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Boyfriend not the dad-can it still work?

(40 Posts)
user1467619390 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:02:43

Long time reader, first time poster. Sorry if it's a bit long. So it's a complicated one. We found out after my baby was born that she isn't my boyfriends. She's from a one night stand I had during a short breakup in our relationship. Unfortunately I believed all through the pregnancy that it was BFs so didn't say anything until I realized when she was born. I had used contraception with this guy and thought there was no way it could be his, but baby looks like him and nothing like BF. We've had massive arguments as you can imagine, and it's all my fault for not being honest in the first place. But we keep coming back to the fact that we love each other and we are both just so sad and disappointed that we don't have the family we thought we would have. We love the LO of course but when I look at her she reminds me of the other guy, and he can't look at her as his own, even though he spent 9 months waiting for her. I'm surprised he's still with me tbh. It's driving us both mad inside and we haven't been able to talk about it properly yet. No one else really knows. I want to know if there are fathers out there who have taken on someone else's baby as their own from birth, and how everyone coped with it, or not?

Dozer Tue 12-Jul-16 15:04:18

confused Have you told the father?

apatheticfallacy Tue 12-Jul-16 15:05:30

All newborn babies look like grumpy old men to me, are you 100% sure? Can you arrange a DNA test just so you will know for certain?

Pinkheart5915 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:09:39

Have you done a DNA test to prove your boyfriend isn't the dad? That is the only way to know your boyfriend isn't 100% the dad

Have you been able to contact the one night stand at all?

I have no experience of this but it must be difficult for your boyfriend to accept the baby as "his" when it isn't. To watch somebody you love carry somebody else baby for 9 months can't be easy but I guess if it works or not completely depends on the guy.

user1467619390 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:10:24

Not yet. My BF doesn't want to do a test because 1. He thinks the other guy should and 2. He doesn't want to find out the truth. But I am pretty convinced she's from the other guy. I did tell other guy and he thinks she couldn't be his. I know the first thing we need to do is a test, and I'm working on that. Other guy lives in a different country. But IF she's not BFs, we need to consider if it's possible for us to move on and stay together

Pinkheart5915 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:16:13

You would only need a sample from baby and sample from your boyfriend to do a DNA test.

It is silly for your boyfriend not to bond properly with baby when there is a chance she could be his. confused

You need a DNA test as soon as possible

FellOutOfBed2wice Tue 12-Jul-16 15:19:41

My DD couldn't be anyone but my husbands, but she doesn't look anything like him and never has. In fact she doesn't look like me either, she looks like a weird combination of my sister and my great grandmother! Do a DNA test, it's the only way to know for sure.

WannaBe Tue 12-Jul-16 15:25:09

Ask yourself this: if your BF had had a one night stand while you were on a break and got another woman pregnant, could you accept it and bring it up as your own?

Am I right in guessing that you hadn't told him you'd had a ons and just led him to believe that you had got pregnant at the point you got back together? If so I don't blame him for feeling that you've lied to him. You do need to do a DNA test, but I think either way there's little chance your relationship could survive this, esp as you were on a break anyway so things clearly weren't exactly great to start with...

user1467619390 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:55:37

Unfortunately you're right. I've screwed up completely. I don't know what to do.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 12-Jul-16 16:08:15

Do the test. Then work out what to do next.

Trooperslane Thu 14-Jul-16 10:08:34

If you did use contraception then it's unlikely the DC is the other guy's.

You will only torture yourself without knowing the truth - you both need to MTFU and do the test. It's the only way you will ever know.

Why doesn't your DP want to know the truth? Is he happier being miserable and fighting over it?

user1467619390 Thu 14-Jul-16 12:47:11

he's avoiding knowing the truth because it hurts him so much. He waited 9 mths for his daughter and now looks like she's not even his. we will do a test, she and I need to know, and I'm working on getting this done, either with BF or the other guy asap. But I can't force BF to do it and right now it's all still so raw.

