hand hold needed- traumatic time getting dd to ex

[ooharmehearties]

God I feel awful, and tearful, and drained.
Background- extremely controlling ex, narc and ea. left when dd was 10 months old. He took me to court for contact instead of working it out together as he needs to win all the time. She's 4 now.
Worked up from supervised contact to now fortnightly weekends sleepovers.
Dd just doesn't want to go, she asks me every time mummy, can you ask daddy to not have me so long, mummy, I want to stay with you I don't like going to daddy's I don't have a nice time, etc. But not in a tantrumy way, in a really upset, you're letting me down sort of a way. This one was the worst, so much heartbreaking sobbing and took over an hour to get her in the car ( I don't do handover as am no contact). Then her sobbing betrayed face as they drove away. I feel sick. It is so counterintuitive to have to say jollily ' oh but you'll have a lovely time, daddy will be sad if he doesn't see you ' etc. Because I know he's working on her, she has to be perfect and isn't allowed to be herself. He has to have total control and sees her as an extension of him. An object. And I can't be on her team in this, I can't say ok don't go. I never talk disparagingly about him and I really feel the abuse is continuing through her. God, I don't know. There is nothing I can do we have to stick to the contact order and her feelings arnt taken into account.
I feel the bad guy today, forcing her to go when she was so upset and desperate, when all I wanted to do was cuddle her and make it alright. She's 4 ffs. She shouldn't have to 'be brave'.
Just wanted to vent really, the system is shit. It's his rights over the child's needs.
Sigh.

[P1nkP0ppy]

Poor little girl, I can't imagine how you must feel.
Hand hold and a hug op sod it being unmumsnetty

[JennyOnAPlate]

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice but you could repost in legal? If the visits are emotionally damaging your child there must be a legal route you can take

[ooharmehearties]

Thanks p1nk.
It's just something that is beyond my power to fix for her.
He keeps telling her she's going to live with him, so she's all over the place. I have residency so that's not going to happen. ( although he's threatening court again).Why can't he just see it's hurting her, this need to win. He has absolutely no empathy. He has to show us who's boss.

I feel strong in myself, I remain consistent and loving and have built a cosy home for us. But I feel I am betraying her at a deep level that I by law cannot change.

[angryangryyoungwoman]

I'm so sorry to read this. It must be heartbreaking. I'm sorry that I have no advice but fear I will be in a similar situation at some point so I hope for someone who has to advise both you and I.

[ooharmehearties]

Thanks, I doubt legally I can do anything. He will accuse me of parental alienation. He appears a rich, successful member of society. I have no proof of ea towards her, only what she says. Family court is humiliating, traumatic and not fair. He would welcome it in order to abuse me more. He is rich and I was left with nothing. I'm not bitter I'm so glad I'm free. But I couldn't afford court. He would employ the best .

[zippey]

The child has a right to a relationship with both parents, unless they are a danger to well being of course.

It's not nice to see them cry, but she probably does that because she doesn't know and hasn't bonded with the other parent yet. This should hopefully come with time. And hopefully she will start enjoying herself while she is with her other parent. The bonding won't happen overnight but you both need to persevere and give it time.

[ooharmehearties]

Oh angry I hope you won't have to. It's utter pants.

zippey he's been having her overnight three days fortnightly since she was 18 months, she's 4 now. I totally agree she has the right to a relationship with him, which I have supported as much as I can. The problem is she says she doesn't want to. She wishes she were older so people will listen to her. She doesn't get a say. I feel I'm being the abuser, disregarding her feelings and fears in order to fulfill the court ordered contact.

[memyselfandaye]

Telling the 4yr old she is going to be taken away from her Mother sounds damaging to me zippey

OP I really think you should get some legal advice, you must see a solicitor.

[ooharmehearties]

I know it seems there'll be some magic legal thing that'll make it all alright, that surely for decency and fairness dd will be listened to. But there are no witnesses, just what dd says to me, and I can't repeat them to ss as I will be accused of influencing her and parental alienation. Women have had their children removed for this. I have to work with the situation. Solicitors arnt on our side, they are cold, objective, and career/ money orientated. There is no fair play. No magic legal wand . This is it, I have to help my dd through it as is. It could be so much worse. 50/50 for instance.

[angryangryyoungwoman]

ooharmehearties, thanks for your sympathy but I am hoping and preparing for the possibility that it won't get to that point.
I'm assuming that you have had legal advice? Is there anything at all you can do?

[Everytimeref]

Have you read Annies story. Across the bridge. It might help you see how unintentionally you might be making the situation harder for your 4 year old.

[ooharmehearties]

angry I don't think at the moment there's anything I can do except be the consistent one.

every no I've not read it, will look it up. I try to hide the situation regarding me and ex. But as I have no contact it's clear to her we're 'not friends'. I had PTSD counselling and it's made me so much more aware of my emotions and how it affects dd. What we have now is so much better than the high conflict, controlling fearful situation before we split. I'm only human, and I don't want to blatantly lie to her.

[ooharmehearties]

Yes I got legal aid when we went to court. I know there's no 'solution'. I need to learn how to handle these situations and also to feel ok about myself afterwards. Essentially, how can I make it as healthy as possible for both of us , disregarding any ea that may be going on at her dad's.
Thanks so much for your replies, I've calmed down now.

[PiranhaBrothers]

OP, you say you have no witnesses but who takes her for the handover? They will have seen the hour it took to get her into the car and the extreme distress she was in.

I can't imagine how painful it must be for you to have to send her when she make it clear she does not want to go.

I would definitely take legal advice; you may be able to get a free initial consultation.

[Rhubardandcustard]

I don't have any answers but just want to say I am in the same situation. My dd was 6 when we split up she is now 12 and has contact with dad 2 nights a fortnight. He is also narcissistic controlling personality. As he can't control me anymore he now tries to do so through dd. He's very over the top on every aspect of her life, shes going through difficult time with puberty hitting and I feel things are going to come to a head soon with her refusing to see him. She is very down and depressed after being with him all weekend, I tried talking to him about going a bit easier on her now she's older, let her just grow up, but of course he says he's not the problem I am! He won't be happy about it and will take us to court, I just hope that at 12 the courts would listen to her now. I would have to represent myself as no money for solicitor.

[ooharmehearties]

Thanks for your replies- I was so knackered I zonked at 9pm!

piranha it is a family member who does handovers. Not sure they are a suitable witness.

. I'd only just been going through dd's baby and family books with her, which i'd made including her dad and his side to encourage her. I spoke positively of him about the story of her birth, I do try.

rhubarb it's shit isn't it. I just try to look on the bright side that at least we have a big gap between contact. Though that may change as if we go to court he'll want weekly, and like you I'd have to self represent. I have been practicing 'gray rock' in communicating with him.
narcissistsupport.com/going-gray-rock/
It works for me, but obviously dd can't do that.
What makes me sad is that in order to remain healthy and make this work, part of me has had to disconnect with dd, and see her as a separate human who has a narc dad and that is her path. It's always been us against the world, ive got your back etc. But in this she'll have to work it out without me . I can't do it for her, and I can't tell her about all the horrific stuff that went on in the relationship . That's not hers. So hard.