Please help -about to completely lose it

[Luckystar1]

DS is 19 months. Never a great sleeper, took months (and I mean months) to get him into a good sleep/nap routine. It was going well, but it's gone completely to pot recently.

It had been nap from 1-3pm then sleep from 7-6.45ish. I thought we were doing so well, especially as DC2 is due next month.

Now, he's waking any time between 5/5.30. Won't nap, screaming, and generally being extremely difficult.

I can't cope. I have no energy, I'll shortly have a newborn to deal with and I can't cope with the lack of sleep now, never mind then.

I am not a good mother with this lack of sleep and I am not a good mother when he acts like this.

He has been upstairs since 1pm and hadn't slept. I am REFUSING to 'help' him. I'm not holding him or rocking him or patting him. I've been doing that since he was 3 weeks old. I can't do it anymore.

I am so close to the edge. I am worried for my own reactions when I'm like this (of course I would never harm him, I just can't control my temper rationally and can shout).

I need help. I need sleep. I need advice please!!

[whifflesqueak]

take a moment to calm down. have a brew and a few deep breaths.

I have to sit beside my ds as he drifts off to sleep still, and he's two.

I also have a 12 week old, and as a bit of positivity, I found the newborn/toddler combo a doddle compared to pregnant/toddler.

[situatedknowledge]

This won't help for today, but it does sound like he may be ready to drop, or at least significantly shorten his nap.

So, tomorrow maybe not try to put him down till 2, and get him up again at 3 regardless. Leave it like that a couple of days, then if he still isn't sleeping late enough in the morning, drop it altogether.

Can you get your DH to get up with him in the morning? You need rest too!

[KatyN]

Would he sleep in the car? I would always bunds mine into the car and drive until he fell asleep. The I would pull over and nap with the doors locked.
You must be exhausted, is there anyone who can help out and get you some rest? This might not help but I found A newborn much easier than being pregnant with my second (4.5 yrs and 6 months).

[situatedknowledge]

Also (thinking back a few years!) maybe try "quiet time" on the sofa with CBeebies instead of a nap. It worked eventually for us (18 month gap).

[Luckystar1]

I have been sitting downstairs with the sound off on the monitor now for 2 hours (he's ok I can see him on the video). I can't calm down I'm so fucking angry.

I'm so scared as to how I'm going to deal with another one along with this complete fucking nightmare of a child.

He is a total pain in the arse and always has been. This is just constant and draining and I can't do it any more. I can't believe I have to go through this all over again soon. I don't want miss out on 4 years of my life because my children won't sleep.

I know that sounds so selfish but I have literally no one to turn to apart from DH and he works long hours.

I am the only one who has ever had to deal with this constant sleep issue and I just can't do it anymore.

[LapinR0se]

Horrific, I have a 20 month old and I know exactly how you feel.
If he's been awake since 5.30 in the morning then he's overtired for the nap at 1.
Put him down at 12 straight after an early lunch, and let him go to 1.30.
Then bed at 7.

[LapinR0se]

PS get a sleep consultant in when the new one is born. They can help with both of them. I have a brilliant one if you want her details just PM me.
Sleep rules all. Without sleep it all goes to pot

[Luckystar1]

Thank you for your posts. No he needs his sleep. He's completely knackered. He's one of those children who will literally battle sleep to the last moment and who never appears tired but is absolutely exhausted.

He falls asleep the minute we're in the car, he Just cannot stay awake. He sleeps better at night when he has had decent naps.

He has been like this since he was 3 weeks old. We never had the glorious newborn sleep stage. My life revolves around his sleep.

I don't want it to be like this.

[Luckystar1]

Oh sorry I should also say, he won't properly nap in the car though, he'll do 30-45 minutes max. He needs his 2 hours but they will only happen in the cot

[bettybyebye]

Agree with pp that he's probably overtired by 1pm if been up since 5ish. Try to get him down by 12 tomorrow.

Sympathies on the early starts - my DS has always been an early riser and unfortunately not great now at 3.5 - I have regularly seen 5.30am for years and totally fed up of it now. I also do not parent well on rubbish sleep. If it's any consolation to you though my 11 mo DD (dc2) has been a much better sleeper than him since birth.

[bettybyebye]

Are you able to let him nod off in the car and then lift him out into his cot when he's asleep? I did that for months with my son when he was about 2 as he started to refuse to go down but really needed the nap. He'd have about 2hours total in the cot

[Luckystar1]

Yes he probably is too tired by then, I'll try earlier (but I'm a stubborn cow and want to stick to my routine, albeit that I obviously need in all our interests to be more flexible)

He wakes up if I move him while asleep (that's what happened today, he fell asleep then up as soon as I lifted him from the car).

I think my biggest concern is that we need to fix this sleep once and for all. Even if we get a decent sleeper with DC2, it doesn't solve DS' issues and I just can't parent 2 children while they exist.

I can't listen to a whingey toddler and a screaming baby with this ongoing.

And it's always something with him. We get 2 weeks or a month of decent-ish sleep then, boom, out of nowhere, completely shite again, which takes another 2 weeks to rectify and absolutely no life/ability to do anything but try and resolve sleep during that time.

I just cannot continue to live my life like this.

I've just tried so hard to be kind and gentle and baby led and it just constantly blows up in my face.

