I almost punched him or worse

[Losingmyboy]

I have just seriously lost my shit and I desperately need to get this out before I actually lose it.

I just saw red, I saw red so much I literally felt like I could have beat him to a pulp.

Two of the older kids were jumping on my OH and fooling around, when one did something minor she shouldn't have and was told to get off. He then proceeded to cuddle and make a fuss of the other, rubbing it in her face and making snide hurtful remarks and generally behaving like a bully. She then retreats into a corner and starts to sob as quietly as she can, her little heart breaking, her arms wrapped around herself. I leave the sound to reach everyone for a minute to see if he will react - nothing. He just continues and I hear my other child start to giggle which is left allowed and causes her to cry even harder. I ask her whats wrong, she said Daddy isn't letting me cuddle him and he's making fun of me.

I simply couldn't let it slide, something inside of me snapped and I had to intervene. I told him she was upset, to which he responded that she was knew why she was pushed out and there was no need for her 'silly crying' and laughed at her, my other child joining in.

I lost it.... I remember that feeling when you have a strong sense of emotion as a child and you feel like you're breaking and like the world is falling apart and the one person you expect to make you feel safe and ok and bring some rationale into the situation, your parent, doesn't. I remember that feeling of being the unwanted child, the non-favourite.

I lost my shit. I knew the pain and I couldn't let him do it to her. I told him that her feelings were not silly, she was entitled to FEEL. She is entitled to EMOTIONS and not to be belittled for expressing them in a way that was in no means unacceptable. She was genuinely upset and he was ignoring it and making her feel worse. He plays them off each other a lot and it's totally unfair.

I realised then that he was ignoring her feelings, like he ignores mine. I saw an evil streak in him that I've seen a few times before, a bully streak. A controlling streak. I got mad. Very mad. I tried to force him to recognise her hurt and he just started behaving like a child, screaming over the top of me and making everything worse.

I probably didn't help.... I felt the burning urge to protect her from this hurt and he simply only cared about his own feelings of being told off.

I know I shouldn't have raised it in front of the kids. I know I should have managed it better, but I couldn't watch her pain and do nothing. I came so close to punching him in the face. I honestly wanted to cause him physical harm. If the children were not there, I think I may have.

I am 16 weeks pregnant and I have just lost my job, he has been no support to me emotionally and is draining me of everything I have at the minute. He is behaving like a fourth child and he's so much hard work. I feel I have to babysit him a lot on how not to be a bully and how not to be so controlling over them. I have to reverse all the damage he does, making them feel like they need to pen their emotions and not let them out, every single day. I try to teach him kids need to feel and need to be allowed to tell their parents how they are feeling or they will be emotionally unstable as teenagers or adults - he doesn't get it. He doesn't care. He just wants to control.

My overwhelming sense of protection showed me today something very scary, that a woman will literally do anything to protect their kids and I really did scare myself.

I really want to be able to talk to him and explain how damaging his behaviour is, but I don't think he will listen, from past experience... so in a way I want him to just go. I need to cool down. I will do anything for my kids, and no person, certainly no man will ever be allowed to damage them.

Sorry..... if you made it this far you are an amazing person

[Timetogrowup2016]

Seems a bit ott the top to Me ?
She had been naughty and told to off.
Yes he shouldn't of been laughing though

[monkeywithacowface]

Well he doesn't sound great but "the world is falling apart"? Sorry but WAY OTT there. You should have jus gone over and given her a hug a taken her off somewhere and then taken your dh to task in private.

[Losingmyboy]

OTT - Children are not rational, so what to an adult might seem like minor really can feel like 'the world is falling apart', particularly when you feel a deep sense of hurt when you are young.

Having worked with NSPCC we had it drummed into us, repeatedly, the real effects and meaning of emotional abuse:

"Emotional abuse can involve deliberately trying to scare or humiliate a child or isolating or ignoring them"

He was absolutely deliberately trying to humiliate, isolate & ignore her all at once, that caused the reaction it did. I have heard too many children talk about how this sort of treatment made them feel and it really did hit me hard.

I didn't manage it well, I should have managed it much better - I really didn't expect it to happen

[EndodSummerLooming]

I don't know love. It's worrying you comment he can be a bully. You didn't handle it well but we don't always. Do you think that's what he wanted?

You don't sound happy. That's a concern.

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

and what benefit do you suppose seeing the pair of you raging, losing your shit has done for her?

grow the fuck up, and leave this idiot if he's making you unhappy, that's no shining example to any of the children either is it?

Or is it only stuff that he does that is unacceptable?

Sounds to me like you both totally overreacted on all counts, and if there are other issues then deal with them

[Losingmyboy]

No need for the bad language Tonde.

I didn't rage or shout.... I just said I wanted to punch him. He was the only one to shout. The reason I don't shout? Because I don't want my kids seeing that... Losing my shit was saying anything about his parenting in earshot of the kids, which I would never normally do and although that's far from perfect (I am far from perfect!), I hardly think it was on the same par...

[MephistoMarley]

Is he emotionally abusive to you and the children?

[TheLegendOfBeans]

Oh my god

PEOPLE! The OP has evidently used this outlet to vent in rather than causing a humongous incident at home...Jesus this place is getting nasty.

OP; I can't add anything practical except I've been that angry with a partner before (different situation). It sounds toxic and adding a pregnancy into the mix I'd imagine makes it all harder.

I could sit here and ask if you have spoken to your GP, have you family support, have you considered relationship counselling but I don't think that you're looking for that.

I think you just needed to let off some steam here rather than at your OH and surely that's what MN is here for?

