Would you say I am being unreasonable?(26 Posts)
Hi all I am due to give birth to my son in October and I am excited! I have planned everything already. I am taking a year off my university, then going back when he is old enough to go to creche while I am at university. My partner is very keen on having his mum come to stay here for a few months to help "look after the baby" such as feeding, changing, bathing, cooking, cleaning the house... I said well she may as well take him full time then because as a Mum, that's my job! Now he said I am unreasonable and that I won't be able to handle all the responsibility while he is at work. I find that extremely offensive considering that he is my baby as well and I am more than capable of looking after him! He is just acting like a total bell-end and I don't know what to do! Am I right in refusing to have help? He said I cannot keep him wrapped in cotton wool which is a ridiculous statement because I am not! I want to do the things a mother should do but how can I bond with my son if his mum comes and stays for months on end and possibly take over my job role?
I would hate anyone to come and stay with me for months on end let alone just after having a new baby, especially someone that isn't my own family/friend, so for that YANBU. However, I am confused about whether you are saying she will be staying before you return to uni or afterwards. If it is afterwards, surely it is little different to having a nanny or childcare anyway? If it is before, and you don't mind her staying at your house do such a long time, maybe you will appreciate having someone else to clean the house, allow you to catch up on sleep, and do things without constantly having a baby attached to you, so don't write it off completely yet.
Personally though, there is no way I would agree to it because it would be far more stressful for me than helpful but everyone is different.
FuzzyOwl she will be coming as soon as baby is born and going back when her travel visa is nearly expired as she lives in a different country
Have the biggest row you've ever had if needs be. Make this your line in the sand. Do not let it happen. The baby does not need two mothers.
No no no no. Not my mum, not my mil, not anyone.
No YANBU! I'd be massively offended if DH suggested that I needed his mother around to be able to cope when he was out of the house. Maybe you'll appreciate some visits for respite when the time comes but that's a different matter to be discussed later. Absolutely put your foot down - you will look after your baby. Why on earth would he think you'd want your MIL there for months on end, potentially under the impression that she's been called in to demonstrate to you how you should raise your child?
In some cultures I believe it would be expected that a relative would come and stay straight after the birth to allow the mother time to recover. I'm sure I read somewhere that Chinese mothers would be expected to stay in bed for a month (not sure if that's still common now mind you). So is this a clash of expectations here, perhaps?
Personally I was very glad to have DH at home for the first two weeks but, nice as MiL is I wouldn't have wanted her there permanently. I needed to be able to be totally vulnerable after the birth and not to have to put a brave face on how battered I felt. Couldn't have done that with MiL.
Were those his words: "You won't be able to handle all the responsibility"
That would make me question his loyalty and show that he is very controlling.
Ps Hang on, cooking and cleaning the house? Has he got two broken arms? HE needs to be stepping up to that one, not his mother!
Which culture is he from?
I would say you should be well able to look after that baby in your own. It duesntbhavr mean you wouldn't appreciate the help from his mum though!
Yes in some cultures, the mother should be allowed to rest for a couple of month after the birth whilst her MIL runs around doing the cleaning etc...
I'm suspicious of his comments though. 'You won't bevablebto cope' to start with and the idea your MIL will be the one doing the feeds etc... Does he mean she will look after the baby whilst your role will be to look after her (and him) ensuring the cooking/cleaning/washing is done?
Nope nope nope nope nope!
Big fat stinking NOPE!
Do not agree to this.
However I worry that she will visit to see the baby (as most grandparents would) and then just keep finding excuses to stay. Like telling your partner you aren't coping etc.
A few months?!!!
You can't handle you're own baby?!!!
What a total fuckwit.
A couple of weeks to do the hoovering, washing, ironing, batch cooking. Yeah, fine. Few months to parent your first child for you because you can't handle it. Err... I don't fucking think so!!
I suggest you tell him that it's a very definite 'no'. And if she turns up, you and baby will be living elsewhere.
This is very common in many other cultures - perhaps where he / his mother is from?
Point out to him that thousands, nay millions of mothers before him have managed to look after a baby on their own, some of them gasp are single mothers!
He can do his bit like cooking or doing some washing or cleaning when he comes home. You can nap when you want with the baby and if it's too much he can haul his arse out of bed and do a couple of night feeds at the weekend if needed.
I would be fuming if someone decided that I should have a relative forced on me for a couple of months when I'd just had a baby. No one I know has had their mum or mil come to stay for that long to take over.
Just say NO.
Tell your man u have more confidence in yourself than he obviously has!! Him at work will be a bonus as u don't need him making u feel more crap than he has manged already - and if his dm visits then he needs to be taking time off work coz u aren't dealing with her and a baby anytime soon!!
OP, you mention visas...is this a cultural thing? I know grandparents play a big role in helping raise babies/keep house in other cultures.
Fwiw, my mil who is great stayed for 10 days after the birth of our DD, she cooked, cleaned, stocked our freezer and sorted our flat out, plus kept my DH company as I had an ECS and was in hospital for a few days. I found that super helpful but was happy when she left and the three of us got to hang out by ourselves.
It's so personal, but if it doesn't work for you I'd tell my DH to do one - of course you can take care of your baby!
He is Indian so not sure if that's their culture or not. As much as I love his mum and get on with her so well, I really don't want this to happen and I just want to enjoy being a mum and being with my baby! we do it half and half. We both clean and cook so I am capable of doing it! Just don't know why he doesn't think I can't.. Well I am presuming that's what he thinks!
Nope. No way. His attitude of saying you won't be able to handle looking after your baby is awful!!
I met a few Indian women whilst pregnant and they both had their mothers coming to stay for months after their babies were born, and they were helping with everything - feeding, changing, cooking - all the stuff you mentioned. They told me it's very typical.
Given that, you can see where he's coming from...but...if that isn't your cup of tea then you have to say so. Certainly wouldn't be mine. It's a long journey but could she come for a couple of weeks after the baby has arrived and you have had a chance to find your own routine?
You don't become a mother to pass baby and responsibilities on, I would be highly offended by this!! Not unreasonable at all!!
From your update about him being Indian I understand why he's said it, an Indian friend of mine had his mother to stay but as it was her culture too she didn't see it as a problem. But you do, so you need to tell him so. Insinuating that you can't look after the baby on your own is insulting also, everyone else manages.
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