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Can i force him to have 50/50 contact?

(5 Posts)
xxatu Thu 26-May-16 11:00:58

So a little back story- My ex partner and I were together for almost 4 years and have a 2 year old together. In October he moved off the island we live on to a new city for a job and came home each weekend. This was only a temporary thing as we were saving to buy a house. We finally saved up enough and 4 days before we were due to sign contracts he turned around and said I don't love you any more that's us done. He already had a job lined up on the island as his biggest complaint was that he didn't get to spend enough time with us, and that he is only staying on a friends sofa over there and isn't really keen on the job.

So when I came to terms with everything and moved back to my parents I told him we need to sort childcare out. I'm due to start full time work next week (something that we had planned because we'd be in our home, he'd be here and childcare would be easier). I suggested to him that he stuck with his original plans, to move back here where all his family are and where he has a job lined up and so we could split care for our daughter 50/50. He said this was fine, and I offered to set up some viewings for him, he agreed. Then when I try and talk to him again about it he's trying to throw it into my face that I'm only doing all this for myself and that I should wait until she's in school to have a career because he won't pay for childcare. He then got annoyed at the fact he'd have to have her for part of the weekend because apparently he still needs a life too because he's only 24 (hmm) (i am 21). I told him this was not about either of us this is about what is best for our daughter. When you chose to have a child you chose responsibility. Your party life gets put on hold.
He has told me for the past month that he is 'sorting it out' yet nothing has been done. He has nowhere to take our daughter when he does see her on the Saturday and Sunday that he does have her, meaning she gets brought back to me overnight whilst he goes out with his friends and sees nothing wrong with it.
How on earth do I get it into him that our daughter doesn't need his money (I have asked for not a penny) she needs his time and for him to be in her life. She absolutely adores her father and I would never dream of stopping him see her, I just want him to want her as much.

I never thought he could ever be like this and at first I was trying to get our family back but he has told me more than enough times how he never wants me (yet it didn't stop him sleeping with me twice since (hmm) ). And getting jealous over any guy commenting on my posts or when i went out and told him it was constant texts. He claims its because in his head he still thinks he 'owns me'. Our whole relationship was built on control and I feel very ashamed now that I can only just see him for what he is. I know this split is for the best.

Now how do I make him be in his daughters life? (sad)
Is mediation the way forward?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 26-May-16 13:48:13

If you can suggest mediation would help him as much as you, hopefully he will agree. Unfortunately you can't force him to play a significant role.

On a separate note won't his parents be sad their relationship with their granddaughter is jeopardised by him dragging his feet about contact?

24 seems plenty old enough to grasp that a child is a lifetime commitment. He mouths off about you being "selfish" when you are looking to work and provide for yourself and your child but isn't too indignant to stop from sexual involvement when it suits him. Please don't let him get the idea you are available for this!
Sleeping with him confuses the situation but you know that.

Fwiw I don't think it is doing your daughter any favours by nobly avoiding asking for a financial contribution to her care. It is money for her not a penalty for choosing to opt out of your life.

Imnotagilmoregirl Thu 26-May-16 14:08:32

Sorry you're going through this. I'm afraid you can't make him show up and do the decent thing by his child. Mediation is worth a try, but to be totally honest I would make your own plans without relying on him. If he decides to start stepping up, great, if not you won't be putting yourself or your child through unnecessary fuss and worry.

If he's decided he's going to be a shit dad, there's not a lot you can do, but being a fabulous consistent mum, who sets the example by working hard and always keeping her promises will make your l/o very lucky indeed.

Good luck!

xxatu Thu 26-May-16 14:31:47

Hi parents have never really bothered anyway, his mum likes to call them 'free spirits'. I was the one who supposedly treated him like trash- i mean obviously giving up my whole life, friends and family. Put up with his family's ridiculous accusations- like demanding a DNA test a few days before i was due. Having to make sure he had meals on the table every time he got him from work, giving him total control of money . Doing all his washing and letting him go on night outs every weekend and not bother coming home. I was a terrible girlfriend ;)
I really am better off without, and id like to say I've got away from his family dramas but they still continue to send me crap because im now trying to force him the be a parent to his childhmm
Haha don't worry, i certainly wont be sleeping with him again! Any respect i did have for him went last night after his rant about how terrible i am grin

I'm hoping the mediation letter kicks him in the butt because after everything I've been telling him he's still stupid enough to say 'we've been split up a month and you're slamming court in my face'. Surely youd at least look up the whole procedure hmm

Looks like I'll be making plans for just me and her then! So hoping he realises what he's missing out on, but with and ego that big and a narcasistic view point i can't see that happening. sad so nervous about doing this all on my own!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 26-May-16 14:50:16

Honestly this board has a lot of great advice on different aspects, have a look around. Don't know where you are based but look up at what's available in your community.

You are so right, your daughter should be his top priority, it's about what works for her.

If he only takes your daughter for a few hours it's better than nothing. Use that time to do something nice for yourself. If she comes back happy and smiling that's all good. As long as he is sober and acts like a responsible parent when in charge of her try not to be critical. Consistency is what she needs. Even very small children can fret it is their fault, (mild naughtiness or bedwetting or whatever) that drove their father away.

'Free spirits' eh well very easy when everyone is pulling their weight. No help forthcoming from his side then! It is tough being the primary carer and she may play you up more than usual wanting Daddy etc.

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