[Ratbagcatbag]

My dd was (still can be exactly like this). She never ever napped at home for me unless I took her out in the car. No matter what I'd do it made no difference. I got a sleep trainer book with a month of support and cracked a few of the big issues (self settling) however she took until 22 months to even go through. She's now 3.3 and in the past three months has started reliably sleeping thorough from 7:30pm to 5:45am ish. She's been self settling for a year or so though now. Hugs as its so rough when you're living it.

[Luckystar1]

Thank you. He can self settle fine, he's just deciding not to.

I will completely accept that part of the problem is my very stubborn attitude. I can only pander to him (and that's what it feels like despite all of my attachment parenting) for so long.

A part of me fears I made a huge rod for my own back with all this, but I never could see any other way, especially given it started so young.

At times like this I feel like I really (and I feel so awful for saying this as he is a lovely boy who was so longed for) hate him. And I can't help but compare how difficult he is in general (he's a very 'lovely' character) with others who got the brilliant sleeping, easy children.

But I appreciate that is only my frustrations speaking as I love how independent he is when he's not ruining my life by not sleeping.

[Luckystar1]

That should say'lively' character.

[LapinR0se]

What do you think you are doing that's baby led in particular? It sounds to me like you have a strict routine and your child self-settles. Which is really hard and could not be considered as making a rod...?

[CPtart]

DS1 never napped during the day unless I took him out in the car whereas he was asleep within minutes. I parked up with a newspaper and he'd sleep for an hour or so. By 12 months he stopped even napping in the car although slept well at night. He was also a lively character and I went back to work pt at 13 weeks because I was drained dealing him!! (Interestingly, he napped at nursery well enough
Maybe time to take a hard line. I encouraged reliance on a comforter at night. No patting, shushing or rocking. No in and out of rooms. Never ever any co-sleeping. I then produced said comforter at nap time as a sleep association. If he didn't nap, he was left to play in his cot whilst I had a bru.
I really sympathise. If it's any consolation DS2 was a reliable 2 hour napper in his cot until his was three!

[Luckystar1]

I mean all the while when establishing the routine, I was there with him, shush patting, staying until he slept, sleeping with him, rocking/cuddling him, feeding him to sleep all when required. I worked so hard to get him to self settle with my constant attention and 'help' (ie. I never left him 'to it').

Sorry baby led is probably wrong in this context (although what I do everywhere else), baby led sleeping would've led to a complete nervous breakdown by either DS or I, it was probably just a matter of waiting who went first (me I imagine!)

[00alwaysbusymum]

My eldest was a nightmare with napping - eventually when he was about 12 mths I went for a walk after lunch every day about 1 ish until he fell asleep - then would bring pushchair home - it took a while (weeks) but eventually he got into routine and would nap for about 2 hrs in pushchair everyday until he was 4 yrs old ! With my 2nd & 3rd have done the same as they are closer in age so great to have them both asleep in pushchair when shopping etc but especially when 3rd was a new born although sometimes used the baby carrier as it was easier

[Luckystar1]

Oh well done! A nap until 4, that sounds like the dream!!!

My only qualm with going for a walk is that I just don't have the energy at the moment. I mentally need the free time from DS to keep going, especially as he is waking so early, the day is just too long for me.

God I'm such a whinge, you've all been so kind with your suggestions that I'm just trashing like a baby!!

[KP86]

I think it's due to summer.

My similarly aged DS, even with this gro blind, is waking by 6 each day (some days closer to 5!), it's only started happening in the past month or so, since it's getting lighter and lighter.

He also sleeps for 1.5-2 hours after lunch and is definitely not ready to drop the sleep. He just isn't getting enough sleep overall at the moment, which ends in me also being a crap, impatient and shouty parent. Yesterday he ended up having an extra morning sleep which he asked for, and was in bed (again, at his request) before 6pm. Very, very unusual.

I'm hoping against all odds that it's a summer phase and he will improve as the days start to shorten again.

So that's not much useful advice except fingers crossed it's a phase and won't last much longer.

[Luckystar1]

Yes I think it's summer and teething. I am (somewhat perversely!) glad to hear I'm not the only one who turns into shouty parent when this happens!

It's strangely heartening to hear that someone is in the same boat. I've calmed down and decided that the best course of action is just to ignore him (god I'm not the parent I thought I'd be), but it's working out surprisingly well.

[LapinR0se]

Yes by all means ignore him if he's just shouting about not wanting to go to sleep. He's in his cot and he's safe.
If no nap has happened by 2pm then forget the nap that day and aim for a 6pm bedtime

[Luckystar1]

Oh no I took him downstairs and ignored him there. He played happily (he was playing happily in his cot, it was only me getting annoyed he wasn't asleep!).

After an afternoon of tears (mine...!) I've calmed down and we're researching mothers helpers for the arrival of DC2...

I might look into the sleep consultant too!

Thank you all, I'm back to normality for now (until tomorrow anyway)

[00alwaysbusymum]

Poor you - it's going to be hard when newborn comes - some days I felt I did nothing but feed two children, change a million nappies and try and get then to sleep / nap, just try and relax and don't expect too much. What worked for me was getting out the house as the children got distracted, and tired out. Find some groups near you where you can get some sanity, see some other mums and a coffee. With my 3 rd I had SPD and was on crutches, but still did a walk ( short ) for naps as the space it gave me even if it was just five minutes for a cup of tea and biscuit was a saviour.
Also silly things like my husband leaving me a packed lunch and planning (or making ) dinner the night before was so helpful, just one less thing to stress about