused. I am happy with my job, career, my life, friends, lifestyle and look after my health/fitness and love all those things, but, when at home with my partner, I am not I feel suffocated and hate to say bored. I am more interested in doing other things or being with others/alone. I have wanted a child last year but not before no, I feel I am in a different place in my life lately and admitted I wanted to sort out my career first when I was in my thirties etc...

TheHoneyBadger Sat 20-Aug-16 18:25:12

i think it is perhaps all connected re: since realising you want a child, want life to move forward and onwards and accepting he doesn't (and by the sound of it wants to be the child himself with all of your ((mummy's)) attention) you are growing further and further apart from him and knowing it won't work.

tbh i find it incredibly weird that he doesn't want you to carry a child and would rather you adopted - i'm not understanding his weird rationalisation of that but feeling it could be more to do with this 'you're his' and carrying a child would mean your body belonging to someone else?

dunno.

definitely don't sound happy with him though and i think it sounds like you need to go separate ways.

you can have a child on your own you know. if you are financially stable i would go ahead and have a child through a clinic on your own if i were you and your age.

i'm 40 myself, with a 9yo i have raised alone, and some of the feelings you describe i can recognise from before i had my son.

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:33:38

TheHoneyBadger

Wow yes, spot on, thank you. Its so nice to hear you are perhaps similar and I have no issue raising one by myself at all, I know I would have a lot of support too if need be, but there is something about him being a child himself that does put me off. I feel its attention based completely, if I was to get pregnant, I am wondering if it would make him worse or get more upset because the attention isnt on him. That was my first initial thought. I guess its not my problem he doesnt have a life which involves others outside of me. I think its a shame, at times I feel sorry for him, but I need someone who is a man, strong and ready to settle, not a child themselves who needs mothered!!!
I am not getting the adoption thing either, thinking its because he doesnt want to go through the baby cycle again like he had when he was in his second marriage raising his step daughter from 2 - 10 years old.

Thats exactly right, I want my life to move forward now, we have the house and I am ready for the next stage, but its like he is pushing me back or holding me back as he just drains me wanting attention or reassurance if I havent been 100% there for him....

you have been very helpful, really you have, sounds like you are very happy and I bet you have raised your child wonderfully on your own.

Saladfox Sat 20-Aug-16 18:34:49

But if you knew you wanted a child and that time was running out, why get together with a man who told you he definitely didn't want children on your second date? Or are you saying you only started wanting a child after that relationship started?

It's pretty clear that you can't have a child in this relationship, so I suppose what you need to consider is whether you want a child badly enough to end it and either hope to meet someone else while you're still fertile, or go have a child alone?

Saladfox Sat 20-Aug-16 18:37:30

And if he harps on adopting as if it's some kind of magic solution, point out that it could involve your child having significant additional issues and needing very intensive/therapeutic parenting - only someone who really hadn't thought about it would consider it some kind of easy fix, and it sounds as if he wouldn't survive the assessment process!

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:53:29

Weirdly he changed his mind when I brought it up last week, saying he did want a child, and that men dont discuss wanting children on dates near the beginning. I have known many men, who have in fact brought it up from the start!

I have only really wanted it more re a child in the last few months!

Saladfox Sat 20-Aug-16 18:59:25

Honestly, OP, I had been together with my DH for well over a decade before we had our son, and it still stressed our very happy, strong and equal relationship. You seem to be in a fairly new, not happy relationship with a sullen, attention-seeking man-child who blows hot and cold on the subject of children, but in any case sounds unreliable and unpleasant and as thought you 'owe' him sex. That's not going to work.

ElspethFlashman Sat 20-Aug-16 19:08:03

It's not a bit wierd. He's hitting 50, has little socially except you, and now you're pulling away.

He's twigged it may be the baby thing. So if he says he's up for it maybe you'll relax again and be like you used to be.

He doesn't think there's much likelihood of it happening so no harm.

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 19:10:20

Given your age, I'd get out of that relationship as soon as possible. He sounds horrible, tbh!

Whether you meet someone and have your own child or whether you meet someone who has a family, it's clear you'd be happier with someone who had a close family of some kind. This man just isn't very nice at all and doesn't give you anything that you need.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sat 20-Aug-16 19:19:34

Your time realistically is running out to have kids so you need to get on that, but this man sounds like a child himself so I wouldn't have one with him. Time is of the essence so I think you need to make a decision fairly swiftly.

littleme2675 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:27:00

Thanks everyone, I know I do need to get my act in gear and sort this out. I am finding myself getting rather angry for the sake of it around him which isnt like me, I find I say something and a response which just winds me up even more. So, I think because my craving to settle and be with someone who is close to their family or had children of their own is so bad, I am going to sort this soon. I just wished he was close to his family, really wanted one and stopped putting thoughts into my head or changing his mind and emotions...
He is a child, isnt he?
Time is running out...gosh I sound 60!!

TheHoneyBadger Sun 21-Aug-16 09:42:43

you don't sound 60 no - you sound 40 and that is the reality - fertility and chances of a healthy pregnancy are declining rapidly - that's not dramatic but realistic. don't let this drift.

T0ddlerSlave Sun 21-Aug-16 19:03:44

Sounds like hormones to me. Your body is telling you it's last chance saloon before it's too late.

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