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Becoming a single Mummy- Bigamy- To forgive or not??

(101 Posts)
Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 07:58:06

Hello there.
I'm writing because it's been the week from hell and I need advice. I have a 3 year old daughter and a week ago I believed I had a family and a husband.

The marriage (or not) wasn't going very well. Lots of lies on his behalf, no trust, but I did and do love him very much.
We took a break this week which I believed might be permanent, and we discussed the future (me and add staying in the house, maintainance etc)
2 days after him leaving I felt a little stronger, but missed the family being together, missed him too.
I stuck with my guns and continued with the break apart/separation.
2 days ago he admitted to me that he was not divorced when he got married to me 3 years ago. Altogether we've been together 11 years!!

I am gob smacked, gutted, broken. I put my everything into being a good wife to him, our wedding cost a bomb and many came to witness our happy day. It was all a lie :'-(

I have not reported him. I want him to be a part of dds life, not banged up. He's in the army.

Is there any way you guys think there could be forgiveness for this when the hurt stops?
He wants to come back, live in the family home and be 'partners' so we can still be a family. I've said no right now, because I'm still hurting so badly, but I'm so torn between parenting alone, or having a family unit.

So confused right now

UnexpectedBaggage Sat 30-Jul-16 08:01:40

I could never forgive that. How many other lies has he told you? You will never be able to trust him again.

MajesticWhine Sat 30-Jul-16 08:03:57

Why did he lie? Was he / is he still in s relationship with his wife? Is he divorced now? I have mo idea if you could ever forgive this. But give yourself time above all.
Besides that, you had separated for a different reason yes? So that hasn't suddenly all been resolved I am guessing. Do you really want this man in your life spinning his lies. He is not likely to change and suddenly become reliable now is he.

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:05:33

He is not divorced from his other wife. He has not seen her since they split.
He has lied quite a lot about many things.

It's horrible loving somebody who lets you down. He's promised change??... I just don't know

PotteringAlong Sat 30-Jul-16 08:07:23

I'd report him. Apart from anything else, if you're not legally married you are screwed if he's in the army. (And out of it to be fair) No housing, no entitlement to pension, what if, God forbid, he was killed in action? It all goes to his 'real' wife.

Report him and sort out your position. Not least because you know now so if you're claiming benefits as a married couple and you know you're not married you are complicit in the fraud.

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:09:41

I'd not thought of that!!! It would all go to her wouldn't it?! Christ!!!

What about my daughter having dad in her life? Won't she miss having 'family time' ?

I'm heartbroken

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:10:08

I'm not claiming any benefits

crumpet Sat 30-Jul-16 08:10:11

(On a practical level, what does this mean for his assets - will his first wife be entitled to a share?)

You have had so little time to process what you have just discovered - it must have been a huge shock. Don't feel you have to rush to make any decisions - take as much time as you need.

tribpot Sat 30-Jul-16 08:11:35

But the bigamy (WTF!) is only part of a pattern of lies. It shows how very, very far he is willing to go to lie to get what he wants, however.

It needs to be reported because your marriage needs to be annulled as it was not valid. You need this to happen so that your own civil status is clear, whether you ever want to marry him again or be free to marry someone else.

It sounds as if you have put way more effort into the marriage and into pleasing him than he has done in return, and it's time for you to think harder about what is best for you. He is a habitual liar, this was not a one-off. How could you build any real foundations of a relationship on that?

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:12:55

Yes, it's a huge shock & means his wife would get his assets (I wasn't interested in assets)

All I've ever wanted was a happy little family of my own, and I had that, but I didn't know I wasn't 'the wife'

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:13:21

Yes, it's a huge shock & means his wife would get his assets (I wasn't interested in assets)

All I've ever wanted was a happy little family of my own, and I had that, but I didn't know I wasn't 'the wife'

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:15:37

That's true- I wouldn't ever be able to trust in anything he ever said.

A couple of weeks ago he lied to the army that his mum had died, to get 2 weeks bereavement leave/holiday, but it turned out she was alive and well.

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:16:10

How do I go about reporting it and getting my civil status back?

Hissy Sat 30-Jul-16 08:16:33

Could the army family welfare officer be of any help? They'll have a duty of confidentiality?

If not, the CAB will. Get some advice, see what the fallout could be and how to protect yourself and DC.

This is terrible, I truly feel for you xx

insancerre Sat 30-Jul-16 08:16:56

You do need to report him as this affects his pension and his life insurance should he die

GeorgeTheThird Sat 30-Jul-16 08:19:11

Your civil status never changed I'm afraid. You're not married.

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:24:28

Army welfare. That's a good place to start. I'll ring them first thing Monday.

Oh yes- my civil status never changed did it?
Was such a beautiful wedding :-(

tribpot Sat 30-Jul-16 08:24:30

George - I was taking this from the gov.uk website:

You can annul a marriage if it was not legally valid in the first place, eg: one of you was already married or in a civil partnership

If a marriage was not legally valid, the law says that it never existed.

However, you may need legal paperwork to prove this - eg if you want to get married again.

Hissy Sat 30-Jul-16 08:25:26

The assets he has may not be of any interest to you, but they should be for your DC, and those of the other wife.

The mum story is horrendous. Who would do that??

crumpet Sat 30-Jul-16 08:26:58

Totally appreciate you might not be interested in his assets, but do bear in mind that they may ultimately go to someone he has not seen for 11 years, rather than your dd.

DoinItFine Sat 30-Jul-16 08:29:19

What about my daughter having dad in her life?

That's up to him.

It's got nothing to.do with the fact that your relationship with a bigamist liar has come to an end.

Footle Sat 30-Jul-16 08:29:35

Has he any other children ? Actually you can't believe anything he says so there's not much point asking.

GeorgeTheThird Sat 30-Jul-16 08:33:27

That's outrageous. £550 to start an annulment petition to get paperwork to show that something never legally happened. Which it didn't, the marriage never legally existed. Bloody hell what a rip off.

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:36:03

I think provisions for Dd regarding his assets are important. Could set her up in whatever she does in her future.

I've got all the army numbers I need to ring on Monday to report him. You're all right- I need to.

Tiddlypoo8 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:37:02

He has no previous children

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