If she is his after dna then we have nothing to worry about. If she is not his and we want to stay together what do we need to do? Right now there is no father listed on BC but we have always talked about giving her his name + mine.

user1467619390 Thu 14-Jul-16 12:48:28

If we're to work through this and stay together does he need to apply for guardianship or adoption?

FetchezLaVache Thu 14-Jul-16 13:00:02

Weird coincidences happen. My best friend had a child using a donated egg and he popped out looking like her dad! But you can't decide what to do next if you don't know for sure. How old is DD?

user1467619390 Thu 14-Jul-16 13:16:15

2 months old

Dozer Thu 14-Jul-16 17:33:46

You really fucked up by not telling him before, many men would find that impossible to forgive.

For the purposes of registering the name, didn't you already do this?

As Pps say, being "raw" is no reason not to crack on with the test. Nothing much can be resolved without it. Presumably the OM will comply if your DP won't.

corythatwas Thu 14-Jul-16 19:23:32

Your dh waited 9 months for a little daughter- there is nothing to say he cannot bring this girl up as his daughter if he still wants to and you salvage the relationship. Many men manage to bring up stepchildren as their own without a problem, many adoptive fathers manage it.

However, regardless of whether she is his daughter or not, there is one fact that won't go away and that is the fact that she could have been somebody else's and that you were not honest with him. That won't go away if the DNA test shows she is his. The one hurtful truth that matters is the one you have already told him. So the question here is, can he still salvage his relationship with you, knowing this?

If he can, then there is no reason why he can't love the baby as his own. However, the child will eventually have a right to know.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 14-Jul-16 19:35:59

To be fair, if the little girl turns out to be his, I don't think you have "nothing to worry about". He's obviously very hurt by all this and the fact that she COULD have been someone else's, doesn't go away even if the DMA test comes back with the result that he is her father.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 14-Jul-16 19:36:55

Ooh sorry Cory I didn't see your post, I've basically quilted you.grin

LilacInn Thu 14-Jul-16 19:39:29

You have to get a test ASAP for her sake.

What is it that makes you think it's not his child? Facial features, hair/eye color? Or was your ONS a man of a different race or something where the paternity would be more glaringly obvious? If it's not the latter then it's pretty nuts to make all these assumptions about paternity without medical proof.

Myfirstbornisacollie Thu 14-Jul-16 19:50:41

You really can't decide the paternity of an 8 week old on appearance! Talk to your partner, you really need to know before you start planning the future of your relationship and family.
Good luck

WellErrr Thu 14-Jul-16 19:58:40

You need a test.

Comiconce Thu 14-Jul-16 20:44:58

A two months old looks like a baby fgs. My first dc looked nothing like either me or my dh and still doesn't. Genes are funny that way. She is very much ours but has inherited traits from both families from way back.

So unless your one night stand was a distinctive different colouring e.g. African Caribbean (just as an example) and you and your bf are both very definitely very Caucasian for generations and our dd looks anything but Caucasian, THEN you may be right.

VinoTime Thu 14-Jul-16 20:53:19

My DD looked like a Gremlin for the first 3-4 months, OP. Seriously. That didn't make Gizmo her dad.

Get the test done ASAP.

user1467619390 Fri 15-Jul-16 09:02:12

Thanks for all your responses. I know I fucked up, and I'm extremely lucky that he hasn't walked away. He seems to want to salvage the relationship and things are actually good between us at the moment, but obviously this is hanging over our heads and we need to do the test.

Re: facial features Etc., my OH is Southern European looking, black hair and eyebrows, light brown eyes, olive skin. I'm fairer, green eyes, light brown hair but also olivey skin. OM is fair skin, blue eyes and brown hair. DD has brown hair, blue/grey eyes atm and her skin is fair in some lights and olive in others. It's still changing. She resembles me as a baby and I think OM's but there's nothing of DP there (yet hopefully).

Can eyes go from blue to brown really? Does baby skin darken as they get older?

I know it's speculation and I know we need to do a test, but it's driving me mad in the meantime.

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