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I need some perspective...help(7 Posts)
I need some objective opinion please
I have a 6 year old. My ex had an affair and we split when she was 2. We live in Hampshire. After the divorce he moved in with this woman - 60 miles away in central London.
I have never stopped him seeing her, however it is difficult as he moved away. He picks up the cost and the pick-up drop off as it's significant time/money (that took some arguing!).
Gradually he has been seeing her less and less, and goes whole months without seeing her. I've started keeping a record. In 2015 he say her for 51 overnight stays and went for the whole of May and the whole of October without seeing her (he went abroad with his girlfriend). This year again he has only seen her 22 overnight stays and we are halfway through the year.
It's always dressed up as 'work', but funny his work always takes him to australia and his girlfriend is australian..... (not to mention holiday pics on Facebook). He thinks I'm stupid.
To be honest I don't care about him seeing her less and less. He is a bad influence, low morality, and always lets her down (I spend a lot of time protecting her and not telling her he is collecting her at a certain time as he is always late). He keeps himself away from her, it's nothing to do with me putting any blocks in the way.
Anyway to get to the point... what he wants now is to have her on her birthdays and every christmas. He has said that it is unfair on her to travel on these occasions (which I agree) and because I have her all year it's only fair that he has her on these occasions.
So he can drop in and out of her life for the rest of the year, ignore any agreements we have tried to make and still have her for all the good bits. I consequently don't get a look-in because he will either be in London or Cardiff where his family live.
We have tried mediation, and drawing informal access arrangements - all of which he disregards. We agreed last July that a 'weekend' would be Friday to Sunday. He has only picked her up on a Friday once. And Saturday morning it's usually 11am by the time he gets here.
It's his way or the highway. If I object, I get showered with guilt about my daughter not seeing her dad, me damaging her, and me being selfish.
Some outside perspective please
51 overnight stays is once a week. That's absolutely not ignoring her...
Alternate Christmas and birthdays would be fair
I didn't say he was ignoring her, he's ignoring the agreement. 51 overnight stays is muchless than he has agreed to.
Regardless of if he has a new girlfriend or not, once a week is barely anything if he loves his daughter. I know it's difficult if you live so far apart but has he not suggested more contact before now? Could he not have asked to see her more over the past 4 years? Why now?
Does he want her every birthing and Christmas WITHOUT the once a week visit, or including it? If it's including it, pp is right to suggest alternate, so birthday one year and Christmas the next. If it's those holidays WITHOUT the weekly visit, tell him to do one.
He doesn't have her once a week per se, it's 51 days added up over the year - very sporadic, a week here and there in school hols and twice last year he went for a whole month without seeing her, and he doesn't even call her in that time either. (I have no idea where he is as he goes abroad so I can't call on her behalf).
It's including...her birthday always falls in Feb half term. For two years running he had her on her birthday but I went up to London to take her out for a couple of hours. That was a nice compromise. However he now wants to stop that, and this year he took her up to Cardiff on her birthday and told me 2 days before that that was what was happening (having already agreed I would visit her in London). I spent the entire day in tears it was horrible.
I'm sorry this is so difficult for you Is it not worth going through some sort of system to ensure he keeps to the times agreed, as she's at an age where it's just not fair to mess her around.
Alternate birthday/Christmases sounds fair and if he screws around with the plans, you get the last say as you are the primary carer. It sounds like maybe you need to put your foot down a little more, as it's you and her that're being messed around, not him.
But then again, you can only do what you're comfortable with. Have you tried asking her what she wants to do?
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