My DD (3.5) just told me she doesn't like me

[Falcon1]

Was just reading my DD a bedtime story when she announced that 'I want Daddy, not you.' I asked her why and she said 'because I don't like you.' I was shocked and hurt but calmly asked her why and she went on to say 'I like you a bit but not sometimes'. When I asked her if she loves me, she said 'I like you a little bit.'

It really came out of the blue. We had a nice day today, no arguments (save for when I wouldn't let her have free rein with the pvc glue).

Am I justified to feel really upset by this? Or is it just a developmental thing? She's always been far more of a Daddy's girl and my husband and DD do have a very special bond, formed in large part when I was so ill during my second pregnancy (sick for 9 months). My second DD is 18 months now and I really felt like i had got back my bond with DD1. Although she often asks for DH rather than me, this is the first time she's said she doesn't like me.

I'm so hurt and feeling like a really crap mum.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Honestly? Don't sweat it. Of course she loves you. Of course she likes you. She's three

[peppatax]

This will not be the first or last time it has said. The other day I got from DD(5) that her school friend's mum 'is the best mum in the world'

[Buggers]

Mines the same age and says the same to me and her dad. It's testing to see your reaction and a little bit of reassurance that you'll always like them even when they say they don't. Don't feel upset by it, it's just a phrase that will soon stop.

[milkjetmum]

Agreed, all part of the joys of parenting! This evening after taking dd1 (5) swimming I told her she'd done really well and I was very proud of her. Answer from the back seat? A jovial 'shut up mummy'

[Falcon1]

I bloody love mumsnet - almost immediate reassurance, thank you. I had a feeling I was just being pathetic. It's the first time it's happened though. Guess I need to toughen up.

I told her that I liked her and loved her very much and always would. So hopefully I've passed her 'test'.

[jellycat1]

It's a power thing. Reaction seeking as pp said. She loves you

[FrancisdeSales]

Definitely don't take it to heart. Be happy and loving, don't behave differently or act hurt as you are then showing a three year old she has way more power over an adult's emotions than is appropriate.

Just smile and say "I love you just as much as ever" and behave totally unaffected. Kids say all sorts of things that you should not take on board too seriously. My 3 have all said they didn't like me or even hated me but it just blows over. They are now 15, 13 and 10 and they all spontaneously come to me for kisses and cuddles and tell me they love me.

Be their solid rock of maturity and calm not someone who takes too seriously the age appropriate banter of a 3 yr old.

[Falcon1]

That's really good advice Francesdesade, thank you. Makes a lot of sense. Good to know it's normal.

[Falcon1]

Sorry, got your name wrong!

[EvangelineP]

She's trying out the power of words and seeing what reaction it gets. She's not old enough to mean it. But I think it's a good time to introduce the concept that words can hurt people and talking about feeling is good and encouraged but saying something to upset someone is not on. And never ask why! Most adults don't know why they do what they do.

[phoolani]

Just that she didn't like you? Congratulations on getting to 3.5 without an 'I hate you, you're a big poo.' They are capricious and unfathomable at that age. Mine still are.

[NeedACleverNN]

Honestly...it happens


When I say to Dd that daddy is coming home from work her immediate response is "I don't like daddy"

Yet as soon as dh is through the door it's "daaaaaaaddy!!"

[alwaystimeforgin]

Totally normal. My DD went through a phase of saying she didn't like Daddy and wanted him to go away now she is a total Daddy's girl and they love spending time together. Meh, 3 year olds are fickle!

[LyndaNotLinda]

Was in a bit of a rush earlier but a few more things to add: I used to do a shocked face and say 'well, that's not very kind!' but then tell him that I loved him very much indeed and have a 'to the moon and back' conversation. (actually if you don't have that book - get it and then you can indulge in competitive loving which little children also love).

But it isn't a kind thing to say. And I think it's never too early to teach children that words can be powerful and hurtful and to be judicious about how they use them.

[Falcon1]

Thanks Lynda, might have to buy that book. In fact, will order it now!

[LyndaNotLinda]

it's a bit twee but she'll like it

[lcoc2015]

My 2.5 year old tells me that at least once or twice a week!

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

She's 3.5. It will get worse, trust me.

[Teapot13]

When my DD says this, I say sadly, "Well, sometimes I don't like myself." It happens quite a bit.

Agree that it's fine to teach her this isn't a kind thing to say. I also manipulatively remind her of times when she really needs me -- she usually comes around.

[lenibose]

Meh. I wouldn't sweat it. Mine has said that once or twice. Along with 'I have 27 Mummies and you are my favourite.' Huh?! I just say, 'what a pity you don't. I always love you.' I do also remind him that we can love Mummy AND Daddy because our hearts are big enough. And seriously don't take it to heart.

[waitingforsomething]

Don't be upset! My 3.5 year old is always chucking this stuff about. Dh was working abroad last week and I got 'mum, it's okay when you read my story but I prefer dad because he's funnier and well, I just love him best. You should go away next time...!' Other times I'm her favourite and sometimes she loves us both the same! We ignore and tell her we both love her!!

[heyday]

Yes, their words can be quite fickle and shouldn't be taken too much to heart but boy, those cutting words can really hurt especially the first time they are encountered. Being a parent really is an emotional roller coaster at times.

[LadyCassandra]

Its really hard the first time they come out with stuff like that, but it gets easier. The first time they say "I hate you" cuts like a knife, but I have learnt to laugh now when DS says "I wish you weren't my mummy anymore" and resist the urge to say "so do I!"

[Lovelydiscusfish]

As others have said, I think it's perfectly fine to let her know that is a hurtful thing to say, otherwise how will she learn this?
But please don't worry, she doesn't mean it. My dd has told me she prefers her childminder to me before (actually, that may be true...)

[Deaneancy]

My youngest cried her eyes out for her nanny yesterday and next child
Up said 'I understand, you wish nannys name was your mummy and I wish granny was my mummy, it's so sad I know how you feel'. He says dozens of other incredibly deep and cutting things to me on the reg. I'm lucky when I get 'I like you ten but everyone else one million'. It's shit, but it means very little. It's part of being a mum, everyone else is fun, let's them do what they want, spoils them etc so of course I'm the total devil in contrast. Agree with pp that you shouldn't take it to
Heart but also should make it clear that it isn't a very kind thing to say. i do this when they say cruel things but when it's things like 'I do love you but I love daddy best' I always say that's ok, I'll always love you the most it is possible to ever love a person type of thing. They shouldn't be guilted into loving me