Would you be happy with your dcs living with an adult who had a severe eating disorder?

(192 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 14:52:18

I'm not happy about it personally, mainly because I was lied to by omission by my ex. He didn't inform me his new partner was affected in this way before he gained regular weekly overnight stays. Dcs are coming home talking about how both he and new partner "think they're fat but they're not" how they're "on a diet that's supposed to have ended but it's still going on". (New partner is stick thin). Youngest has been sticking his fingers down his throat til he's sick. What should I do? I can't break court order by not letting them stay with them. Do I have grounds to go back to court and try to change it? AIBU?

DerekSprechenZeDick Sun 07-Aug-16 14:53:37

I'd go back to court and mention what your children have been saying and doing.

I'd also speak to ex and tell him it's affecting your children

WorraLiberty Sun 07-Aug-16 14:56:15

How old are your kids?

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 14:58:33

They're primary and nursery aged.

I can't really communicate without ex being aggressive towards me. Even about how many clothes I've packed for them when they stay with him, let alone this. When I tried, he said he hadn't told me because 'it was all in the past.' I'm not sure that was the real reason he didn't tell me.hmm

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:00:02

Or the court. He did say she had ME, but that was it. That may well have been a smokescreen for her looking pale and ill.

Potplant Sun 07-Aug-16 15:01:50

That's so fuxked up.
My sis has ED and she doesn't eat in front of the children in the family as she doesn't want them to get the idea that her meals are normal in any way. she certainly wouldn't be passing comment about anyone's weight or encouraging dcs to be sick. She'd be heartbroken if any of her neices, nephews of God children followed in her footsteps.

NeedACleverNN Sun 07-Aug-16 15:02:43

I would definitely go back to court and re-arrange your order..

If your youngest is already being affected to the point of sticking his fingers down his throat, then it could be very dangerous being around this woman

comedycentral Sun 07-Aug-16 15:03:27

Could you ask social services for advice?

OliviaBenson Sun 07-Aug-16 15:04:29

Before court, go see your gp and get your concerns documented. Make it official and that will help in the long run.

itsmine Sun 07-Aug-16 15:07:13

'Youngest has been sticking his fingers down his throat til he's sick'

That's really odd because from what I know of those with eating disorders they hide their behaviour so where have they seen that?

I would have the same concerns as I would if they were staying with anyone with mh problems.All you can do is monitor and ask ex not to have them exposed to any unhealthy eating habits. If the new dp lives with ex and you can prove the dc are affected then I'm sure any court order would have to be reviewed.

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:07:24

Thanks everyone. Yes, I'll speak to the GpP about DS. I'm sure I'll get told it's 'just a phase'. I don't know if that would be the appropriate person to speak with about the comments re diet etc though?

juneau Sun 07-Aug-16 15:08:06

I think I'd talk to your GP about your DC's behaviour, the SW (if you have one), and your solicitor. Its very worrying in such young DC and no, I would be devastated if my DC were coming home from access visits having had this kind of information put in their heads. Its wrong, wrong, wrong and extremely damaging. Something needs to be done to address it immediately.

ABloodyDifficultWoman Sun 07-Aug-16 15:14:16

Your child has witnessed someone making themselves sick? And decided to copy it? How many times has this happened? Seems a very odd thing to copy hmm

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:14:51

We don't have a SW although I'm starting to feel we may need one at this rate. It is fucked up, and his attitude is so wrong. He just doesn't seem to give a shit.

Anonymouses Sun 07-Aug-16 15:16:20

Living with someone with an eating disorder isn't an issue in some circumstances eg if it's being treated and kids are not exposed to the extreme behaviour and being given the impression that it is normal behaviour is neither good nor healthy. To be honest it sounds like instead of him helping her he may have become ill himself and thus neither of them think the behaviour is abnormal.

In these circumstances I would actually call social services or a health visitor is you have one and ask for advice. You are just trying to do your best for your kids and they should support that. Social services are not just there to take kids away. Social workers can and do get involved to head off problems. It's far better for them to help you take steps to keep this under control now than have to intervene later if your child starts starving themselves.

Anonymouses Sun 07-Aug-16 15:17:12

You can just call social services you don't need to have been assigned a social worker and nor may you end up with one.

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:18:14

No, I have no idea what he's seen. I know only what I've seen him do. I'm not sure what would be odd about a child copying any learned behaviour tbh. Monkey see, monkey do. Have you never heard someone else's toddler swear and thought how awful it was to be brought up that way?!

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:21:08

anonymous he was always controlling about food, not to the piint where i would say he had a disorder himself, or where it affected the kids, but then I was a mitigating influence when we together. It sounds like this new relationship is one where they reinforce each other's unhealthy attitudes.

itsmine Sun 07-Aug-16 15:23:05

'Have you never heard someone else's toddler swear and thought how awful it was to be brought up that way?!'

Yes but ive never heard of anyone with an eating disorder make themselves sick in front of people. They act very covertly.

Perhaps in this very rare instance the exs new dp is doing it in front of everyone, or is it more wishful thinking to disrupt overnight stays?

Kr1stina Sun 07-Aug-16 15:27:16

Can I just ask why you are packing clothes for them to go there ? Surely it's his job for have clothes, toys and bedding there for them ?

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:29:30

Wow, itsmine. Yes, my heart's desire is to have sole charge of my exhausting bundles if joy, all day every day, without any form of support or break. (Said no single parent ever).

I dream of having someone to share the burdens and co-parent with. Unfortunately ex isn't that person. Now if you've just come here to pick a fight you can move along. Nothing to see here.

bibbitybobbityyhat Sun 07-Aug-16 15:30:06

Why dont you talk to your ex about your ds sticking his fingers down his throat and ask him where he might have picked up this behaviour? I have never heard of a bulimic purging themselves in public, so it all seems highly unlikely to me.

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:32:22

Kristina, thats strange that you would expect my children to dress only in different clothes rather than take some of their favourite things from home. Do you have first hand experience of this yourself?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryPicking Sun 07-Aug-16 15:34:53

Bibbity, didn't you see the bit where I said he was agressive, controlling and impossible to communicate with. Just because you think it's unlikely doesn't mean it didn't happen. I think there's some not so subtle troll hunting going on on my thread and I'm not happy about it.

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