[justpeachy74]

Well put Legend.
OP obviously just needs to vent. I'm not sure why people feel the need to dive in with abrupt shitty responses. No need.
It sounds as if DH enjoys winding people up. Difficult not to take the bait especially when your protective instinct kicks in.

[hownottofuckup]

I understand the feeling you are talking about, the 'world falling apart and the one person you thought would care doesn't' it shouldn't be mocked, it is a feeling and it is valid.
I couldn't bear to see my child bullied by anyone. And personally, I think you did the right thing letting your child see you defend her.
The rage probably comes partly from your own experiences, partly from you wanting to protect her and possibly partly also from hormones.
I think you did well though, not to dismiss her feelings/shy away from getting involved.

[BertieBotts]

You may want to ask for this to be moved to Relationships rather than Parenting. I don't think it's a parenting issue.

(Sorry I don't have anything else to add but )

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" He plays them off each other a lot and it's totally unfair."
Unfair. Damaging to their relationship with each other. Damaging to their relationship with him. Damaging to their self-esteem all the way into adulthood.

"I realised then that he was ignoring her feelings, like he ignores mine. I saw an evil streak in him that I've seen a few times before, a bully streak. A controlling streak."
So basically he's no good for them and he's no good for you. Now you have to decide - what are you going to do with that kknowledge? Because you have to do something.

[Losingmyboy]

Thank You Legend, I felt 10x better after a good old vent. I didn't scream or shout, though inside I felt like I was going to burst! My feelings quickly calmed down after the vent.

I realised quickly he doesn't have the knowledge about child development I do. I have more insight than he does because of my work and he didn't have a great childhood at all. I am much more equipped for understanding emotional damage. I apologised for raising it in front of the kids, because that was handling it in completely the wrong way, I just reacted in protective mother mode. I explained I didn't consider that he might have not been aware just how damaging it could be. I have asked him to really research what this sort of behaviour can do and consider the damage his actions could cause, so he knows now.

He's taking some time away from home, I think questioning his actions has really hit him hard - which although I wanted him to realise he was hurting her, I didn't want to hurt him in that process. He gets very defensive when his actions are put in to question, so my handling of it really didn't help.

[Losingmyboy]

Thank you everyone.

Yes absolutely my reaction is probably a mixture of seeing my own hurt self as a child, mixed with the stories from other children hurting I have helped and I reacted out of protection not only for my own child, but myself as a child when I couldn't protect myself and the kids that I couldn't protect when it would have mattered.

No child should feel like their emotions are not valid, or that they should feel ashamed of them. Even when the kids have been in trouble, I still ensure they know their emotions are understood and very much allowed. I don't like getting in to trouble either after all.

I need to calm the protective mother instincts down though, these hormones are making them lightening speed..... Any advice?!!

[Haffdonga]

He sounds like a nasty bully. I'm not surprised you lost your shit. Not good to do it in front of the dcs though so you both need to try get out of damaging patterns.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Your dd was naughty was told and cried. You obviously have unresolved issues from your childhood but what you have written does not sound like bullying.

[Haffdonga]

I disagree seven . To deliberately exclude one child by encouraging the other to laught at them together sounds very like bullying to me.

Yes tell off a naughty child but never ever encourage another to gang up and laugh at them

[AndNowItsSeven]

Where did her oh encourage the other child to gang up and laugh? If a one child behaves badly and the other doesn't the child behaving badly should receive positive attention.

[Losingmyboy]

She wasn't crying because she was told off, she was crying because he was excluding her from affection AND making fun of her, rubbing it in that her sister was getting attention and getting the older child to join in on it too.

Even if she were upset at being told off, that is still a feeling that she is allowed to express, wether she is in the wrong or not. In no way should someone say "her feelings are stupid" to then go on to rub it in and make a point of her exclusion is very damaging and very upsetting. It doesn't teach my elder daughter compassion in any way either.

[Haffdonga]

Here

He then proceeded to cuddle and make a fuss of the other, rubbing it in her face and making snide hurtful remarks

[Losingmyboy]

"when one did something minor she shouldn't have and was told to get off. He then proceeded to cuddle and make a fuss of the other, rubbing it in her face and making snide hurtful remarks and generally behaving like a bully. She then retreats into a corner and starts to sob as quietly as she can, her little heart breaking, her arms wrapped around herself."

" I told him she was upset, to which he responded that she was knew why she was pushed out and there was no need for her 'silly crying' and laughed at her, my other child joining in."

[Evilstepmum01]

I think you're a really thoughtful mum and am impressed that you recognised your daughters feelings and defended her.
Its likely that your hormones caused you to lose your shit, thats ok, you're pregnant.
It doesnt take away from the fact your OH is disgusting treating your daughter like that and emotionally bullying you. I remember the deep hurt of my parent not recognising my feelings and its left me emotionally scarred. I love that you tried to protect your daughter from this.
If your OH cant learn to treat you and your kids kindly and encourage their self-esteem, I would seriously start to consider leaving. For your daughter as much as for you.
Perhaps you could ask your midwife for advice? Give your girl a hug from me and I hope your OH gave her a hug and spoke to her too. xx

[AndNowItsSeven]

Sorry child behaving well should revive positive attention.

[BapsOfSteel]

I think you were right to bring it up in front of her. She knows someone cares and won't bully her.

What are you going to do long run though if you really believe he is bullying your children?

[Atenco]

Obviously one incident can be got over, and I do think it is good, in this case, that you confronted your dh in front of your children, thus letting the crying one know that the way she was being treated wasn't on and the laughing one understand that joining in with bullying behaviour is wrong.

But it seems awfully sad that he frequently plays them off against each other. Your children have this wonderful gift of siblings, but he is ruining it for them.