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It's hit me like a ton of bricks

(8 Posts)
AlexRose5 Tue 16-Aug-16 22:26:36

Hello MN flowers
I wanted to speak out about something that from what I see online is not as unique to me as I initially thought. When I met my husband, I already had a son aged 4 from a previous relationship and he had two daughters, a two year old and 11 month old. We came together as a busy but happy family and after a year I fell pregnant on our son. The birth was rather traumatic, rapid labour (on due date, didn't expect that lol) resulting in us zooming to the hospital to find they'd locked the doors and we couldn't get anyone's attention, so I basically gave birth in a car park in the rain . I Lost a heck of a lot of blood and DS was very cold by the time they let us in blush When he was 8months he contracted Kawasakis disease and we thought we were going to loose him or he would have heart problems for life. Thank God he recovered well although he has some health problems, it could have been so much worse. Roll on three years , and I fall pregnant on or little surprise baby (contraception failed) we thought we had completed our family but we were excited to welcome our little surprise. Rapid labour again only this time I was 8 days overdue and my youngest was huge, so it was difficult to say the least. Something didn't sit right from the moment I held him, and it's killing me a little inside to type this but I feel it could help another mum going through the same thing. I did not get that rush of love that I got with my other two.i thought he was lovely and went through the motions of feeding and caring for him, but it almost felt like he was not mine. I felt very guilty, very ashamed that I felt this way and it ate away at me each day until he was 12 weeks old. Customary to my husbands faith, a baby has a haircut and the hair is weighed, the weight is converted to a monetary sum and given to a charity. We did it with our other son and I was happy to help a good cause and support my husband in his faith. But with my youngest I just snapped at the suggestion much to my husbands bewilderment (I had been making a determined effort to hide how I was feeling) I broke down to him and it all came flooding out, I didn't want him to cut his hair because I was afraid I wouldn't recognise him, and I was struggling to bond with him as it was. My husband couldn't have been more supportive, he reassured me I wasn't evil or heartless that sometimes especially after a lot of trauma we don't deal with things as we normally would, which actually made me feel more guilty in a way, because he was being so understanding yet I expected hi to be horrified at me. He insisted I speak to my midwife and in hindsight I know it would have been the right thing to do, but I was adamant I would deal with it myself (secretly terrified admitting it would have my baby taken away!) I knew i was functioning well as his mother, but I was not embracing being his "mummy" ... It was like a dark shadow on my heart every day until recently (he's now a year and a half!) He toddled down the hall and waved his little chubby hand and says Hello Mammy! It crushed me. Right there and then every bit of love I feared I'd never feel just came flooding in and I sobbed my heart out . Hugged him and kissed his gorgeous cheeks like I owed him a year and a half worth of it. The guilt has not gone away, but the love has come ten fold and I feel like I can be the mum he deserves. The reason for my thread is , the guilt and the Shame and the fear prevented me from speaking out properly and getting support from HV or midwives or even friends , and who knows maybe if I spoke out it would have helped much sooner than this and I wouldn't feel like I have so much time I need to make up to him. I have tears in my eyes typing this because he is my absolute teddy bear now and if just one mum feeling how i felt reads this and seeks help, then something good has come of it. Don't let shame or fear stop you from reaching out. Mums are human too! flowers xxx

Cavogirl Tue 16-Aug-16 22:47:32

Wow. Well done OP.
It really helps to hear honest accounts of difficult times. Especially in the fb everything is perfect world.
I hope you have a much better time of it going forward flowersflowers

AlexRose5 Tue 16-Aug-16 23:58:04

Cavogirl thank you flowers Things have become a lot brighter now absolutely smile. It just saddens me to see how easily one day became another and another for me and I was constantly chastising myself for not feeling "correctly" . I have been doing my utmost to make it up to the little fella, he's so lovely, my heart is broken that it took so long for me to snap out of it. I would just encourage other mums that might be feeling that way to speak up and get support. Far too many mums out there being so critical of themselves for not fitting, (to use your words) into fb everything is perfect . We're not all programmed the same and we all deal with life differently. flowers

kavvLar Wed 17-Aug-16 00:03:56

flowers glad to hear you have made it through the tough times

justonesherryformedicinalpurpo Wed 17-Aug-16 22:02:10

A beautiful post OP.
I am finding it a little hard to accept the newest addition to our family. I am elated to have her but just finding having two babies under two rather difficult and this was post lovely to read and very eye opening. Thank you.

AlexRose5 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:39:27

Thank you kavvLar flowers flowers

scrumptiouscrumpets Thu 18-Aug-16 18:23:27

It's wonderful that you're being so open about your feelings! I think many new mums would feel a lot better if there was more honesty about some of the difficult aspects of being a parent. Wishing you all the best!

AlexRose5 Thu 18-Aug-16 19:20:37

Thanks scrumptiousscrumpets flowers (love the name btw 😊)
It's been a big source of shame for me for too long and in hindsight I know that was a very counterproductive perspective. I think the fear that id be seen as some awful person that didn't deserve her beautiful baby and someone would swoop in and take him away sad. That fear was very very real and it makes me shudder even now. I'd like to know other mums out there feeling the same way will step up and ask for support flowers

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