Is my health visitor just doing her job?(5 Posts)
I have a 19 month old son and a 2 month old daughter who is currently in nicu. I do not have a partner and my children have different dads and I am 20, which I understand all together may sound bad.
My sons dad and I broke up whilst I was pregnant and he has never seen or met him. I got in to another relationship when my son was 5 months old. My daughter was unplanned and I had the coil fitted as I did not want another. In October I split up with him and found out I was 17 weeks pregnant shortly after. We decided not to get back together but he is a good dad, he has came to see her whilst in hospital and has given me money towards clothes, nappies and baby bits for her, he has a very good career.
My health visitor only saw my son two or three times since he was born so she did not know I had got into a new relationship. She asked to see my daughter in the nicu and I agreed. Whilst there she told me how I needed to ensure contraception next time and it felt like she wanted to ask me who the father was or if I had a partner but didn't want to as there was people around. She also asked me how I intended to cope as my maternity leave finishes soon and how will I organise childcare etc. I told her kindly that my son is already in nursery and my daughter will join him when I'm ready to go back to work and she was just telling me how I might not be able to go back to work because it seems like a lot of stress etc. I also recently moved back in with my parents as I was privately renting and they owners wanted to sell their house. I have decided to live with my parents for the next year or two and hopefully I can save some money to put with the existing funds I already have from an inheritance to get a mortgage opposed to renting. I told her this and explained my parents have a 7 bedroom house (and it's only them living there) and that they have organised it so me and the kids have our own room each as well as a big room that we have use of as our own living room. My parents are fine with this and have encouraged it as they would rather I brought a house anyway. She then told me how I should be independent so living at home, even in the short term wasn't a great idea.
She phoned today and asked to see me in my home tomorrow, which I have no issue with. She said something like "we can have a chat, and I know you said your parents made you and the kids your own little area in the house so I would like to see that and make sure everything is okay" I've agreed and I am meeting her I just feel she is being a little intrusive and like she is trying to put me down and be nosy about the different fathers and my age.
I'm aware my situation isn't ideal but all I can do now is deal with it and make their life's the best I can without people putting me down and telling me I can't or shouldn't do certain things.
I think that she is just doing her job, yes. It's great that you have your parents support but its entirely normal for the HV to want to see living arrangements.
Unless there's something else you're not telling us I think your HV sounds unnecessarily intrusive.
What's wrong with living with your parents if there's enough space and that's what works for you?
I know health visitors often get put down on MN but in this case I am guessing that you have an ill/premature baby and another small child and she just wants to make sure everything is fine for baby to come home to. I didn't see from what you have said that she is doing any digging about the fathers of your children. If she saw you in hospital it isn't really the best place to sit down and have a good chat. She will also want to see what support you have and make sure you are able to cope with the the two little ones when the baby is home.
A visit is fine - if you're okay with that. Telling you that you should live independently, and that working will be too stressful - definitely not fine. However, some people are just weird, so don't take it personally if she forgets her professionalism.
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